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Original poster

Should I go to HR?

23 replies

Notaderrysgirl · 16/12/2023 22:54

I had my office Christmas party recently and had an incident that really upset me. I will try to provide as much context as possible whilst keeping to the point.

it was the end of the night and I stepped outside for a vape and a colleague - let’s call her Jane - offered to share a taxi home as she was leaving now. I thought “oh fab, thank you so much! Let me just quickly pop back in to say good bye to a few people” and for reasons I will never know she grabbed me by my jacket and tried to stop me from going back in, I tugged my jacket back and she grabbed my hair to try and stop me going back in. I managed to get her off and went back inside. It was so out of character for Jane and I was quite shocked. It must have looked like we were having a scuffle! She had had a few drinks but I don’t feel that’s an excuse.

I’m really angry and upset by it, she hurt me when she pulled my hair.

Should I make a complaint with HR? On one hand she hurt and upset me and on the other maybe she was just joking around and went too far and I’m being sensitive? Should I have a word with her without HR being involved?

Again to provide context we are a large company with 150+ employees at the party and I do not working directly with Jane however I considered us work friends.

OP posts:
Whiskerson · 16/12/2023 23:00

If you are work friends and she was drunk, I don't know why you'd go to HR before even addressing it with her? You say "for reasons I will never know" but you've not asked her!

My guess is - she was drunk, she was annoyed at the thought of waiting for you to say goodbye to everyone, she thought she was kind of joking around by pulling you along. Maybe also she's a bit of a dick.

What outcome do you want from HR? Since it's got nothing to do with your actual work, I would guess you basically want her to be told off and be sorry? That would best be achieved by you confronting her (assertively, not aggressively), not by taking up HR's time. It's not really why people go into HR jobs, to arbitrate personal disputes.

Hillcrest2022 · 16/12/2023 23:07

Hi, I work in HR and this would be classified as a workplace violence incidence and that colleague would be taken through a disciplinary process. Her actions were completely unacceptable.

Without a witness, what would help you is if you report it to you manager or mentioned it to anyone else that evening so they could be interviewed. That would strengthen you as a credible concern raiser.

It's obviously upset you (quite rightly), so please do report it to HR.

Hillcrest2022 · 16/12/2023 23:09

Whiskerson · 16/12/2023 23:00

If you are work friends and she was drunk, I don't know why you'd go to HR before even addressing it with her? You say "for reasons I will never know" but you've not asked her!

My guess is - she was drunk, she was annoyed at the thought of waiting for you to say goodbye to everyone, she thought she was kind of joking around by pulling you along. Maybe also she's a bit of a dick.

What outcome do you want from HR? Since it's got nothing to do with your actual work, I would guess you basically want her to be told off and be sorry? That would best be achieved by you confronting her (assertively, not aggressively), not by taking up HR's time. It's not really why people go into HR jobs, to arbitrate personal disputes.

Did you miss the part where her colleague pulled her hair? I would absolutely dismiss her for that.

Darkenergy · 16/12/2023 23:11

Do you really want an hr investigation, statements taken, witnesses approached, then either having to continue to work with this woman after it's all done or having her dismissal on your conscience? It's not a pleasant incident but wouldn't you rather just put it behind you?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 16/12/2023 23:12

So what happened next? Did you just get away and not say anything to her or anyone else? Assuming you didn't share a taxi?

Whiskerson · 16/12/2023 23:12

I think it's a bit sad that some bungled horseplay when drunk after a Christmas party should lead automatically to a disciplinary procedure. It's not OK what Jane did, but that seems like the nuclear option to me. Given the context and that it seemed out of character, wouldn't it feel better to talk to her directly first? Before plunging everyone into a disciplinary process?

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 23:13

Were you very drunk and she was trying to stop you going back for more drinks and to get you home safely?

Original poster
Notaderrysgirl · 16/12/2023 23:16

when I went back inside I was quite flustered but didn’t say anything to anyone I just wanted to get home so I tried to call for my own taxi, but there were none available so I walked home with another colleague (who luckily lives in the same street as me and we both had no idea we were neighbours!). Further to this the day after I was very unwell with vomiting and stomach ache so I think I may have got food poisoning from the dinner but that’s a whole other thread!

OP posts:
Treesinmygarden · 16/12/2023 23:20

If she is normally a friend, why would you say anything? She reacted in a way that was out of character when she was drunk? What do you want to happen - get her sacked?

I think you should have this out with her face to face, privately.

HappyMavis · 16/12/2023 23:22

Definitely make a complaint Tarzan, it's the completely rational and logical way forward. Looking forward to the other thread!!

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 16/12/2023 23:22

Have any of your colleagues mentioned 'food poisoning' is that not usually code for stonking hangover?

Original poster
Notaderrysgirl · 16/12/2023 23:26

I had a glass of champagne with my meal and then a glass of Rosé and that was as wild as I was prepared to get!

OP posts:
Getoverit1965 · 16/12/2023 23:39

I would have a word with her rather than go to hr. As you said totally out of character. Probably just overdid the booze and will no doubt be mortified.

picklepotage · 16/12/2023 23:41

Have you see your colleague since the party?

Personally I'd see how she behaves and if she's not apologetic I'd probably mention it and see her reaction. It she's embarrassed and apologises I'd leave it.

KittensandPerverts · 17/12/2023 07:51

Yes you probably have a case.

If it was me?

It was 'recent' (so not yesterday?)

You've had time to reflect.

Why not just speak to her first?

Brird · 17/12/2023 08:46

You describe her as a friend, so of course you speak to her first. There is no way I would go straight to HR for one-off drunken behaviour from someone I though of as a friend. She may well not remember it if she hasn't apologised to you, or in her hazy memory it was just a moment of messing around and she didn't realise she hurt you. Just speak to her.

PaperDoIIs · 17/12/2023 09:16

I'd ask her wtf happened first. Depending on her answer I'd decide how to move forward.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/12/2023 09:27

Did anyone else see this happen? I'm thinking of the scenario that you speak to HR, she denies it. I wouldn't be surprised if she raised a grievance to counter it if no one else saw. It's shit, and unfair, and not right but without a witness or any evidence I don't know what you can do.

Has she not been in touch since it happened? If she was drunk enough to accost a co-worker, she might not even remember. Not that that's an excuse, obviously.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 17/12/2023 09:30

Yes report this.

Whilst it will be difficult for HR to act without witnesses there may have been other incidents. There may be more in the future.

Frasers · 17/12/2023 09:31

On one hand you describe this like a serious assault and want to go to hr. On the other hand you say she was just joking around and went too far. Which is it. If it is the latter then no, why would you go to hr?

Fiddlesticksand · 17/12/2023 09:44

Brird · 17/12/2023 08:46

You describe her as a friend, so of course you speak to her first. There is no way I would go straight to HR for one-off drunken behaviour from someone I though of as a friend. She may well not remember it if she hasn't apologised to you, or in her hazy memory it was just a moment of messing around and she didn't realise she hurt you. Just speak to her.

This. I'm in HR. Please talk to her first. The grievance and disciplinary process is a whole new world of pain for both of you.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2023 11:03

Take a step back and see it in the context of someone having a few too many bevvies and their inhibitions being removed by alcohol. That's it, no more no less, not an assault, just a stupid drunken moment. She "hurt you" - OK it must have been unpleasant, but unless she ripped a massive clump of your hair out of your head, was it really that serious?

Jane is very likely to be feeling embarrassed and hoping it will all be forgotten (how many similar threads are there on here about daft drunken Christmas do behaviour where people don't want to show their face again). Hopefully Jane has learned her lesson. No point rubbing salt into her wounds.

Have a think about what you stand to gain or lose by blowing this isolated incident out of proportion (remembering your own words that it was out of character for Jane).

Megifer · 17/12/2023 11:07

I'd just speak to her, HR aren't the workplace Mums and aren't required to resolve every workplace issue.

What happened when you both got in the taxi? Did you ask why she was being a dick?

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