New job - neurodiversity and performance plan

[namechangnancy]

Hi all,

I'm so hesitant to put this out as I'm so ashamed and at a loss of what to do. Just for background I'm the main breadwinner for my family

I have started a new job a little while ago after being in my old role about 10 years (being promoted several times while there) but I changed jobs/companies due to wanting a new challenge. Always had good or high performance reviews in my old company (this is relevant) and always had fantastic relationships with all my managers (even ones who were known for being tricky)

I have known for a while now I'm ND, my daughter has a formal diagnosis and due to medical complications with my son, I never really felt the need to get it made official as my son's illnesses and my daughter's challenges have kept me busy along with working full time and being the carer of two small humans (I am extremely bad at any type of self care), I am also incredibly aware that the world is set up for NT people and probably a little naively but didn't want the stigma that comes with it.

Anyway started new job at a large company (you would know its name) in management - I had feedback that the work I created was of a high quality delivered on time if not before deadlines. I have had glowing feedback on my interpersonal skills and work from people within and outside of my team

However 2 weeks before my probation date was due my manager informed me she was extending my probation period and putting me on a performance plan. I queried this because I had my mid year review just before and she said she had no issues or concerns, sadly she didn't send the write up at the time so I don't have written copy of this. But it's seems that she's reversed her position.

It's come to light that a comment I said in a recent meeting was perceived as looking down on someone (the person I was looking down on wasn't in the meeting - this was this another person's interpretation) and I am not just assessed on my work out put and quality but how I complete my work and the behaviours I display. And this is the reason for the extension and performance plan.

I'm obviously I'm not going to argue with what was said, I certainly didn't intend to do that and it wasn't my intention (not that it matters) and now I'm terrified. I have way before this told my manager that my daughter is ND and I am to although only just starting the pathway to being diagnosed.

I have asked for a OH referral but I'm terrified. I have contacted my union and showed him all of the documentation and he's as flabbergasted as me over the "comment" that was said and said that he wouldn't have perceived it in the way my manager described but little else advice other than speak to OH

I'm going to lose my job aren't I ? I have never been on a PIP ever in my life, I haven't missed any of my deadlines and all of my colleagues have feedback really positive reviews bar this one person. Would it be worth putting in a formal grievance? I actually just want to keep my job but this doesn't feel right on so many levels (and I'm a manager)

I have documented all of the meetings in email and positive feedback. My manager is currently treating me as if I'm an alien and still hasn't sent me the write up of my review so I'm deeply concerned. This was raised with me one day before I was out for an operation (which was flagged and agreed at point of hire)and as you can guess has made me totally burned out. I haven't had any sick leave as we don't get sick leave bar stat and I took holiday for that operation (which I was happy to do).

I can't sleep, barely eat and I'm so terrified in saying the wrong thing or it being perceived the wrong way I'm even more awkward and clumsy was I was before. The advice I was told was that I need to engage my filter and to not speak on a subject unless asked directly. This comment that's triggered this was me responding to a question directed at me on the subject.

The company I work for is very loud about inclusion, and I'm almost certain HR haven't been involved as of yet. Although I have asked for them to be as the performance review impacts my pay rise and bonus (basically I won't get one) but I also know HR aren't here to protect me but the business so I doubt they will help in anyway.

Advice please

Anyone with the any advice.

Bump help

That sounds a very stressful situation, could you contact the ACAS helpline to ask for advise?

You've got your union rep involved, that's a good start.

HR exist to protect the company, including protecting the company from well-founded tribunal cases. You may benefit from bringing it to HR's attention any procedural failings of your manager that increase your chance of winning a tribunal, such as documents not being sent to you in a timely fashion.

@Saxendi I will thank you - having no experience of this I feel so in the dark.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia I was under the impression I needed a formal diagnosis to get any accommodations and since I'm so new I don't have any of the legal protections that kick in after 2 years.

I honestly don't want to become that person. I just want to do my job well.

To as a ND person to manage peoples perceptions feels like asking a blind person to see what's written on a blackboard and read it out loud. I don't even know how that would be measured to be honest.

I have spent my whole life masking and masking well with no accommodations needed, I feel like I'm failing now suddenly.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you @namechangnancy, it must be incredibly stressful for you. Reading your post a couple of times, it sounds like quite possibly you didn't say anything wrong at all but this one person has (rightly or wrongly) misinterpreted it and it's either hit a sensitive spot with them and/or they have an axe to grind. Is this one comment the only reason you've been given for your probation being extended? Quite possibly this has nothing to do with you being ND and everything to do with the motivations of the one person who has complained. Unless there are other examples/reasons you've been given? Is it all down to behaviours and that one comment you made? Are you able to share what the comment was or will be that be too outing?

It might be worth asking MN to move this to the Work board as there are some very experienced people there who can give you some advice from an employment law/HR perspective as I think that's the area you should focus on right now.

@HundredMilesAnHour I don't want to share what it was currently as it's a colloquisim that would easily identify me and I don't want to antagonise further.

However when I checked with the union - he said it's not offensive or rude but could be taken several ways if they looked hard enough at it

I'm pretty matter of fact so tend to state a fact - irony, sarcasm escapes me let alone me being able to do it - but I do mask very well. If you met me you would think she's eccentric and I try my best to empathise with people especially if I can see their struggling and trying but I also think obviously this could come across wrong.
My manager acknowledges this wasn't what she would take from me saying that but someone else has and they are far up in the food chain. It's all based on me making thoughtless/implusive comment, obviously ironically I tend to script certain conversations to make sure this doesn't happen but if I'm put on the spot I can't always script what I say and I realise that's a me problem.

Ultimately I don't disagree with what's been said I said and I want to change this person perception and work on any points raised . One option is I stay silent not comment on anything but that could be interpreted as passive aggressive and sullen and my brain if put on the spot would probably say something ridiculous like no comment in some type of vein attempt to talk and say something but not know what to say and be worried about how someone will take it.

I would love mumsnet to move this post to that area (but I dont know how).

Hopefully this makes sense to everyone. I don't want to raise a grievance I really don't conflict is not my strong suit and it would make me say something again that might be thought as though less

I would love mumsnet to move this post to that area (but I dont know how).

@namechangnancy If you click on the Report button at the bottom of your first post, you can then ask MN to move to Work.

It sounds like a grievance would be a hefty reaction so not a good idea. Makes sense now that this has come about because it was someone senior who complained. Sounds like you need to find a way to get the senior person on board with you actually being a decent person - maybe ask your manager's advice as how you can tackle this? Given what you've said about unscripted conversations, it sounds like having an informal chat with the senior person would be too high risk but maybe your manager can suggest an alternative way of approaching them?

When I first started a new job, I managed to piss off someone quite senior (and who had the ear of the Board) by doing nothing wrong other than disagreeing politely with her in a meeting - because she was actually wrong and I had been hired to fix and lead the screw-up she created! My boss and his boss agreed that I did nothing wrong and had behaved appropriately but this senior woman was gunning for me from then on, and even complained to one of the Board about me (not a great start in a new job!). She continued to do everything she could to undermine me. In fact, at the end of one meeting she asked me to stay behind and then she proceeded to give me a lecture about my "behaviours". 🙄(The only thing wrong with my behaviour was not agreeing with her 😂so as you can see, I am still completely unrepentant) In the end I was forced to play nice and ask her to go out for lunch with me so we could have a 'chat' - basically so she could tell me what an evil bitch I was and I had to smile and nod and pretend I was so grateful for her advice and time and how I would take onboard everything she was saying. I deserved an Oscar. Still surprised I didn't stab her with my fork to be honest. 😜After that, she stopped the complaining and left me to get on with my job so I guess it was worth it. My boss and his boss knew she was totally out of order but for the sake of a quiet life, it was easier for me to fake subservience and just eyeroll in private.

@HundredMilesAnHour I have privately (and mentioned it to no one) thought that the senior person may also be ND as we are incredibly similar and also says some comments that could be perceived as bad - such as joking she was going to be firing people so they best watch out (with no smile) - I thought that was a joke/banter but god knows - I'm not one to make judgments on people's comments

My manager I think gets what I'm saying but has always been one to tow the political line. My problem is I don't know where the line is (if there was a straight do x I would), she's even acknowledged measuring this would be hard or nearly impossible.

I will ask mn to move this. Thank you for your kind words and I'm going to certainly try and work on the actions you mentioned

I grew up with a highly functioning alcoholic who didn't believe in ND and even if he had - I was trained at a young age to "fit in" and to a large part he was successful. But obviously I haven't been successful enough because I still feel like I'm wandering around in the dark. He died when I was teens so at least that's removed the pressure somewhat. I can only imagine what he would say if I told him about this. I feel very stressed out and just want to do a good job.

Again your comment has been appreciated.

I suggest getting on the waiting list for a diagnosis in case this happens again in years to come.

You are protected from disability discrimination from day one of your job.

I would email her asking for your review. Good you have copies of your communications.

You can pass a PIP. The objectives should be SMART; they are supposed to be achievable.