How would you stop nerves and imposter syndrome ruining jobs?

[Clarebear81]

So this is an interesting story, it was finally confirmation on what I’d thought was happening.

So I worked with a girl for 10+ years, we became best friends, long story short company closed we got made redundant.

Me being more experienced I got a job instantly, hated it, I found the place toxic as hell, could never do anything right, no one was friendly I couldn’t wait to get out which I did after 3 months. Now my friend applied and got my old
job, she loves it, is getting on like a house on fire, but she reported back to me that they thought I was “Useless” it’s made things very awkward between us now as she know how much I struggled in that job.

But all that aside, all them nasty little voices you try to shrug off as crap were actually right, the problem was me all along given the fact she’s getting on great.

Sad to say I’m not fairing much better in my new job, 4 months in still not fitting in or getting on with people, i’m actually on the lookout again as this isn’t working.

Any advice?

Why would she tell you that other people thought you were "useless"?

In what way are you not getting on with people?

I don't feel she has been a good friend in telling you they thought you were useless. There was nothing to gain by telling you that, and it was obvious you would be hurt by that.

Wow. What an incredibly shit friend. I think they call that a frenemy

She is either tactless in the extreme or using it to bolster her self view and image. Neither are great in a friend.

company culture is so important and it’s not a one size fits all. When I was looking for a job, my criteria were 1. Good people people/culture that fitted and 2. Interesting work. What the work was, and in which sector was a very very distant third.

i have interviewed many really good people in the past and “fit”, which is rather nebulous was always a key factor. I wanted to recruit people who would thrive in our environment, not just people who were capable. I turned down excellent people who just wouldn’t have been right.

don’t be hard on yourself. Really look at the culture and style of working in your next role. Good luck

I’m a shy introvert naturally. Being the new gal I know I have to step out of my comfort zone, I
am friendly person, I try to make small talk but you’re getting 1 word answers, you know you’re getting no where, I’m not doing anything unusual really, I make small talk with strangers in the shop or on the bus, I’ve gotten further with them tbh, never just 1 word answers, like drawing trying to draw blood from a stone

Maybe, she didn’t want to say in fairness but I drew it out of her.

“They felt that ultimately it didn’t gel as a good fit” is still better than “they thought you were useless”

Culture is very difficult to guage at interview stage. If you don't 'fit' it can make you feel dreadful.

Your friend might just be a better fit? I worked in an office for a few years where I didn't 'fit' and it destroyed my self confidence. The best thing to do is get out. Very toxic work places just eat up people who don't fit. Basically bullying.

Ignore your friend. She's not being kind. But also try to give your new place a chance. Maybe look into cbt exercises online to change your thinking. It takes time to find your feet.

Exactly and then you’re in and it’s really too late

In fairness to her she’s the really outgoing chatty type, never shuts up, and if no one else is around to talk too she’ll stand talking to herself lol. Kinda polar opposite of me, I think that’s why we just clicked. But I think people like her have an easier time fitting in than shy people anyway

I think it's double edged. I think you can certainly be shy and grow into a place but if it's not a supportive place that accepts all personalities, then your confidence goes and you withdraw completely.

I've been there! You actually don't perform as well as you could either cos you are so anxious!!

You might not have been quite right at that job but I bet it wasn't because you're introverted.

I've found introverts do pretty well in the workplace. I'm an extravert and when in my 20s I used to be too chatty in the workplace and would blurt out the wrong thing often (Bigmouth Strikes Again as Morissey puts it) and it's got me in lots of trouble various times. I'm a bit more restrained now in my latest job and get on better.

Your "friend" (frenemy really like a pp said) might just be better at the job in some skills-based way. She's not very nice though eh!

Hmmm, you found the culture hopeless, someone else is now thriving in the culture who thinks it’s acceptable to tell you “they thought you were useless”. That says more about them (both your former colleague and the horrible workplace) than it does about you.

but to re your actual question re imposter syndrome, I haven’t a clue, I’ve got such an atrocious internal voice, it definitely gets in the way of doing my best work. And I can see my eldest start to show the same patterns. Counselling???

She could be telling you anything to make herself sound great. And as much as you have those negative voices, others can have deluded voices thinking they themselves are fabulous.

Personally I've tried to play to my strengths more. I'm not the life of the party but I'm friendly. I work hard and get on with things. Im open about what i cant do/not strong at but will try. Essentially I do my best and if that's still not enough, then the work isn't right for me and I look elsewhere. I teach my kids the same, try hard, you can't be the best all the time

Agree about imposter syndrome exacerbating the problems.

I'm shy too and worked somewhere with an awful culture. I didn't speak up for myself early on just kind of took it then found my anger and started biting back as it was just too much. It set off this really unhealthy defensive dynamic which meant I was getting angry/biting back at minor things and probably looked insane but I was just sick of being shat on and undermined all the time. Everyone there had a similar problem though as the only woman in a non-admin role I seemed to get it the worst. I gritted my teeth through two years there as it was my first real job in my desired profession but leaving was a relief.

Thankfully that was the hardest job I ever had but it was valuable as a learning experience. Although I'm still an introvert and lack confidence in most areas. After 12 years working in my field I finally feel confident in this one area and have receipts (a cracking design portfolio) and this has really helped with the imposter syndrome to the point that I can pick up the phone and cold calling people offering my freelancing services. Strangely enough all my clients (5) I gained via a phone call.

So my suggestion is find a way to be really confident in your skills. Remind yourself of your qualifications, remind yourself of problems you solved, positive feedback you received etc. This can be hard depending on your field if there isn't a physical product you produce but there must be targets (even implied ones) or something used as a bench mark.

To be fair if they’ve told her they thought you were useless it’s toxic AF. She’ll slip up and do one wrong thing and they’ll think she’s useless too. That’s how these places work.

Maybe in the new place just turn up, show willing, be polite and try to pick up and do the job. Then nothing can stick to you…..

looking at your isername I’m wondering if you’re in your 40s similar age to me? Think it’s really difficult starting jobs this age. I started something 2 years ago and don’t really feel settled. I feel like the other people my age have been there a while. Or the younger ones are all chummy and gossipy and I fit in neither camp tbh.