Senior role, no confidence, nervous wreck

[Breakit]

I’m 40, ambitious and work in the health sector.

I’ve come from poverty - the eldest of a 6 child single parent family. I had to start working at 12 to help out. But I like school - stayed on, was the first in my family to pass GCSEs, then A-levels, then a degree. This gave me a lot of confidence in myself in terms of capability. I now have a doctorate and a great job. I don’t earn tonnes of money, but I’m satisfied I can support my family and have broken that cycle at least.

I worked ever so hard to get this promotion. Day and night for years. I’ve spent my life up to this point managing career and qualifications and only had a baby last year at 39 - my first. The pregnancy has complications and I had to take a bunch of time off before I went in mat leave.

But now I’m back and I feel shot in this senior role because I manage a lot of people - mostly men. They have in the past bypassed me to the next manager. I’m not sure the people who I manage respect me. I know some of them don’t. I’m not sure I’m a great manager.

I’ve gone back to work and I can barely speak in team meetings without my voice shaking. We had a day in the office this week. My manager is leaving and I’m getting another one. A very young member of the team asked me a question and when I hand gestured I started shaking visibly in front of the whole team. Then my voice shook. I was mortified in front of the new boss, because I want to be seen as capable and to take on interesting work for my team. I want to look solid, but feel like I look like a joke. I’m really fat, post pregnancy which doesn’t help with confidence. My confidence is just shot.

After that meeting, my new manager send around a request for all people of my grade to take a leadership course. My name was the first in the recipient line. It’s usually last.

I’m trying to stay on it, but I’m just overwhelmed by responsibility and the management of a team that don’t respect me. I feel out of my depth and don’t feel like I can’t approach my new manager with it, as I don’t want him to know I’m not handling it and able to take on the interesting programmes for my team. Plus he already shows favouritism towards one of the men I manage, by bypassing me and asking him to prepare slides for meetings.

I just don’t know what to do. I can’t step down. I’ve worked too hard.
I don’t know where to start to get myself out of this nervous mindset and back into a confident space. Please help.

Oh this must feel awful. Do you think it's a public speaking thing? Returning from mat leave, you won't have had the practice and it must feel like a culture shock.

I used to feel similar about speaking professionally in front of groups. I make sure I always prepare for meetings (really easy to have notes on teams) I think eventually you'll find yourself dealing with the same situations and saying the same things so those neural pathways will develop!

Getting older helps as you will begin to care a lot less about people's perception.

Kalms also helps. Keep telling yourself how shit hot you are. You've got a doctorate and were state educated. It's a confidence in speaking thing, not a you thing!

Also shift the focus back on them. Whst do you want to learn from them? Are they doing their jobs properly? Peel people off for one to one conversations where the focus on them and you ask them questions (alongside building a relationship)

I wonder if some kind of confidence coach or counsellor might help? I understand, as I have always suffered with a lack of confidence, despite having academic ability. A couple of sessions with a counsellor helped me. Another thing to keep in mind is that literally EVERYONE is winging it. It’s just that a lot of people are good at hiding it behind bravado. Keep telling yourself that you are just as good as them, if not better. Assert yourself in a professional manner, if you can. Good luck with it all.

Can I suggest you separate the issue from your sense of self. What I mean is: you have identified an issue and clearly so has someone above you. This in no way means you are incapable and useless. It means you need some training which they have immediately offered. Training will help you gain the confidence you need, and the skills to lead well.

Why not send a brief, relatively confident-sounding message back, saying: Thank you for this suggestion. I do need to brush up on leadership skills since my return to work. Please can I book in for some training/ be assigned a mentor?

Try not to see issues of respect within your team as universal. Maybe some people don't respect your less effective leadership - nor do you. That doesn't mean they don't respect you as a person or member of the department or knowledgable with a doctorate in your field. Isolate the specific issues and focus on setting them right, rather than extrapolating from them that everything about you is wrong. It clearly isn't. You have come this far. Having a baby does shake you up a lot. you will settle back and rise to meet the challenges as you always have. Anyone who completes a doctorate has a mind of steel as far as I'm concerned.

I Recommend these books:

• rules of people by Richard Templar
• fearless leadership by Richard M Varey

I’m sorry you’re feeling so shit

oh @Breakit your post really spoke to me! I’ve left a senior role because I just felt so shit about myself, and in the course of leaving it became apparent that actually I was doing a really good job. I was really hard to replace! I’ve gone on to other things which have made me happy, but I still kick myself that I just wasn’t able to ask for help when I was in the role.
So, notice if you are holding yourself to an unreasonably high standard (I was). Take up the leadership course. Find a mentor (and yes YOU deserve to have that resource spent on you! It’s totally justified!). You mention managing mostly men, is there a women’s group in your organisation, or an industry wide one? And/or something for people from working class backgrounds? (I know both exist in academia) Make time to join if you possibly can, you need the support of people in the same boat. And you will find out quite quickly that a- you are more competent than you think, and b- everyone else is less competent than you think.
re books- I like Brenee Brown’s Dare To Lead.
You are brilliant. You can do this. It’s hard, but it shouldn’t feel awful.

You don’t want to step down! It’s completely normal to find a new management job tough, and coming back from maternity makes it doubly tough.

If you can afford some coaching that can be really useful. A new job and coming back after mat leave and illness are 3 perfectly acceptable reasons.

One thing that shocked me when I moved into leadership / senior management positions is the fact that your reports will be senior in their own right, and have lots of opinions and contacts, they will go round you if they think they can. I used to do the same. Don’t worry about it - pull them up if it’s really out of order but otherwise it will happen less as you get more experience.

It would be worth seeing if your HR would be up for funding some coaching - it’s a great idea for anyone stepping up. Also can you (formally or informally) identify a mentor or two.

But beyond that see yourself as being in a learning position - do your core job as well as you can and allow yourself to learn the rest.

Also join any women’s organisations in your field

Thank you all SO much for getting back to me with such kind comments and useful suggestions.
I just can’t stop thinking about my voice and hands shaking in the meeting. I just feel so ashamed. So fearful I’ve ruined my rep and credibility. I just keep wondering if I’m
an embarrassment. The cc’ing of us all in the email suggesting leadership felt like my manager acknowledged I was. But all of your comments were SO helpful.

@izzy2076 public speaking is the absolute pits for me. Seriously. I’ve used propranolol in the past just to get through a presentation. I find it terrifying. I joined a toastmasters group, but just haven’t found the time to properly commit. But you’re right it’s a big part. And thanks so much for your kind comments.

@Lovetotravel123 Thank you. I think it is time to revisit counselling or CBT. You’re right I do need to find that inner dialogue where I build myself up. I really do know that everyone is winging it, but tbh, they just look so much more comfortable doing it. I don’t know whether it’s a male thing. Or just a me thing.

Thank you @TotalOverhaul. That suggestion is really helpful. You’re right - I’m giving these issues the profundity of my deepest self rather than just a temporary issue. And that feels much more bite sized to tackle. I do need to give myself time after the baby too. I may have just dived in and I need to stop trying to prove myself. My mind feels like mush rather than steel now, tbh. Thanks for your kind comments.

@Doingmybesteveryday thanks for these recs. I’ve just bought the rules of people today. Fearless Leadership has going out of print, so very expensive at the min, but I’ll keep an eye out - I really appreciate it.

@ScratchedSkirtings thanks so much for the solidarity. And I really feel you too about the high standard and perfectionism. It’s such a mend melt went you’re in it, that you don’t realise your worth. I’m really glad you’ve found something that makes you happy. I’m going to give this a bit of time and see if I feel the same way. I do want to ask for that help but don’t want to seem leds capable my grade peers or even the people I manage. But maybe as @TotalOverhaul said, I don’t need to make a meal of it. Just take the training, improve, move on. I have actually applied for a mentor. You just reminded me I need to email again. I’m going to look up Dare to Lead now. Thanks so much for those kind words.

@theduchessofspork Thanks so much. That’s a really, really good point about those people I manage being senior in their own right. It would be a good move to acknowledge this to them when we speak. Thanks as well for suggesting that I see this as a learning opp. It is a learning position and I need to not feel slighted by that. Thank you.

Thanks again all - this was really helpful 💝

Happy to help! If you don’t mind a second hand copy, under a fiver on eBay
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/295067263526?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=yzX_Fr4wRbq&sssrc=4429486&ssuid=os4pauyqt-6&var=&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY

If your manager has suggested you take a leadership course then presumably they are providing funding and you should take up the opportunity because it could really help. I really recommend Gail Logan who is a leadership coach who specialises in working with women in senior roles to boost their confidence. She does free five-day challenges on Facebook, but also has a range of paid for services. Her website is here: https://www.koretransformation.com

Lots of women struggle with confidence as they work their way hope. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but you should definitely seek help to build your confidence, lead your team effectively and deliver your best work.

For all they know you were poorly / exhausted from baby / just got awful personal news / many other reasons your voice would be shaky - you can create a new narrative for your new boss 'sorry about the other day I had some awful personal news that morning and was really not on my a-game, all fine now'

And of course do the leadership course, reach out to someone you know who has children / seems approachable and could help with a few sessions - am sure they would tell you they have felt exactly how you have felt at some point

And then remind yourself - you are amazing! You really put in the work to build the life and career you wanted when nothing was handed to you, and you'll get all of that back, the fight is clearly strong in you OP

Just to add, I don't know if you BF your baby or when you stopped, but my hormones went absolutely crazy when I weaned. Anxiety went through the roof, and I was shakier (mentally and literally) than I have ever been. It went on for months, and really affected me in situations that I had never been comfortable in like interviews or public speaking. I woke up every morning with dread. In the end, I sobbed to my doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants to deal with the horrific anxiety. My son was 18mo by that point and I was a wreck.

I would never have considered those pills if I hadn't been desperate, but they were a HUGE help. They controlled the worst of the symptoms and gave me time to get back on an even keel.

Just wanted to mention in case it's relevant for you, as you said you only had your baby last year.

Give yourself a chance OP. Imposter syndrome is totally normal and you’re not long back at work. I’ve been in senior roles for a long time now and some have been easier than others. If you’re in the nhs there’s coaching/mentoring through your local leadership academy. I’ve read loads of books and listen to lots of podcasts which have all helped over the years. And find peers working at the same level as you. They’re a lifeline. You got the job on merit. If you don’t know something ask! You’ll be surprised at how many people feel the same in a more senior job but you’ll settle down over time. And you’ll get more relaxed about public speaking the more you do it. Most people are so busy worrying about themselves they won’t notice an occasional wobble in the voice! The leadership course they’ve offered could also be good. Don’t be worried to ask for what you need to do the job well. Hope all goes well!

I would go to the doctor and ask for beta blockers for situational anxiety at work. Once you start taking them at work your confidence will grow because you will be able to cope better with these situations.

On my first ever leadership course we were taught by this amazing guy, semi retired and had been there and see it all.

It was twenty years ago now but i still use his advice.

He taught me 'the attitude ladder'. When we get promoted we want everyone to like us and approve of us and value us. Obviously thats not real life and is our lack of confidence. He said to envisage turning it around just one step at a time. So don't try to get someone who is openly
Hostile to giving you positive feedback. You will drive yourself demented trying-and possibly them. Just try and nudge them along slowly perhaps towards indifference, and then maybe 3 months later they might think 'ah maybe shes ok after all'. I have found this very helpful,
And its help me slow down and be realistic and patient.

This sounds like imposter syndrome to me. I suggest a Google search on that. I don't have time to put more detail right now but you are not alone and feeling this way doesn't reflect your suitability for your role. Good luck op!

Can you take propranolol again on your office days to control any physical symptoms whilst you work on your confidence?

In general, the people you’re managing will want to know that you’ve got their back and will help with their own career development. Have you got regular 121’s with everyone? I always found it easier to build rapport and trust 121 than in a bigger group session. Definitely take any leadership training offered - your company should definitely be providing the support in making sure you have the right training for the job.

Another book for the list would be Turn The Ship Around by L. David Marquet.

Amazon has Fearless Leadership on Kindle if that is any use to you....

I can really emphasise with you. I started new senior role a few months ago in an area I have worked within in the past, but not for a while and not in this particular specific part of the organisation. I work with a fair few people with Doctorates and think that they are amazing so please remember that!

I sit in meetings and a lot of it currently goes over my head and I really stupid and undeserving of the role. However, I suspect most people have no idea that I feel that way! I’m not sure how helpful sharing my experience is, but wanted to tell you that you’re not alone.

I've been thinking about this because I feel similar. I am 46 and in a senior role. My team was previously contractors but is now permanent, senior, experienced, and male (the sector is male-dominated). I believe I am peri-m and my confidence has died - completely. I have to give a 2-minute intro next week at a workshop and feel sick.

I am introspecting too much; dwelling and feeling out of control. This is what I plan to do, and I will focus only on these things for the remainder of the year.

1. Prep for each meeting and ensure I have at least one point to make, or one question to ask - and I will get in there first if I can. I am going to book out time to do this and push back on people trying to utilise my prep time for something else. If I sound nervous - I sound nervous. It's just the way it is and maybe it will pass with practice.

2. I need to provide feedback to team members. One is a similar situation to you about being bypassed. I will do this by stating how pleased I am that they are progressing and running without my input but I feel I do not have sight, and for them to copy me into emails. Then I will tell them why eg it makes me look like I do not know what is going on when asked.

3. This one is harder and I am not sure about it yet, but I will let my manager know about how I am feeling and explain I believe it is because of the peri. This will be hard because he is a mid-30s man. But - he was open about an illness that impacted him. I will also be open to the team about it.

I think if I can do these and then look at a plan for next year maybe I will feel better.