Worried about losing my maternity pay

[minecraftmumma]

Hi everyone.

11 months ago, my job let me move with my OH to Ireland as OH has moved there (from Newcastle) for 18 months, and I have 3 year old twins, they said I could spend a year in Ireland with OH, but I would need to come back to Newcastle regularly and return after the year. They dont have an office in Ireland and also have a strict office based policy, so it was a very kind gesture from my boss to allow me to move there for the year. I am due to return to Newcastle next month, with my DDs, and OH will stay in Ireland for a further 6-8 months depending on wrapping up his project.

Big surprise, I found out 11 weeks ago I am pregnant (at 43). Not planned, and I am feeling terrible. Perhaps its my age(?) but the nausea and fatigue are real: a lot worse than with my twins.The idea of returning on my own to Newcastle to be working, pregnant, and with my little ones on my own is making me really worried. I haven't told work yet as I'm not yet at 12 weeks. I would like to stay and have the baby in Ireland at the hospital I have been seen at until now (bleeding and minor complications have meant I've been seen a bit). But I am worried my employer will say no.

I am entitled to 3.5 months of enhanced maternity pay with my job (20 years of service!) so I really want to keep my job and receive the maternity pay as well as stay here with my OH and DDs all together until the baby is born and we move back once I've had the baby on maternity leave.

AIBU? How would you approach this conversation ? I was looking forward to going back to Newcastle and comfortable with parenting the little ones alone while working again, until this pregnancy. Now I feel so broken and wiped out. I manage to work (from home) but on the weekends I am bed ridden as a result and do nothing but lie in bed with a sick bowl (rarely sick, mainly feeling bad). I also lost 3 kg since the pregnancy and my BMI was 19 to start, just helping to paint the picture.

maybe i have no choice but I wanted to ask you all for your thoughts -you often think more clearly than me :)

Can your OH not come back for weekend + Monday or Friday, at least?

What does the agreement state about returning or the consequences if you don’t?

I'm so sorry you sound really unwell, losing so much weight while pg.

If it were me, I'd forego the enhanced pay and do what's best for my health and family. I do appreciate though that I'm in a position that I could make ends meet by asking family for help etc.

I think if you can at all afford it, that's what I'd do.

OH cannot because he works 6 days a week.
The agreement never mentioned consequences.
We got legal advice on tax and remote working, and then agreed over email my leave and return dates. And that I would visit the office every 10 weeks minimum. Which I have done.

@Mumoftwo1312 thank you. I agree that if they say no - I will have to do this.
It really pains me and probably because I really would love the maternity pay and it would mean a lot for us, I feel it is unfair that for the sake of working a further 6 months until I take leave. I dont know if they will worry I may not return after the leave (I will - our home in Newcastle) but I suppose every company has that concern when an employee goes on leave
I wasn't sure whether to mention the sickness, and see if my doctor could help with a letter to explain how ill I have been. but still it is an internal policy and they could say no.

I would hang fire right now because the first trimester can often be very physically difficult.. however it often settles down during the second to a point where you can even forget you are pregnant!
This was my eexperience at work and I'm so glad I did not announce my pregnancy earlier or try to go off sick or leave... as after a couple of months I was actually fine again and able to work up to the third trimester and hence get proper maternity leave.
I think you should leave it to 20 weeks to tell them.. you could still have the baby in Ireland if you take your maternity leave from 34 weeks or similar.. just go back there then and transfer your care.

Do you have any support in Newcastle? Could you afford a nanny or mother's help? Presumably you would have to pay for maternity care in Ireland.

3kg in 11 weeks when you were already above a healthy weight threshold is negligible.

Can you really not just make it work for a short while? It seems daft to pack in a 20 year job for the sake of a few weeks of putting your head down to tough out temporary difficulties.

I don’t think it is fair to say is is unfair when they have gone over and above by letting you work remotely for a year. They have stuck to their agreement.

i dont have support, but my DDs go to a day care while I go to work.
With pick up and drop off I need to take time out and then work in the evenings when they are asleep. In Ireland, OH is home and can do pick up which helps.

3kg is probably negligible, and I do know that things can improve. I just would like to ask for any ideas on how I can approach a conversation to see if I can stay here until the baby is born. when I briefly solo parented before while working long hours, I struggled. Knowing I am not going back to it pregnant makes me stressed and I wanted to ask if anyone could think of any options. but I dont no there are any. OR, maybe its an unreasonable request and I need to stick to my part of the bargain.
I miscarried at 17 and 13 weeks before, so I dont ideally want to tell them early, but also dont want my decreasing performance to count against me.

Unfortunately I don’t think you have any choice here. As you have said, they were already generous in allowing you to go for the year, to put it simply it’s a case of “not their problem”. It’s unfair to complain now that you are having to hold up your end of the deal really, especially if they have a strict office rule (my work place does also). They have bent the rules for you as it is, so at this stage it’s either go back or lose the mat pay and leave really. You can’t have everything. As others have said though I would honestly not make any decisions based solely on how you feel right now. I felt absolutely horrendous during my first trimester, exhausted, nauseous, lost weight and just felt like I had the flu for 13/14 weeks. Honestly almost as soon as I ticked over into second trimester I felt so much better and you may kick yourself if you give it up and then find that actually you’re feeling fine again

thank you