Uncomfortable Work Situation Affecting my MH

[WorkMess]

I will preface this by saying I have a stressful personal life due to a family member's ill health.

I started a new job a few months ago. Certain behaviours exhibited by a senior male colleague have affected my MH to the point where I'm looking for another job but the thing is, it is done so subtly I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting things and going slightly mad.

I've caught them giving me inappropriate looks but then question whether that really happened as they quickly act 'normal' after the incidents. Every time I get friendly with other male colleagues, this senior colleague moves me on to other projects where I am no longer working with said male colleague. At one meeting they berated me about a good working relationship I fostered with another senior male colleague, like I had done something wrong? It was so bizarre.

I sat away from the senior colleague at a works do (not intentionally, just arrived late and sat at the first available seat) and they glared at me throughout like I had personally offended them. I get the same scary glare if I mention I had a good conversation with a colleague I had just met who happens to be male. Again, they quickly act 'normal' after.

There are numerous other incidents but again very subtle (like 'accidently' brushing against me though this only happened once) and leave me wondering whether that actually happened or whether I'm misinterpreting things because of my stressful personal life.

If there is a works event and I come into work on the odd occasion dressed in fancy clothes with make-up, again I recieve glares. In fact they seem incandescent with rage and it feels terrifying.

As per the usual MN advice about such situations at work, I have kept my distance. I have kept all conversations professional and steer them to focus on work. However the more I do this, the angrier they seem to get with me, like it's a personal rejection.

The bizarre thing and the reason why I am questioning my MH is that this senior colleague is significantly younger than me, with a long-term partner and I have no idea why they would be interested in me (I am happily married btw). I dread coming into the office and questioning my sanity like this and am wondering if anyone can identify with my situation and what they did to cope with it?

I am applying for other jobs but am slightly afraid of what the reaction will be once I've submitted my resignation. It's a real shame as I absolutely get on with everyone else and otherwise have really enjoyed working here but my MH is suffering. 😢

To be honest, I read this earlier and wasn't sure what to say, and I still am not sure, but I can see you have got no replies so....

I think that it is really hard to call this one because there doesn't seem to have been anything actually inappropropriate. It seems to be mostly your perception. And you recognise that it may be you reading things that aren't there. HAve you tried talking to a coleagues and asking about this? It may be that you are reading stuff that isn't there. Or maybe, just maybe, the way you are making friends with other male colleagues is what (unintentionally on your part) seems inappropriate, and he has gained the wrong impression of you?

But it seems that it's a case of either ask a colleague, ask him if you've done something, or leave - continuing to feel like this, whether warranted or not, isn't going to help you.

Do you have a trusted female colleagues you could confide in and ask her to discreetly observe his behaviour towards you?

It would be good to have an independent person who can back you up if you decide to complain about this to HR and who might be able to give you their honest opinion as to whether they also think is behaviour is odd or not.

Finding a trusted female colleague is a good idea. One thing you can pretty much guarantee with men like that is that you're not the first and you won't be the last.

Don't try and excuse him or explain it to yourself eg he shouldn't do it as he has a partner. Just take the behaviour at face value.

Start keeping a log of incidents, it will help if you need to address it formally and also it will help you see you're not going mad/making it up.

I have experienced this sort of thing - often I found myself second guessing myself or thinking "did that really just happen?". I was constantly on my guard second guessing where he would be and trying to avoid him but he always seemed to be able to thwart my efforts, whether through work allocation or thinks like invented non issues in my work area so I'd need to attend senior boards he attended to explain myself. Others had noticed it though and once I confided in someone I realised I wasn't making it up. I left eventually and I was a wreck by then.

Hmmm if he is so obviously "incandescent" and nastily glaring etc on so many occasions, surely other people would have noticed it?
Trusted colleague is a great idea, but if you don't have one I'd say try to gently broach it with someone you have a positive relationship with (even some of the Male colleagues you befriended if necessary). Don't put any 'sexual' perspective on it, just say you are feeling more and more uncomfortable and you have no idea what he is so angry about and why he is so keen to discourage your work friendships.
Do you think he might be jealous of you, for being liked and popular with colleagues when perhaps he isn't?

@FallingStar21 I think maybe there could be a jealousy aspect to it. I have asked him on previous occasions if I have done something to offend but the answer is always no so not sure what more I can do tbh. I do have a trusted female colleague and might ask her if she has noticed anything or not. I've always managed to find a way to get on with everyone in my working life so I can't figure this one out and it's really bothering me.

How do you know he's incandescent?

Eughh, I empathise OP.

My idiot boss has been totally negligent in dealing with it too, when I first disclosed things too her, she said “Oh, well I know for a fact that he has a girlfriend now, so perhaps it will settle down”.

It didn’t, he relentlessly persists.

Such a weird situation...

You mention "stressful personal life due to a family member's ill health"

Could this be in any way linked / effecting your perception?

My mil thought everyone was chatting her up when fil was terminally ill. I was present at one of the "unsolicited passes" she received. It was someone making normal polite chit chat during a transaction. I was 🥴 at her retelling of the event. Grief and stress do weird things...
It may well not be this though...

Separately I also can't quite connect your interpretation and their behaviour. It sounds like this guy just really doesn't like you Vs secretly liking you. A lot of the behaviour he is displaying just reads like you boil his piss just by existing rather than he's into you and jealous of others.

Not saying he 100% isn't harbouring some weird feelings because there's clearly nuance but is there another explanation?
it feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing.

Are you sure he isn’t short sighted or something? I had a friend who when we first met thought I hated her. I was just too vain to wear my glasses and couldn’t see her.

He may be a bit wary if you have been asking him what you have done to offend him. Maybe he just has a resting bitch face. My youngest does and is always being asked what’s up when he’s perfectly happy. There isn’t much evidence in your OP - it’s just your interpretation of his looks & facial expressions.

I can’t believe all the people who want to give this man the benefit of the doubt when he’s clearly behaving inappropriately, one way or another.

It’s not clear though is it. He’s ‘glared’ (which can open to interpretation) & he may or may not have brushed against the OP. And the OP isn’t sure whether anything is the issue.

@BelindaOkra there are other things though like doing an unscheduled Teams call after work to 'chat' (nothing to do with work) which I quickly shut down and said I had to go to sort the kid's tea (he commented that I should probably put my camera on). But this can be explained away as 'just being friendly' -do you all see what I mean by I'm not sure what to think, just that it makes me really uncomfortable?

I think you should probably trust your instincts, if you feel something is off about his behaviours towards you then you are probably right.

Good idea to confide in a trustworthy female colleague.

I have an update. So this colleague started turning up the inappropriate behaviour a notch and one day I was really distressed after an interaction with them.

One senior manager noticed and I suspect started doing investigations. I think they recorded this colleague's Teams call as the last one I had with them they were saying (not to be outing) the sorts of things an abuser would say when trying to pacify you and you can tell that I'm really scared on the call.

The reason I think this is since that call, the senior manager who I think was suspicious has looked like they are about to burst into tears when they talk to me (I can't explain it but I think they know).

I have a new issue in that I'm now worried if HR take action. Because of my family member's illness I really can't take on any more stress and and have been applying to other roles as am desperate to leave. If HR ask me to write what happened, can I just refuse? I just want to leave ASAP and forget this nightmare happened.😥

Hello OP @WorkMess I've just been trying to make sense of your thread but some parts are confusing which I understand may be due to the situation.

You mention another call with this colleague and him saying things to pacify you? What was he trying to pacify?

Also you mention you believe someone has recorded the call and now looks like they want to cry when they see you? Has something happened?

In my opinion if a senior manager believed something so bad had happened that it made them want to cry, they'd certainly raise it with the "victim". Have they said anything to you?

Hi @hairbearbaby , no as I haven't been in the office since but I am expecting something to be raised next time I go in which is why I'm anxious about it (I.e. just want to leave quietly).

I can't go into details but that senior colleague was trying to pressurise me into entering into a relationship with them and then Teams called me at home after I became distressed at work. This is where they were trying to 'smooth' over their earlier behaviour. I believe this is the call that may have been monitored.

Seems like an absolutey bizarre situation to be happening. Speak to your line manager or HR to resolve if what you have said has taken place is factual.

How did they try to pressurise you into a relationship? Is this the person in your first post? ✉️

Are you okay? This was not an easy read, I can imagine how stressful this has been for you.

It's sexual harassment and whilst you might not want to report it officially, you'd be a fool not to. You need references for any new job. You need protections so you aren't left alone with this man.
Should it come to unfair dismissal/tribunal, you'll need a paper trail.
Are you close to an interview yet?
Who is your referee?
I assume you are currently signed off or WFH but at some point, you'll need to be in the office. Start getting your ducks in a row.

Sorry, but I really don’t think Teams calls can be monitored like this?

I don't think works Teams calls are routinely monitored. how could they be?

Teams calls can be monitored according to Google

Hi OP,
If there are any further teams calls I would record them yourself e.g. using the video function of your mobile phone. Even if it is just the sound it records.

Exactly this.

also write a list with dates and times of things if you can can.

you can’t leave this. Hope you’re ok x