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Is this acceptable?

1 reply

SunnySailor · 25/11/2023 22:15

I belong to a small team in a large organisation and I've been in a particular role for more than a year now (been with the company many many years though). We all work remotely.

In a team meeting last week a junior colleague briefly mentioned she was attending an event on behalf of the manager. It would be normal practice for me to attend but it hasn't been mentioned to me. I wasn't aware it was happening and nothing has been said since. I'm feeling like the manager's hoping I didn't notice what was said. The manager and the colleague have become quite friendly recently and they meet up for one reason or another fairly regularly during the working day despite living quite some way from each other.

The colleague is not happy that I'm in the position as I've not been in the role as long as they have, and they regularly take the opportunity to try to get one over on me and try to make me look less experienced than they are in front of others. They've made a couple of snide comments in private to me about my being in the role but I've laughed it off. They didn't apply when the job was advertised so I'm not sure why they'd have an issue with it. I've only ever been kind to this colleague.

The manager has also asked the colleague to undertake some project work for them which I could quite easily have done but wasn't approached. Another team member expressed their concerns about this but it seems to be going ahead anyway. Other team members are invited to regular 1:1 meetings but I'm not, manager is always busy and will arrange one the following week but it never happens. The manager is always going to send me information I've requested from them too but surprise surprise I never get it and give up asking. I will admit to being quiet and reflective, I've never made a fuss about anything in the many many years I've worked there. I'm very much a team player and work incredibly hard for the organisation but I'm now feeling unappreciated and worthless.

Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive but the overlooking of me for the event feels so humiliating and knowing the colleague as I do, they'll be feeling very smug that I wasn't asked to attend. I'm sure they dropped it into a conversation in the team meeting just so they could let me know. I wouldn't have an issue if the manager had mentioned the meeting to me and said why the colleague was attending instead of me but I feel they didn't actually want me to know. I haven't said anything yet to my manager as I'd rather discuss the issues when face to face (at annual appraisal soon) rather than over Teams.

Am I overthinking it? Reading this back it all seems so trivial but I'm so upset about it all.

OP posts:
Sisterpita · 26/11/2023 17:38

@SunnySailor there is being quiet and reflective and being invisible.

You need to start managing your manager. First put monthly 1:2:1s in your managers diary. If the manager cancels, re-arrange and keep rearranging. Point out in writing that it is x months since you had a 1:2:1 and manager keeps cancelling. Make a joke of it, oh look you have cancelled Novembers 1:2:1 so many times we are now at my Decembers 1:2:1. It makes the point.

At your 1:2:1 have a rough agenda of points you want to cover. Ask “what have I done well”, “how can I develop?”. Clearly state your development needs e.g. X went to y meeting, I would be interested in doing that please may I go to January’s meeting. I was disappointed not to be involved in project A, if anything like that comes up again please consider me. I asked you to send information I know you are busy but I would appreciate you sending it to me.

The really important part is to follow up 1:2:1s with an email bullet pointing discussions and any actions e.g. you agreed to supply information. Keep this along with a timeline of when you are overlooked, actions not completed etc.

Do all of this politely, with a positive attitude and gentle reminders. Remember part of being a good team player is knowing when you need information to fully contribute. Saying in a meeting I didn’t get that information do we need to make sure the circulation list is up to date? Is a way of making a point in a positive way.

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