Colleagues do not like me

[Cockapoo1211]

I have been doing the same job for a few years . It’s an office role. We have a small office and a few new starters. There was some confusion regarding the lay out of the office. It was thought I was going to move seat to the worst seat in the office, to accommodate new starters . This was superseded by my manager so I have stayed in my original place .

I walked into work a few days later and my colleagues were mocking me about my seat . I have been told one of the managers wanted me moved as I’m not liked / not important in the office . They had all been gossiping that I should have just moved to let the new people sit together . New people not happy with me either.

I have realised I am just not respected or liked. I took a meeting to cover my manager and was laughed at by two new people .

My manager seems to have some underlying awareness of the behaviour of some individuals, but I don’t speak much to them ( the manager ).

I work really hard and have always had some
friends at work , now I feel really isolated . It’s a stressful job and the co workers do make a difference .

I am looking for a new job , but any tips on how to cope when you are not liked? There isn’t a particular back story to this, my manager says I am well liked etc but since this ,things have gone down hill and I don’t feel good . Other comments have been made to me but I’ve tried to ignore . I asked a colleague whether I was being paranoid about people mocking me and they confirmed I was not .

My first question is how long have you been there? I've been in this situation before and I found just getting on with the job has always worked. At the end of the day, who cares if they do or don't like you? Being respected is more important.

@Dogknowsbest Thanks , have been there 3 years now .

But if they are mocking her they clearly don't respect her.

You could throw snarky retorts at them every time, but I think if it's this many people, you need to raise a formal grievance with HR. Document every time and who said what in a log and send it with your grievance.

If you have been there 3 years, it's not a great idea for new starters to be creating a negative environment. You have full employment rights and they won't.

I'd raise it with manager as at the end of the day this is group bullying.

Wanted to give you some virtual support OP.
Toxic.
Hopefully they will turn on each other soon.

Be firm.
Take the high ground, you have it.
They are the ones jeopardising their jobs.

It is hard because we can start to doubt ourselves. Don't!

Start logging everything as pp said.
Take control of the situation.

I’d write down the bad behaviours. Remain professional, do a good job. You know your job etc. sounds ridiculous people being funny about seating arrangements and their behaviours are unprofesisknal: keep that in your mind and keep an eye out for other jobs. Good luck x

My response in situations like this is to act the opposite of them. Be extremely nice, always smile and give compliments, if they say or do something rude act very flattered and say thank you. Not in a childish way, but like an example of how an adult should act. It makes them feel stupid, self conscious and neutralizes the bad vibe in the room. Maybe you could find a way that suits your personality and works for you. It has always made me feel better and has always made the nastiness cease. I was once a manager and my work ethic was pretty brutal, I follow rules and have high expectations (I was younger, I'm more relaxed now) but that earned me the title of "The Bitch" by a group that didn't like working or following rules. The group that did like me told me about the nickname and I just laughed and rolled with it. It was discouraging because I was under a lot of pressure and just trying to do my best. But I carried on the same and showed them it didn't bother me and eventually they realized they couldn't get to me and the negativity just turned into joking around. They were still very lazy and didn't like my style but the negativity was gone. I did leave the moment I found another job though!

Our place has a weird dynamic a bit like this. There are some strong personalities, a clique and two sparring bosses. I deal with this with extremely firm boundaries and being very polite. It helps that I'm not emotionally invested in the job; I am there to do it and be remunerated and then leave to go back to my own life. The group picking at you will find something else to bitch about next week, the key is to not be involved in any of this rubbish.

I’d be reporting this to your manager and keep a log of examples. Would mediation help do you think? If they don’t amend their behaviour after being told how it’s making you feel I’d be raising a grievance for bullying

This sounds like a horribly toxic, petty environment op. So sorry you are having to endure it! It sounds like very poor management to me as the atmosphere of the office is usually set by those at the very top.

If the message coming across is that one manager doesn’t like you, then it sounds like you may be the victim of a dispute between managers, which is very unprofessional.

Log, record, keep doing your job well and it will either blow up and someone above you will leave, or everyone will settle down and it will be blow over, especially if you can show them that you do not care.

You may have to be assertive and brusquely professional though, as once petty bullying like this starts, and isn’t dealt with on the spot , or is actually encouraged by management, people can be like packs of hyenas who do not back down until you show your teeth, in a professional , calm manner of course!

If someone does leave, and you find yourself isolated and on the wrong team,be prepared to start applying for new posts. You are in a good position to leave after three years.

Another way of dealing with nasty groups of bullies is to gather in a few allies on an individual basis and get them on side one by one. Your office may not be big enough, but there are usually one or two on the sidelines of the main group who dislike what is going on but are too afraid to speak up. Never attempt getting them on side in a group setting. If there is one person there whom you think you can trust, invite them out for a casual coffee outside of work. We all need one ally.

Lastly, I do not mean this in an unkind way, but try and be honest with yourself and assess whether you have given cause for any of the newbies to be antagonistic towards you. You probably haven’t but sometimes our words can be misinterpreted or our actions misunderstood because we haven’t communicated well.

This is very unlikely to be about office chairs. More likely that the influx of newbies have caused an upset in the hierarchy or “politics of the herd” and everyone is now jostling for a new position. Make sure you fight for your own spot!

Good luck tomorrow op 💪

It's a very first line of her post!

took a meeting to cover my manager and was laughed at by two new people

They are pretty stupid. They have no rights at all; you do.

I'd document every rude comment and so on and send them to HR. It's totally unacceptable for people to be acting this way.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I've been on the receiving end of bullying - a lot in school, and occasionally in the workplace. There's no excuse for this. Do you work for a reasonably large company? When this happened to me, I looked up the definition of bullying and harassment in the workplace and was quite shocked but validated by what I read. I was then confident in taking my concerns to the top management, using the words "bullying and harassment". Luckily where I worked was the public sector where they had an official zero tolerance policy; the person was spoken to and it stopped.

I've also worked in toxic workplaces that were smaller companies. In both scenarios I ended up leaving because the toxicity was at every level; there wasn't anyone to address it to!

Regardless of this, definitely make a note of everything that occurs. I'm sure you can find something where you'll be happy.

As for coping emotionally...I find the exchanges you describe to be a bit odd; can you elaborate on what was said? Why don't they like you? It's such a weird thing to suddenly happen/for them to announce this. What is the background? I feel like more info is needed to answer this.

I've experienced bullying and exclusion. The bullying was by one individual. I printed out a copy of the bullying and harassment policy and left it prominently on my desk for her to see. Bullying ceased overnight. She still loathed me but it was a simmering loathing with no outlet ie more damaging to her than me. The exclusion was along the lines of not being invited to social events or made aware of events in the office eg Christmas jumper day. Didn't mind that because I didn't want to spend my precious time with them. Pp is right there are always a couple/few on the periphery who are ñot as bitchy. If you want you could approach them. Good luck 🤞

What I find odd/disappointing is how sheep like people are. There is a clique in my office - I am not in it. I am not liked, and I am aware that when I speak the clique is hyper vigilant, probably to pull it apart later in a private discussion. I have become quieter and quieter and I kick myself that I have allowed my personality to change at work because of them. But I have rationalised it as, my job pays well and I don't need to be liked. I do my work and real life starts at clocking off time.

But when new starters join it always follows the same pattern - I am friendly towards them in a professional way, they are friendly back. They then get friendly with the clique and to fit in, they then start to behave just like them towards me. This happens in 90 per cent of occasions. I am only amazed now when the 10 per cent don't join in.

The 10 per centers have all been men in their 20s. They just get on with me and the work. There is no romantic interest between us, I am older, it is just they seem more their own people and not interested in behaving like school kids in the workplace.

People who behaved liked dicks at school very often take those attitudes with them to work. In school the gang leader always had their toadies, the same is true in the workplace.

It is both fascinating and tedious.

In OPs case, I would start documenting. The outright disrespect shown by the newbies needs shutting down immediately. Is there a range of ages in the office?

@AzureBlue99 I agree it is fascinating and tedious. Mostly because some human beings don't evolve beyond adolescence. It still blows my mind just how much the workplace is not so different from being at school, a lot of the time.

@Firefly2009 - it makes me realise how easy it is for things like the Nazis to get established. I know that sounds OTT but it is the sheep angle, the trying to fit in by behaving in the same way as the main group, even if it doesn't sit well with their own values. All this shit wouldn't happen if we had our own offices. Doesn't have to be a big space, but literally somewhere you can just get on with your work with people looking for the opportunity to gossip and demean.

Without people, not with!

@AzureBlue99 interesting point regarding men in the workplace not participating in the bullying/ exclusion to anywhere near the same degree as women.

My experience was very similar though the outliers were neither exclusively young nor junior in status.

Unfortunately I've encountered cliques at work my whole life - and I've changed quite a few jobs! I am hardworking and friendly but that doesn't seem to do me any favours.