Returning to work after mat leave - 3 or 4 days?

[VMarsh29]

Hi all, first time posting as here as I’m really struggling to decide what to do and am interested in other people’s experiences.
DS is almost 10 months old, he will be just turned 1 when I return to work. I love being a mum and would happily be a SAHM but financially it’s just not possible. My husband works FT shift work. I’m a nurse, worked FT before going on mat leave and the plan was always to return to work 3 days a week - 22.5 hours.
Anyway, my current job have agreed I can return 3 days a week, however I hate my job and always planned to find a new job when I returned from mat leave. Staffing levels are awful, morale is rubbish and I know I’ll be given the caseload of a full time member of staff despite being part time. It’s also a 45 minute commute which isn’t ideal. My plan was always to try and find a different job when the time came to return to work. I have been offered a new job, in a field of nursing I’ve been desperate to get into for years but the jobs rarely come up. It’s my dream job and I can’t believe I’ve been offered it. However, it’s 4 days a week (30 hours). Initially I accepted thinking I’d manage the extra day no problem, however I’m now doubting that I’ll be able to cope with being away from DS for 4 days a week. I think I’m really struggling with the idea of being away from him more than I’d be with him and missing him. He’ll be looked after by his dad and grandparents so I know I’m really lucky in that respect. I’m just so aware he’s only little once and I’ll miss out on loads and that jobs can’t wait. There’s so many pros to the new job such as a wee bit more money, enjoyment, closer to home etc it’s just the one extra day that’s the only con. I haven’t signed any contracts yet or handed in notice so there’s still time to change my mind.
How have other people managed going back 3 or 4 days per week?
TIA

4 days in a job I liked would win over 3 days in a job I didn’t. Any time away from your child at first is hard, a job where the day drags and you aren’t happy will only compound that. Plus more money!

Also toddler years are hard, it’s not the same as mat leave with a baby. 4 days would/ was fine for me- that 1 day + the weekend I was happy with.

First of all, congrats on the new job offer :)

I know it's hard; I felt the same going back with my first. I do 3 days a week and I will say that I feel like I could go up one extra day without it impacting me or my children's relationship. The reality often isn't as bad as the worry beforehand.

I would weigh up the pros and cons. There seem to be a lot of pros with the new job offer -

Smaller commute (you'll get home sooner to be with your little one)
More money
A job role that you will find fulfilling
No longer working in a role/team you dislike

The fact that your little one will also be cared for by its father and grandparents would also sway me in the direction of taking more hours. I would (personally) be more reluctant if they were in a nursery.

The first few days/weeks will be hard going back to work (even more so to a job you dislike). But you will get in to the swing of things and really treasure the days off you have with your little one.

Good luck with whatever you decide :)

Is so 4 days in a job you liked over 3 you hated. You can always negotiate dropping hours once your in the door and settled.

There are 168 hours on a week. You're talking about working 30 of them. I think you're building it up into something it's not.

Change always feels uncomfortable but you will adjust.

I'd rather do 4 days in a job I love than 3 in a job I hate. Is the commute less to the new job?

I know how you feel, the thought of leaving my 9 month old makes me cry but being a SAHM is so financially worrying.

I think do the 4 days if it is your dream job and the commute is shorter. You are saving time on your commute so will get home faster and leave later each day so even though its 4 days and not 3 you are seeing him more than you would've in the morning/evening time :)

As above posters have said, toddler years arent same as the baby year on mat leave so you may find you dont miss it as much as you imagine!

Im definitely in the 4 days with all those added benefits you mention camp!

Snap their hands off for that job and you will find your new normal. I’m assuming you’ll get holiday pay and leave as well as three days off a week to spend with your child? And less time and money travelling. I’m super close with my kids and loved when they were little but I’ve never had more than six weeks maternity and haven’t had a week off work since 2022 - we still spend loads of time together and have loads of fun. I dont regret anything.

I think you’d regret not taking this

Have you enquired whether they'd consider 3 days?

The job was advertised as full time 37.5 hours but stated they’d consider a job share or 30 hours minimum. I applied hoping that someone else would apply for the job share but nobody else did. Due to the nature of the job, I’ll be covering set clinics on set days and they need me in 4 days a week so unfortunately 3 days isn’t an option. I do get to choose a Monday or Tuesday off though.

Pick Tuesday off- if the weekend drags with tantrums you get a small break and then back with your child. Helps break up the time away from them

If your service doesn't work bank holidays take Monday's off, you'll get them back as pro rata leave.

I would definitely go for the better job over 4 days. They will go so much faster than 3 long, miserable days.

If your child isn’t even in childcare but looked after by their dad and other relatives, then definitely the new job. The old one sounds soul crushing. always, always ask yourself, did the other parent’s job considerations come into play at the end of your mat leave? No? Why??

I know that’s the case a lot of the time but my husband is more than happy to change jobs so that he can look after DS when I’m working. However, any other job he’s seen advertised that would work round my hours is a big drop in wages - around £10k and he’s the main earner. So not really worth it. He is still looking though.

From the thread title I was going to say 3 days if you can afford it, but with the information in your OP, I'd do a 4 day job I really wanted to do over a 3 day job I hated, without question.
Even more so when you say your little one will be looked after by family. Then add in a bit more money, and shorter commute it becomes a no brainer.

It is perfectly normal to dread going back, but you will soon be in the swing of it.

My point really was just, don’t be the default parent. It’s great your husband is willing to take an equal or even greater share of the parental load.

My only reservation about 4 days is that it can sometimes morph into 5 days but squashed into 4 days work and 4 days pay. For that reason many of my friends who went back full time have actually felt better treated and had more free evening and weekend time with their kids and for themselves.

I wouldn’t consider the 3 days, old job. It sounds like the absolute worst of all worlds.

Hey OP, midwife here! I see a lot of similarities in your post to when I went back to work.

I was full time non clinical 37.5hrs B6 then interviewed for the same job essentially but at B7 level when I was 34 weeks pregnant and was successful.

It was also a job I had been working towards for ages and, even though I loved (still love!) being a mum to our baby boy, and would've also stayed at home if financially possible, I wanted to go back to give the job a good enough crack. Though we worked through both options to see what would be best as childcare was looking extortionate. The only nursery option for us due to start times and finish times for me was the on site hospital nursery which is amazing.

I went back in September, when my LO was 13 months old. My compromise, which made me feel better about the situation, was that I do compressed hours, 8-6 4 days a week. For me it gives me a day in the week with my boy for us to do play/church groups together, then the weekend when my husband is off (usually though he does work shifts) for us to be together as a family.

I am extremely lucky, in that although they're not local, we do a 'meet in the middle' drop off between me and my Dad on a Monday so my parents can have my son, and then every other week my MIL travels from across the country to stay with us a few nights so she can do a couple days childcare too. I appreciate how lucky I am and how rare that is!

Having said all that, DS went to nursery for 3 full days every week 8-6pm for about the first 8 weeks, and then my MIL offered out of the blue and despite turning her down (kindly) at first, as we felt it may be too much for her, she loves it and our boy loves being with her and all the adventures he goes on with both sets of grandparents.

I struggled initially as I think many parents do, but nursery was so good for DS. He was eating different foods, and more food (I was initially worried as he didn't eat very well at home and was a bit boob obsessed!) he's learnt so many new skills and has settled in well and has lovely key workers.

Whatever you choose it will all work out, it does take a bit of adjustment though.

I felt just like you! I went back from Mat leave when DS was 1 to a job I hated 3 days pw. Lasted about 5 months then left for a job I love 4 days pw.

No regrets at all, I'm much happier and feel like I have a good balance of time with DS and being "me" outside of being mum. If you've wanted this type of work for a long time it would be crazy to miss out on the opportunity it's an adjustment going back to work, I cried a lot in anticipation! But you will all adjust and it quickly becomes the new normal.

And just to reassure you, the bond I have with DS is just as strong, and I actually think I'm a better parent because I get a bit of a mental break from both working and being a parent by doing a bit of both, if that makes sense.

It makes me soak up every little second with him ♥️

Thank you all so much for taking your time to reply! I know I’m probably just having a bit of anxiety regarding going back to work in general, right now the thought of leaving him for a whole day makes me want to cry but I know it’ll become the new normal and we’ll eventually get into the swing of it. I think you’re all right in saying that 4 days in a job I enjoy compared to 3 days in a job I hate is a no brainer. I need to work and I may as well do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time rather than pass it up and regret it once he’s older.
Any tips on getting us both up and ready and out the house then me to work would be much appreciated 😂

great, op! Go for it. I think it’ll be the making of you, it’s so important for your own well-being and independence and also for your child’s. Two working parents is the absolute norm in most of Scandinavia that everyone loves to big up for forward-thinkingness, quality of life and children’s outcomes.

on getting up and out in the morning… I reckon you will have no problems if you already work in frontline healthcare, which is seriously demanding.

bag packed night before, take it it turns with other parent to do that, shifts permitting. Sleep similarly, you should both have the opportunity to go to your jobs with similar levels of rest/sleep deprivation on average (unless other parent is a lorry driver, or brain surgeon and you are eg an administrator)

don’t stress if your baby doesn’t want before you leave the house, whoever is caring for your baby (relatives?) can manage that and frankly even many adults don’t want breakfast within 30 minutes of waking up.

You may feel awful, wretched for leaving your baby at first. Or you may not. Either is totally normal and fine.

if your baby cries on being left, this is totally normal.

if they don’t cry this is also totally normal and doesn’t mean they don’t love or need you.

Keep in mind what a huge positive it is for your child to see a strong, capable independent female role model who is doing an important and worthwhile job. Hard when they are wailing but becomes increasingly important as they get older.

Doesn’t *want breakfast! Gah. Autocorrect.

Take the job.

@VMarsh29 in case no one else has said this, if it's an NHS job on AfC tems, then choose Monday as your non-working day. Most BH fall on a Monday and you won't need to book them off so you'll get pro-rata BH added to your annual leave. It varies year to year how many BH fall on a Monday but it always works in your favour.

Completely agree to the poster that life at home with a baby is completely different to with a toddler. I couldn't have left my baby, I would happily leave my toddler 😂

I'd pick the 4 day dream job!