24, Career, Broody, Exams, HELP

[port2022]

Hi everyone

I am so broody that it is actually making me want to cry just thinking about having a baby. I've always thought I'll have a baby at some point but the feeling is so strong. Now it may be down to my sisters having babies and my best friend being pregnant.... but before I knew my best friend was pregnant I did speak with my fiancé and we said we would try at the end of the year. When I think about it, I'd love to start a family and we know we can provide for a little one.

A bit about me and my fiancée. I'm 24, I started my job as a trainee middle of 2022 and qualified August 2023. I would like to progress in my job and this means further exams which can be taken at the start of the year and in September. For me to get to chartered status I need 5 years industry experience so I'm about 3.5 years away from this. I've started studying for the next one, I'm supposed to be studying now but just keep thinking about a little baby... help! I worry about what work would say, perhaps they'd think omg she's pregnant and she's not even been doing the role for long etc. I think my other reservations are the others are in their late 30s and had children in their mid 30s. I've always said I'd like to be pregnant at 25.

My fiancée is flexible with his work. He works from home majority of the day and then goes to do some classes in the evening, so in relation to child care we would be ok. I know work would offer me flexible working to accommodate the times my fiancée would go to work, it helps that he is self employed.

We have a home, good jobs and a good support network. Honestly writing this I am thinking why not just try for a baby now?!

I know it's possible to study whilst pregnant and once you're a parent as my mums done it and a few other ladies I know have done it. Has anyone else done this and could offer me some advice? Makes me a bit nervous!

Another thing, I'd be scared to take the full maternity off with work and would consider going back around 4/5 months especially as my fiancée would be with our baby. It's a fast paced job and I don't want to fall behind. Has anyone gone back to work sooner than 9 months and how did they find it?

I appreciate this is a lot! Grateful to any responses, maybe you can help calm my hormones or make me even more broody 

Honestly if I don't try for a baby this year I'll adopt another dog... and then perhaps another and another until the feeling goes away and I doubt it will, it keeps coming back ten fold!

Thank you x

You do you.

I wanted until mid 30's so that I had an established career before having a baby and I would do that again. I was broody from 18 but held off so that I could financially support a child and have a great salary so I could drop a day a week with having little impact on my career.

Childcare is expensive if you partner is WFH you will still need childcare.

If you have not bought a home your affordability is impacted by having a child.

I loved traveling in my 30's and have no regrets in waiting.

Motherhood is isolating in the evening and you will not be able to take on exciting career enhancing opportunities in the same way as a childless person.

I had my boy at 21 (26 now). I have a demanding professional career, which had an intense training period.

In all honesty, my advice would be to wait. I can’t stress how difficult it is to try and build your career and do your training along side raising a baby/small child. I’m not going into the details of why it’s hard, because it’s lots of small, exhausting, daily challenges. I have to work harder, sleep less and organise a lot more than my childfree colleagues.

Additionally, given how much you want this baby it’s a bit naive to assume you’d be fine going back to work when it’s only 4/5 months- you will be hormonal, tired from the newborn stage, you will just be starting to enjoy your baby and their advancing interactions, you and baby will be bonded and you will likely feel very attached as they are so dependent at that age. It’s much harder than you think to leave a 4 month old who’s spent all of their time with you since the day they were born. It’s hard to concentrate in work when you’re thinking about your baby and your emotions/hormones are causing you to pine for them. It’s a guttural instinctive feeling.

This isn’t to be harsh, I’m sure you’d make it work either way. However, my advice would be to put it off, build your career, then take that time off work so you actually get to enjoy your baby. It’s a special time and you’ll want to be in a position where you can enjoy it.

Regarding childcare my fiancés mother would watch the child, we spoke to her about this previously and she said she’d be happy to. She’s a stay at home mum herself. My fiancé is a personal trainer so his work from home is him creating online programmes and checking up on his clients etc so childcare isn’t too much of a concern. I’ve seen how expensive it gets with my sister!

When I think about travelling I think about how exciting it would be to make memories with a little family! Especially when they’re older. I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years now and it just feels like the right time?

Yes we have recently got on the property ladder too so this is why I feel more settled into potentially trying.

With the career enhancing opportunities, my fiancé and I spoke about this and he’d be willing to spend more time at home if it meant me being successful in my career as he’s settled in his job.

Thanks for replying!

@Ruffpuff thanks for the reply!

The majority of my training has been done re getting into the career now it’s the technical knowledge, improving on that. However my role would stay the same no matter if I did these exams or not, the benefit is the pay raise which won’t come for another 3 years!

I get everything you said. It’s a lot to think about. It would be great if the feeling would go away and not come back until I’ve done the further exams! However I don’t know how long these exams are going to take me!

Would you do your career first before a baby if you could change how it was for you? X

I don't understand what the huge rush is other than those pesky hormones. I'd wait until you are chartered. It will give you more flexibility. Having kids is so much more than getting pregnant and babies.

I had a baby at 24 and it was really really hard. Don't underestimate the impact of it on every aspect of your life. We've had to put off moving to a bigger house while prices went up, we couldn't afford a big wedding, we couldn't have the age gap we would have wanted as we were too overwhelmed, and my career has taken a hit. I would seriously consider waiting even a couple of years.

@port2022 you have some lovely ideas however reality will likely be different. Don't ask the question if you don't want honest feedback.

Look at all the grandparent threads on here.

3/4 month off in my opinion is not enough time.

Babies/ Toddlers want their mothers and you will want to be with your child. Work will not be your priority and you will not get the same opportunities.

You can't have it all. Follow Pregnant and Screwed and Mother Pukka and see the realities for the juggle.

I already had a well established career before having DC, which was just as well as my priorities completely changed!
There's no way I'd have gone back at 4 months, it's difficult to switch off from baby when they're so young. In fact I considered not going back at all.

I've worked 3 days a week since I've had first DC and that's allowed me to do so many things with them over the years. I'd really feel I'd missed out on my DC if I'd been working full-time and studying on top of that particularly in those early years which go by so quickly.

That's just me and you may be completely different but I found I just didn't want to miss out on a single thing with my DC when they were little.

Everyone feels differently though. Or maybe your circumstances may allow you to go part-time and extend your training over several more years if you find you need to

You cannot work form home effectively and manage child-care. You need to budget for nursery or childminder. That may delay your plans somewhat until you progress at work.

Honestly OP I would really recommend waiting. Your situation outside of work is good, but it’ll be even better in a few years and you have time on your side.

Yes, you can work and train alongside a baby but it is HARD. And going back to work is hard. Think about it: if you’re this desperate for a baby now how do you think you’d feel having to leave that baby for 9+ hours a day? When they’re still so tiny and absolutely reliant on their caregivers?

I agree that it’s a good idea to follow pregnant then screwed (a campaign group which fights for more support for parents) to see some of the difficult realities of working and raising kids.

My advice is get married first. I don't think you're in a terrible position to have a baby but you sound a bit naive (sorry, we probably all are before we have our first, it's nothing about you personally!). Maybe it will all go great and you can return to work after a few months without issue, do your exams and progress etc. Or maybe you will be like me and have to take months and months off work during pregnancy as you're bed-bound with HG, and then get PND and can't return to work at 4mo or have a baby that you decide to breastfeed and end up feeling much more strongly about than you expect and don't want to leave at 4mo. If anything doesn't go to plan - which I feel it's pretty likely SOME of it won't, as I don't think I know anyone where absolutely everything went plain sailing as expected - the biggest issue here is you'd be the one taking the financial/career risk with no security at all because you aren't married.

If you two can have a baby together you can get married, it will protect you financially/legally. There is no way I would be having a baby before marriage. For some context I had DC1 at 24. It completely fucked up my career plans tbh, I was so naive. I'm now quite stuck in a mixture of low paid work and insecure work with uncertain progression opportunities. My DH on the other hand was studying a PG course when we had DC1 and now earns more than twice what I do in a professional career. I don't regret anything but I would be in a very very vulnerable situation now if we split and I wasn't married.

Get some long term contraception sorted now, as that will protect you from the consequences of your hormones screaming 'But I want a baby now, everybody else has got one and I want one too'. Saying you'd like to be pregnant at 25 means nothing, really. If you were 'always saying' it, that takes you back to being 15, when anybody over 20 seemed old.

In five years, you'll be fully qualified, experienced and more settled in terms of incomes, marriage, home, security of employment, etc. It also reduces the likelihood that your boyfriend realises in a few months that not only are you pregnant despite him not being ready for it, he doesn't want to be married or settled down yet (and then disappears off into the sunset with a 22 year old who definitely doesn't want a baby).

Get married first. Then enjoy a bit of time as a couple. You won't get this time to be yourself if you fill it up with child rearing.

Go on some decent holidays. I really wish id done Thailand Japan and more far flung destinations before ive had dc.

I'd wait longer and get on at work. You cannot have a baby relying on family childcare so you need to figure out how you'd afford childcare in case they turn round and can't help. It's been known to happen.

Having a baby without financial security in this economy is madness. I think you really need both your jobs. PT is not that secure or stable and not a lot of room for your DH increasing his salary whereas you can get promoted in your job. Plus you have pension and sick pay.

You need to think practically. You sound very childish talking about "little baby" and joking about getting lots of dogs. Its silly to make important life choices because your sister and friends are doing something. Little babies very quickly becoming demanding toddlers. Having kids is draining emotionally and financially.

You are young. Why don't you watch your dsis and friend and see how they get on? Give it a few years. You can get on at work and learn from them at the same time. Plus sort being married. You really don't want to have children without marriage.

do What you want, but honestly I’m glad I had my 20s child free. You sound a bit silly and naive in your post, please for gods sake don’t get loads of dogs. And please please do fully get your head round the fact it may not happen easily. No one should assume they’ll have kids. It’s a massive life long commitment, not just a cute baby. I’d prioritise getting married and buying a property, and honestly I’d be wanting your partner to be very financially secure, being a self employed PT is very precarious. And don’t rely on family for childcare, there is zero commitment there.

I have a career and starting trying for DC at 26 and had my first at 28, which is fairly unusual for the people I know professionally. It did work for me eventually, however it is a bit stop start and really depends on your priorities. Being in a senior position now 11 years later I really can’t imagine taking maternity leave at this point but many do. I wanted a family more than I wanted career/travel and think that’s perfectly valid!

I wasn’t very bothered about the career at first, though I have had a professional role with chartered status (qualified a few years before having dc) throughout, I was just getting by for the first 5 or so years, though I did have one promotion during that time. It’s only once my youngest was 5 that I started to feel any drive towards career tbh.

On reflection I’m very happy with the order I’ve done things in and simply can’t imagine working up to a senior position and then throwing your life upside down by adding in kids - seems fairly bonkers but no doubt having kids in the early stages also seems bonkers to others.

To clarify though, we were married, owned a house big enough for a growing family, joint income at the time of c£70k and we did rely on family for childcare alongside me working 3 days per week for 6 years then 4 days for another 4 years. I took 2x 1 year mat leave.