Weirdness with colleague...

[deliwoman1]

Hi everyone! Had a bit of a weird one with a colleague the other day so I'd just like others thoughts...

Me and this guy work closely together. We're about the same age and we do have a lot in common so we've become friends. We occasionally see each other outside of work, but as part of a group. The other day we were chatting in the office, and he starts up about the lack of gossip at our organisation. So, he proposes we play that game, 'marry, fuck, kill.'

Now I know it's stupid/unprofessional of me, and I shouldn't have joined in, but as I say, we're friends and he kinda ambushed me with it, so I give my answers first (as benign as possible). As soon as I've done it though, I sense he's going to say he'd fuck me. He does. I act vaguely flattered, blow it off, and the conversation moves on, but it's not the first time I've caught a vibe. On reflection it feels like he set that whole conversation up just to give me that info, but I can't tell if I'm just being paranoid. What do you think? Dumb bloke not thinking before he speaks, or a guy trying to let me know he sort of fancies me??

I know the whole stupid game counts as workplace sexual harassment btw, but as I said, we're mates and I can hold my own, so I don't feel in the least bit harassed. Honestly I think he might be going through some stuff in his private life, so my plan is to ignore any signs of a crush if they pop up. But is this the best way to go about it? Should I say something else to him? I'm also thinking about our friendship outside of work.

I'm not about to report the guy to HR or anything - he 100% does not mean any harm, and couldn't be of any harm to me professionally as I'm technically more senior than him 😂

I think you need to ignore it and keep a polite distance.

I suppose he fancies you enough for the "f" part, but what do you actually want?

I just want to be friends with him and for there to be no weirdness at work. He’s partnered with a small child and so am I. Couldn’t love my guy more, and I’m newly pregnant! It’s just nice to have friends with lots in common re. our professions so I want to protect that somehow.

I guess the pregnancy will put him off once that’s obvious 😂

Your last update says he's married with a child and you're with partner. Based on that his comments are inappropriate and quite disgusting. Has he no respect for his wife or for your relationship with your partner?

Being "mates" doesn't make it more ok. However I dont understand why you'd agree to play this "game" in the first place. Did you feel pressured to go along with it? You obviously don't feel entirely comfortable as you say you got bad vibes so don't ignore that.

I am friendly with most of my colleagues, including males but this type of thing would be way out of line.

Remember, you don't have to jump to reporting him but you can definitely keep some distance. If he starts talking like that again, make sure you slam it down promptly, otherwise it might give him the wrong idea and he will continue. You can be perfectly polite still and say "sorry I'm uncomfortable with this conversation" or "this conversation is turning inappropriate". If he persists after that, you have every right to raise it with your boss or HR.

Sorry, I meant to add
IMO, he clearly fancies you/has some fantasies about you. There's no other reason he'd be starting this type of conversation, and making it a "game" allows him to voice his desires without making an overt proposition.

You need to create a professional distance and shut down the inappropriate chat.

@FallingStar21 thanks. I haven't had 'bad' vibes, just the sense he might have developed a fairly harmless crush at times. But, I'm an old married lady, who's basically invisible these days so I wasn't sure if I was misreading things. He's slightly socially awkward, and a little foot-in-mouth, so there have been less overt moments I've put down to that. I guess not. I genuinely went along with the game out of surprise really, and because I was tired and full of cold and didn't quite have the energy to pivot. It was stupid of me. I think you're right, and I'll keep my distance. Shame, as I do like the guy. I think he's going through something and hope he's okay.

Don't play games like that with colleagues and just overall be more professional.

You opened yourself up to that.

Work isn't about making friends.

He's married with a kid and trying to get it on with you. He sounds like a massive total twat

Op,
Avoid avoid avoid.

This is not a good conversation to have at work. He's not your mate, he's a colleague:

He's a sleeve. Shut down any further conversations that are not work related and keep everything very vanilla from now on.

Playing "fuck, marry, kill" at work is wild

If you're pregnant and love your partner, why are you posting about this male coworker? It comes across like you enjoy the flattery but it's not really appropriate is it

He's got a young child with his partner, you're married with a young child and you're pregnant. I'd say you've both missed the boat for a casual game of Marry Fuck Kill in which one of you tells the other that they'd like to fuck them.

It might be flattering on some level, but don't get caught up in the attention. It's inappropariate, and he's not your friend. I'd keep a long arms distance from here on.

You say that you are "technically" senior to him. You need to grow up and act like a professional in work. You should have known better than to let such behaviour ever happen in work.

Have you told your husband about this conversation?
Didn't think so.
Sounds like an emotional affair to me.

Was he in your answers?

@Nothingbuttheglory me and DP had a chat about it that night. DP thinks he's a daft idiot for doing it, but there's nothing to it and I should just ignore it. He's met him before. Definitely no emotional affair.

@CuboidsAndSpheres I guess I just wanted some perspective on it other than DPs. I don't want it to become a problem. Wasn't sure how to nip it in the bud, but the responses have been useful re. keeping it professional. DP thinks no biggie and I should still be friendly and attend our group outside of work, but everyone here is making me think that's a big no.

@YellowWiggle No.

@Neriah Our workplace really is very informal. But you're right. I shouldn't have played the stupid game and I DID open myself up to that comment from him. Lesson learned.

It’s not an appropriate work convo is it. And yup he could be putting feelers out.

either way probs best to leave that where it is.

I don't know the game but I can imagine. It's a bit late now but when he said F you should have said you'd kill him as he's just raped you.....but the whole thing is pretty daft.
He's possibly let you know he's attracted to you. If you don't feel the same kindly let him now. Go down the childish banter route if that's your MO....euh....cud you imagine me n you 😨be like incest bro...yuk...
He'll get the hint and should drop it.

For me, always try to keep it professional in the work environment, to avoid such games as these