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Original poster

Toxic workplace has left me questioning everything

19 replies

Aliciainwunderland · 08/12/2023 14:51

Prior to DS 3, I had an amazing leadership role in a tech company. I had been with the company for 11 years working my way up from an admin role to Director. There was a lot of stress and the travel could be hard but ultimately I loved it. DS was a Covid baby and I was made redundant 5 months into my maternity leave.

After some more time off I took a job in a school and much lower salary and level. I had thought, mistakenly, that taking a lower level job would mean less stress but quickly realised that it was a full time role paid at part time hours - can’t get everything done and the stress and anxiety was not worth the money. I have handed my notice in and leaving in January but things with my boss have become pretty toxic and my anxiety remains through the roof. Today I think I’m heading towards rock bottom, don’t want to leave the house. Find myself shaking etc. I know it will be better in January when I leave.

It has also left me with no confidence. In 3 years I have gone from a Director in an international tech company to thinking maybe I should take a cleaning job.

has anyone else faced this? How did you over come it?

OP posts:

Neriah · 08/12/2023 15:22

I haven't faced this, but couldn't read and run.

Please go to the GP and tell them what you have said here. Get signed off until the end of your notice period. No job is worth this amount of distress.

You are still the same person that you were, but you may need some help to convince yourself of that. All the skills you had a still there, and whilst I wouldn't ever wish to denigrate cleaners and jobs in schools, you are much more likley to recognise s**t when you see it and realise that this is a mistake that you can rectify. Lots of people have no other choices - you do, and you can exercise them by putting your skills to better and more appropriate use.

You have a child, not an anchor, and many people with children still do amazingly complex and skilled roles. And as you have discovered, it's often as bad at the "bottom" as it is at the "top" - but the pay is better at the top!

Original poster

Aliciainwunderland · 08/12/2023 15:49

Thank you. I know I have been tempted to get signed off but as it’s a school i would feel guilty in taking money away from children’s education. I may try and get signed off but ask to take it unpaid. I know the end is in sight… I can see it. I just can’t help feeling like an absolute failure

OP posts:

Turkeyhen · 08/12/2023 15:59

You are not a failure! You’re still the person you were before. Think what you’ve been through: becoming a mother in a pandemic; being made redundant; taking on a new role that turns out to be not what you want. So much change and stress in just a few short years. Your confidence has been knocked - you tried something different and it hasn’t worked out as well as you hoped. Not a failure and not your fault.

You sound like you’re experiencing extreme stress and anxiety, so please put your wellbeing first and seek some support for this. There’s no shame in it and you are emphatically not a failure. Your workplace should support your wellbeing but it sounds like that’s not happening here. Did your relationship with your boss deteriorate when you decided to leave or was it always like this?

Floopani · 08/12/2023 16:11

Do not ask for it to be unpaid! If you are unwell, and it sounds like you are, then this is part of your employment contract. I say this kindly, but it might not sound like it- stop being so bloody nice!

You are not a failure at all, maybe this job is just not for you, perhaps your boss is the biggest arsehole invented, likely you have just been through a lot in the last few years and it's caught up with you.

AlisonDonut · 08/12/2023 16:14

You are not a failure, working in teaching is a fucking nightmare.

Give yourself a break when you leave, and take time to look for a job that you will really enjoy again.

Octavia64 · 08/12/2023 16:17

Schools can be extremely toxic workplaces and even when not are high stress and high workload environments.

You sound ill. You should not be this anxious.

Seriously, get signed off before it gets really bad.

(I didn't and I had a complete breakdown)

youveturnedupwelldone · 08/12/2023 16:33

You're not a failure at all, you're a stressed person who is in the middle of having a really bad experience at work. Get yourself signed off, you're not taking money from a child's education that isn't how it works. Look after yourself and minimise the damage as much as you can by removing yourself from the situation earlier than the end of your notice period.

I have been in a similar situation - I found that time heals, and I found joining a new workplace where they are nice really helped me get perspective that I wasn't the problem, it was them. I went from a job where I was bullied, harassed and vilified for quite a long time to one where exactly the same things the last lot didn't like about me are the things that are making me a valued member of the team.

But - for the mean time consider it like you've broken your arm, you need to give yourself some time to heal.

ElAmerico · 08/12/2023 16:44

I agree, you are probably too nice and consciencious for the role. They absolutely wring you dry knowing how many mums are desparate for term time only jobs.
No job is worth your health, your DC would love to see you relaxed and happy.
You are talented and bright as your achievements show, it's this job it's not you. Take time to rest and plan your next move which could be anything from self employment to retraining. However if you really want you could try another school, i dont know if it exists but temp admin at schools?
You mentioned cleaning, you wouldn't be the first woman I hear of who switched to cleaning because she bad enough with stress of people and wanted the flexibility. Id take time out and regroup if you could afford it otheewise temping so you experience a variety of places.

Original poster

Aliciainwunderland · 09/12/2023 09:57

Thank you for your messages. I read them and cried. Thank you for your supportive words - I am going to look into getting sign off from my gp. I know I have to put my family first

OP posts:

WGACA · 09/12/2023 10:00

Schools can be pretty toxic workplaces in my experience. Put yourself first and get signed off until your notice period expires. Do not spend another day there. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Any impact on the children is on them.

Chardonnay73 · 09/12/2023 10:02

OP I was in a similar situation to you this week. I was luckily able to return to my old job and honestly, the relief I feel has made me feel like a new woman. When I walked out of there I felt like I had got my life back. Life is too short to be so unhappy over a job. Get signed off. Your health is the most important thing. They will cope without you. You are not letting anyone down. Put yourself first. I promise you will instantly feel better. Let us know how it goes.

hannahbanana2007 · 09/12/2023 10:10

I just wanted to say I can relate to your comment about losing confidence. I recently gave up a senior role I'd worked towards for most of my career due to horrifically toxic workplace and bullying which seriously affected me. Best piece of advice I had was just to be kind to myself and give myself time to get past it before pushing myself too hard. I had zero confidence for the first few months but as you come out of the stress and anxiety you'll hopefully start to feel like yourself again. Just take it easy and as others have said speak to your GP if you need

Turkeyhen · 09/12/2023 10:11

Good luck and I hope you’re feeling better soon OP x

Original poster

Aliciainwunderland · 09/12/2023 10:59

Thank you. You all have been just what I needed. I have spoken to a couple of friends and my husband and they have been supportive but sometimes you need to write it down to really get things off your chest.

OP posts:

FrippEnos · 09/12/2023 11:30

get yourself signed off and take it paid.

It is the job and the people there that have done this to you and you owe them nothing

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 12/04/2024 23:14

Would love to know how you got on. That’s a depressing situation would not be quick to turn on yourself and call yourself depressed. Can you get back to tech? Any job and cream rises to the top..

Original poster

Aliciainwunderland · 13/04/2024 10:21

That’s really kind of you to ask! So I left my job after Christmas when I had worked out my notice. It was day by day and knowing an end was in sight kept me going. After I left there was a lot of relief but it did make me realise that I had assumed that I would just be suddenly fine again but of course i wasn’t. My ex boss text me the day after I left asking a question and I replied but knowing that she could contact me at anytime left me a bit paranoid. I would say it took me about a month to unwind to the point of not being in burn out. I have been lucky that DHs job is able to support us and that I have been able to go back to a part time job I was doing previously. I also have a temporary role over May/June and last week I had a job interview back in my previous industry which was a nice confidence boost! I probably won’t get the job (it’s a salesy role and I was more technical) but a good reminder that there are good, local companies in that industry to focus my search on.

all and all… I’m glad to be moving on. Sometime I feel resentful that I wasted a year of my life but I know I can’t think like that. Need to chalk up the experience and learn the lesson!

one thing I am annoyed at myself for is that I didn’t push harder for an exit interview. I asked multiple times but was fobbed off as the team was busy - which I totally get they were very busy at the time, but should have been followed up! I also asked for an occupational health referral and they never got round to it before I left. I think when I’m up for it I might email HR and mention this (they still owe me some payslips anyway)

OP posts:

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 14/04/2024 00:22

Glad it’s coming together. Well done disentangling yourself from that awful place. Onwards and upwards, wiser! All the best 🙂

Chewbacalava · 14/04/2024 09:36

I have worked across various sectors and departments- Education is by far the worst in relation to toxicity, bullying, and unachievable objectives.
You did well to finish your contract, but I suggest you now block your ex-boss from contacting you, and focus on your recovery. IME all they want from an exit interview is fobs and passwords, if they actually cared about staff you wouldn’t have left.

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