How to not totally fail at this new job, again?!

[antinormal]

Ok basically, I'm a little bit of a socially awkward person. I don't know what to say sometimes, I can be very quiet and awkward. I can say the wrong thing without meaning to. Definitely bad for long silences when I'm trying to think of what to say. I just struggle a bit.

When I was younger I had a brief stint as an estate agent where someone actually took the time to complain about me after I went to do a take on of their house, saying that I made them feel uncomfortable, didn't say much and that it was an awkward and unprofessional experience. You can imagine that made a lack of confidence issue even worse and I left the job and have done back office type admin ever since, for 8 years!!

I feel like between the relentless years of data entry and not challenging myself, as well as 2 x maternity leave and bringing up babies that in a way I've gotten even worse. I feel stupid, socially inept and lacking confidence. However, I do have two wonderful little kids. I've done a good job as a mum so far. I've gotten married, bought a house, made some strong friendships, although still admin jobs I have managed to progress and been offered a good opportunity now to do something new, so I can't be as bad as I've convinced myself I am.

I'm starting a new position soon, where I do need to be confident, I need to be able to approach people who will often be angry, or distressed. I need to be able to try and solve problems, look for solutions, advocate for people which will sometimes involve really fighting their side and getting push back for doing so etc. It is something that I've got so much potential to fuck up. It's also really out of comfort zone and I want to be able to look back and think it was the best thing I ever did, and whether or not it works out I want it to of got me out of my shell, boosted my confidence and pushed me out of the boring, unrewarding but safe category of roles I've been in for a long time.

But how do I do it? How do I not fuck it up? I'm so scared someone will find me awkward and complain again. I'm scared I'll be put in a situation where I'm meant to be the one helping, fighting their corner, getting problems solved and I'm just going to have long silent pauses and not knowing what to say.

Well presumably you did a good interview to her the job. But it does sound like it will be a challenge particularly as your work will have an impact on others lives. I'm not sure if you can fake outgoing but I work with someone who's a bit dour but she's excellent at her job because of it - she cuts to the chase!

Why did you apply for the job and why did they give it you? There must be something that makes you and them think you can do it. I suspect you may find it easier than you think. It doesn't sound like you will be making idle chitchat the way you need to in an Estate Agent job. All communication will have a clear purpose and to the point.

I applied for it because it's in the same area I already work but just a far more interesting sounding job. I do like the idea of working with people after so long just being by myself at a computer, and I convinced myself that it will force me out of my comfort zone and help me become more confident and assertive. I didn't think I'd get it, but the interview went really well and I did and since accepting all I've done is panic and worry. I nearly turned it down but I'm trying to just go along with it and hope it works out.

You sound like me op. I've managed to start freelancing in a job that has minimal personal interaction with people which was great until one of my clients wanted me to start visiting customers personally (i work in design). I practice lots of neural comments. 'thats great, what a nice house/garden/wallpaper, wow! Etc etc. Then think of lots of questions that would work in a small talk situation. What do you do, I like your shoes where are they from? Etc.

Lots of people like talking about themselves so a good strategy is to ask lots of questions then listen attentively and repeat.

I still come across as awkward I'm sure but a big smile and lots of flattering questions will get you a long way.

My pitfall is when I try to be funny and it either falls flat or it comes across badly so I accidently offend people. It's harder to get away with it when you are female I think 😑

Turn the whole thing on its head. Instead of focusing on what you say/do/what people are thinking about you while you're working, focus yourself entirely on your clients and solving their problems and being in the moment for them. I find that when I'm thinking completely about the task at hand I don't have any attention span left for thinking about what I'm saying/doing/whether people are unhappy with my level of communication etc. Then it all comes a bit more naturally.
Obviously it won't work immediately but when you've been at it for a while it will start getting easier.

One thing I will say is, what have you done to work on your resilience since then? It wasn't a proportionate response to leave your promising career after one complaint from one customer. In the sort of job you've described, service users will speak their mind. You need to make sure you've worked on being in a place where you can at least keep going after getting criticism, even if you can't brush it off the way some people can. You might need some coping mechanisms to get you through the immediate feelings so you can get stuck in again straight away. Can you afford any therapy to work on this? If you can nail this, you can have a very rewarding and satisfying career.

Very helpful post from @helpfulperson! I agree. Communication doesn’t always have the same purpose. I can be really good at communication but would be absolutely hopeless in a sales job (like estate agency) because I’m terrible at any sort of ‘patter’. (I did once have a sales job and I didn’t sell very much 😂) But I have had other types of jobs which required really good communication and I could do them well because the communication had a specific purpose, for example problem-solving or helping a person to understand something.

Despite being an introvert, I now do a job which involves being (or at least appearing to be) confident, outgoing, enthusiastic. None of which is really ‘me’ but it feels like I am playing a role. And it works- I do the job well.

If you have been offered this role, there is a very strong chance you’re cut out for it! Good luck. 🍀

Thank you for some really helpful responses. Really good advice to try and focus on the people I'm helping rather than what people think of me. I am hoping it'll feel more natural solving an actual situation as opposed to trying to sell something, yes.

I understand in terms of resilience, I was 20 when I took on the estate agent job and felt just as awkward as I came across. I felt really out of my depth and found the whole thing quite scary, the complaint was just a step too far and I just thought nope, fuck this. I like to think that I've grown up enough to not end up in this situation again but it is playing on my mind.

Do as much research as you can of the new company, the customers and the type of issues you will be helping them with. The more you know, the more confident you will feel.
Don’t be despondent if you don’t immediately click at the job role, experience will make you confident too.
Also the public can be strange at times, try and ignore them or develop a thicker skin as sometimes complaints are made for the most pathetic of reasons.

You sound like me! I'm autistic with ADHD.

If you're going to be dealing with complaints, there'll be a clear process for you to follow which really helps. I know my company policies and processes really well, which means when I do speak to people, I'm knowledgeable and professional.

We are generally our own harshest critics. I had my end of year conversation today and was expecting lots of constructive feedback, but have been told I'm doing a really, really good job in my new role. I bet you're far better than you think you are.

Age has also helped me. I'm in my 50s and at the stage where I care a lot less about what others think of me.

You absolutely can do this. You wouldn't have got the job otherwise. Oh, and congratulations on your new job!

To add to other advice: dealing with complaining people is easier, in some ways, than small talk with people while showing them round a house.

You won't need to think of conversation topics because it's already decided: the complaint and what can be done about it. The more you do it, the more fall back phrases you will have that you feel confident and comfortable saying.

One mistake or awkward moment doesn't equate to failing at an entire job.

You can't go into this job still holding the idea that any imperfection is failing. That's setting yourself up to be anxious and to sabotage yourself.

Everybody has moments at work where things don't go as they'd hoped. That doesn't mean they failed, it's just part of being human.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

It does sound a v different sort of job than estate agent, far less need for small talk and patter, though a bit will be needed when you 1st meet the people. Sounds like it'll be more about empathising and acknowledging their situation.

I think you'll find you develop a few techniques. Including managing expectations. Better to under promise.
I did a similar job and had a few phrases. Eg If I didn't know the answer to something I would say 'that's a complicated question, I'll come back to you...'

Hi OP, I came along to say that I am very similar to you. Sadly I've had many bad experiences with communication at work (even with colleagues) because introverts are often ostracised, I've never been good at making my way into the cliques or 'fitting in' with the popular crowds.
I agree with PP, communication in estate agents, sales, recruitment etc. jobs is vastly different to other work environments. It's superficial, sleazy and all about getting the person to either buy or buy into something, charming them up with an outgoing personality, etc.
In comparison, supporting/helping people is all about focusing on them and solving their problem. I work in this kind of role now and would say I'm fairly good at it. Being introverted and sometimes socially awkward (not knowing what to say) has not been an issue, because most of my time is spent listening to the clients and the rest on trying to help them help themselves... so there's no small talk or having to present myself a certain way or 'fit in'.
I hope this is reassuring to you, believe me I know how you feel but don't let bad experiences spoil your excitement and keenness to try this new role. You said it yourself, it's been too long working as admin and you would like to try something new.