Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Dreading return to work with negative manager

27 replies

BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 16:19

Has anyone got advice for coping with unsupportive manager after coming back from Mat leave?

I work with entirely men in a male dominated field. I actually love the day to day problem solving of my work and have missed it during Mat leave. I went in for a catch up the other day and manager spent the whole time talking about some mistakes at work and basically said they were my fault and that my (male) coworker is so much better than me at my job (I used to manage this guy before I went on leave so this is quite hurtful contextually as I am a lot more experienced than him). This was obviously pre baby so I’m really fearful about going back now sleep deprived and making more errors.

From my perspective the errors have come about due to terrible work flow and management issues, aka it’s my name on the work but we should collectively own the mistakes as a team. To give an example, he didn’t forward me an updated document he received and then my work was based on the older version.

This has now caused problems and he blames me for this because I didn’t check whether there was a new version. However I was already working on a different project during this time frame and i would’ve expected my manager to communicate to me that a new version had been received and to programme in time for me to do the update. If I spent ages checking in on all my finished projects for updates on the basis there might be one I’d waste a lot of time.

I’m struggling to see his perspective on this, surely it’s more efficient for the person who received the updated information to communicate it to the relevant bodies?

That’s just one example to give an idea, I’m not perfect by any means. This is my main problem although generally speaking his attitude has been bad in other ways, he alluded to not promoting me in the past because he was fearful I would go on maternity leave (2 years before I even started ttc) and he is trying to get the company to pay for the annual leave I’ve accrued instead of letting me take it to return in a phased way. I’m not sure if he can force this or not, I spoke to acas and they did not seem sure as they said companies can be quite forceful about annual leave.

The company is brilliant and benefits/pay are really good so I don’t want to leave and I can’t really afford to do so. My other colleagues are lovely. I’m just not very thick skinned and find it really hard to be spoken to like I’m a massive idiot all the time. My husband thinks it’s a self esteem problem. Manager has treated my whole maternity leave like it’s some sort of sabbatical just for fun and that I should be grateful for it.

But I’m just really freaking out because I wasn’t coping well with this before I had my baby and now I’ve been off for a year I’m frightened to return. I’m obviously going to be rusty and it’s going to play into this idea he has about me that I’m useless. I really wish I worked somewhere with a supportive management team. Anyone got any advice they can offer on dealing with this kind of environment? I am making longer term moves to leave but it’s not feasible right now for various boring reasons. Baby is still waking 2-3x a night at 10 months and I have to return FT.

(Not that it’s the point of the post but I’ve tried sleep training and it didn’t work for us!)

OP posts:
Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:24

when were these mistakes?!

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:25

aka it’s my name on the work but we should collectively own the mistakes as a team

not if you were the owner

then it’s your responsibility to ensure that correct

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 16:25

Around 2021 time, due to the nature of the work it can take a while for issues to come to fruition. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:26

because talking a jot mistakes you made from before you took maternity is unusual.

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 16:27

Ok thank you for your perspective, so I’m clear, the mistake was that the work did not include updated information I had no knowledge of. So in your line of work would I be expected to continually ask around if any updated information had come in? Bearing in mind my manager was aware and did not communicate?

OP posts:
Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:28

this sounds like you need an objective third party colleague to determine who was in the wrong

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:28

BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 16:27

Ok thank you for your perspective, so I’m clear, the mistake was that the work did not include updated information I had no knowledge of. So in your line of work would I be expected to continually ask around if any updated information had come in? Bearing in mind my manager was aware and did not communicate?

You said that was one of the mistakes

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:30

* So in your line of work would I be expected to continually ask around if any updated information had come in? Bearing in mind my manager was aware and did not communicate?*

a very fast moving project that was constantly evolving? absolutely yes

So only he receives updated docs?

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 16:34

Yes he is the contact, I do not liaise directly thought I have asked to time and time again. I am a bit surprised, I wonder if I worded my OP poorly as you seem to be getting the impression I am incompetent. Obviously that’s fine you don’t know me and you can’t know either way but I certainly do not think this is the case. My manager’s boss rates me very highly and has put me forward for various company awards, and he went over my managers head to promote me. Again these are just examples. Anything else I can add to clarify, would you be able to give me any advice?

OP posts:
Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:45

No i am afraid i don’t have advice because you mention other mistakes and i don’t know the detail of this one.

So perhaps someone else will come along and do better than me!

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:47

all i know is that if i am the owner of the document

i make damn sure all content is up to date before submission

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 16:48

* aka it’s my name on the work but we should collectively own the mistakes as a team. *

that isn’t how i operate. i am responsible for the work of my team. the buck stops with me

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 16:54

Thank you for your replies, I see your perspective. I think perhaps it is a very different line of work. I imagine it is frustrating that I am being vague but I don’t think what you are requesting is relevant. I was looking for more generic advice for dealing with a manager who is clearly filtering for the negative in everything an employee is doing. Of course I could take this specific interaction to his boss who would probably back me up knowing the details but what would be the point? It would just further sour mine and my managers relationship. I am looking to try and improve things with him or failing that, cope with the negativity.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 29/11/2023 16:59

If he starts throwing mistakes in your face, you need to be objective and calm. Trace the mistake back to source - why did it happen? Poor communication, lack of resources? In the case of the updated information that he didn't forward - you need to ask for clarity around this. Ask him whose responsibility it is to disseminate this kind of information, especially if he is the only point of contact. Suggest that in order to prevent this happening again, that you are also a point of contact and point out that you have requested this repeatedly in the past to avoid exactly this kind of situation. If he refuses then you will just have to make sure you are continually checking you are using the latest information, but at least you will have identified the weak link and suggested a remedy - which he has rejected.

In other words if you are confident that you are not at fault but being blamed unfairly, then push back - but with facts - keep a paper trail - forward him the emails where you have asked to be a contact for this information and he has refused. Ask him how he thinks this can be prevented in the future - put the ball back in his court.

Snowpake · 29/11/2023 17:05

Confused as to why these responses are fixating on your ‘mistake’, when clearly the issue is that your boss is an arsehole, and a misogynistic one to boot.

Do you have a union? Are your colleagues supportive? Start logging everything now. Do not let his criticisms affect you personally. build allies on other teams if necessary and keep looking for a sideways move in the same company or another job.

His attitude to women in the workplace is outdated at best and illegal at worst, although that doesn’t necessarily help you in the moment. It is difficult enough to return to work after mat leave, let alone with one of these area holes managing you.

Do NOT let this man damage your confidence or stop you returning to your career

GFB · 29/11/2023 17:08

Your manager sounds awful. Im on mat leave and I felt nervous having a keeping in touch day when I have a very supportive team so it must have been really hard to meet with your manager and him spend the whole time focusing on mistakes.

In terms of advice, agree that asking him what he thinks you should have done differently and how it can be prevented in the future.
Longer term, as the company pay and benefits are good could you look for an internal move to another team? You day your managers boss is speaks highly of you so you could have a catch up with him when you return and ask if he knows of any internal potential internal moves.

Good luck!

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 17:12

Snowpake · 29/11/2023 17:05

Confused as to why these responses are fixating on your ‘mistake’, when clearly the issue is that your boss is an arsehole, and a misogynistic one to boot.

Do you have a union? Are your colleagues supportive? Start logging everything now. Do not let his criticisms affect you personally. build allies on other teams if necessary and keep looking for a sideways move in the same company or another job.

His attitude to women in the workplace is outdated at best and illegal at worst, although that doesn’t necessarily help you in the moment. It is difficult enough to return to work after mat leave, let alone with one of these area holes managing you.

Do NOT let this man damage your confidence or stop you returning to your career

Confused as to why these responses are fixating on your ‘mistake’,

because 80% of the OP is about this and other mistakes

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 17:13

Snowpake · 29/11/2023 17:05

Confused as to why these responses are fixating on your ‘mistake’, when clearly the issue is that your boss is an arsehole, and a misogynistic one to boot.

Do you have a union? Are your colleagues supportive? Start logging everything now. Do not let his criticisms affect you personally. build allies on other teams if necessary and keep looking for a sideways move in the same company or another job.

His attitude to women in the workplace is outdated at best and illegal at worst, although that doesn’t necessarily help you in the moment. It is difficult enough to return to work after mat leave, let alone with one of these area holes managing you.

Do NOT let this man damage your confidence or stop you returning to your career

Thank you I appreciate this. Unfortunately no Union in my line of work I would love to be in one. He is definitely bordering on misogynist and you’re dead on the money when you say it’s wrecking my confidence. It’s so frustrating when you work really hard with someone to try and get them on your side and nothing you ever do is good enough for them. I could write pages about how I’ve done unpaid overtime, called in favours with friends at work to help out, etc to get him out of tight spots when he needed. I really wish I’d worded my post differently as people are clearly thinking I’m some useless idiot who is causing my manager a headache but I really don’t think this is the case at all.

I am logging everything, mostly the more blatant stuff like when he said he didn’t want me to be a mentor because I’d “be off on maternity any day now” (wasn’t pregnant and wasn’t ttc, he just said this because I had got married) but what good will it do? I want to keep my job and I can’t see how to use that info with that in mind?

OP posts:
Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 17:18

Geneve82 · 29/11/2023 17:12

Confused as to why these responses are fixating on your ‘mistake’,

because 80% of the OP is about this and other mistakes

Show quote history

Sorry I’m a new poster and I just thought it would shed light on my situation. I thought it was a clear example of how I’m being scapegoated and set up to fail. I appreciate reading back that it is very bulky and perhaps not required, perhaps given it’s an anonymous forum I could have just written “my manager finds any opportunity to scapegoat me at work” and trust that people would believe me on it rather than trying to flesh out with an example! I do appreciate your responses all the same as it will help me word things better in the future

OP posts:
Snowpake · 29/11/2023 17:20

i think it’s just one poster who’s got the wrong end of the stick op - I think your post is really clear and sadly this is not a very unusual situation for women at work at a certain stage in life

In my experience, working after you’ve had a baby is different to working beforehand. You obviously can’t do unpaid overtime, and you have to be confident in your ability to deliver at work so that you can concentrate on your child when you leave.

logging everything might help you feel like you can get some distance and be in control of the situation. Also, If he does try to raise performance issues then you will be well prepared.

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 17:22

GFB · 29/11/2023 17:08

Your manager sounds awful. Im on mat leave and I felt nervous having a keeping in touch day when I have a very supportive team so it must have been really hard to meet with your manager and him spend the whole time focusing on mistakes.

In terms of advice, agree that asking him what he thinks you should have done differently and how it can be prevented in the future.
Longer term, as the company pay and benefits are good could you look for an internal move to another team? You day your managers boss is speaks highly of you so you could have a catch up with him when you return and ask if he knows of any internal potential internal moves.

Good luck!

Thank you this is a really good idea, I had not considered an internal move as I am quite siloed and niche. However my partner has been promoted recently so perhaps I could afford a pay cut to get away from my manager whilst still keeping my years of service etc… Really worth looking into thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 17:24

Snowpake · 29/11/2023 17:20

i think it’s just one poster who’s got the wrong end of the stick op - I think your post is really clear and sadly this is not a very unusual situation for women at work at a certain stage in life

In my experience, working after you’ve had a baby is different to working beforehand. You obviously can’t do unpaid overtime, and you have to be confident in your ability to deliver at work so that you can concentrate on your child when you leave.

logging everything might help you feel like you can get some distance and be in control of the situation. Also, If he does try to raise performance issues then you will be well prepared.

Thank you I think it is 90% a confidence thing. I think I need to go back with my head high and trust I can do a good job and just let his negativity wash over me. It’s really nice for me to read your message, even a small thing like that makes me remember that not everyone will read the situation the same way he does. I agree no more unpaid overtime especially as it’s not like he appreciates it from me and my baby is so much more important!!

OP posts:
namechange7479 · 29/11/2023 17:25

Glad you are logging everything OP. Sorry you have an awful manager by the sounds of it. I would recommend looking up pregnant then screwed on social media. They have help lines for women who are discriminated against and feel like they are being pushed out of their job. Obviously hope that's not the case for you but I think they might give you good advice.

Reachforthestars00 · 29/11/2023 17:28

It's unfortunately quite common for womens' confidence in the workplace to plummet at key stages in their lives (early career, maternity, menopause). Have you considered a coach or mentor to help you work through your feelings and develop coping strategies? I attended an excellent womens development course at work, but the external consultant who delivered the course also worked privately with clients.

Original poster
BurritoTamer · 29/11/2023 17:28

namechange7479 · 29/11/2023 17:25

Glad you are logging everything OP. Sorry you have an awful manager by the sounds of it. I would recommend looking up pregnant then screwed on social media. They have help lines for women who are discriminated against and feel like they are being pushed out of their job. Obviously hope that's not the case for you but I think they might give you good advice.

Thanks I will look into that. My fear is that he’s trying to use my “uselessness” to demote me back down to my pre promotion level. It might be a bit unfounded but his boss is retiring soon so I can’t keep using that positive relationship in the future

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread