Need to take action on my job! Life decision!

[UnderTheMoonofLove]

Hi,

Looking for a bit of advice and inspiration.

Currently, I am in a dreadful position which is taking its toll on me, emotionally and financially.

Bit of background…

I am a professional within the NHS and have studied etc. for years to progress in my career. I ended up going through menopause a few years ago (I’m now 51) and it caused a whole host of issues and, well, changed me as a person. My marriage had been sexless for a decade and I suddenly realised that I was nothing more than friends with him (and that’s all it had been). I filed for divorce and this has been going on for 3 years now. I also changed jobs at the same time (thinking I was doing the right thing at the time), same grade (B7) but a different, but related field). To say this was a massive mistake would be an understatement. The place is toxic. I don’t like the job (as all I do is sort problems out) and we are now going through a re-structure. I want out, regardless of what happens. I know I need to get back into my own field. Trouble is, there is nothing local. My execution of the financial settlement (husband will get more than me as, well, I’ve given up the fight) has been delayed until we know the outcome of the restructure as I could end up homeless the way things are going!

There are no jobs locally. I have looked for quite some time. I had applied for jobs elsewhere and always get shortlisted but end up withdrawing my application. My reason being is that I have a 15 year old who is due to sit GCSE’s next summer and she also needs to see her father. She also wants to stay on for the 6th form. Her older brother is at university. I have no other family parents and siblings are RIP (that’s hard in itself).

I have applied for another 3 posts - one near the Lake District (which would be ideal for me as I love hiking), another in Nottinghamshire and another in Carlisle. All 3 have called me up for an interview. It would enable me to get back into my own profession. But, this causes problems with my children. My daughter lives with me mostly and only stays with her dad 3 nights every other month. She doesn’t want to live with him. She is planning on university after A-levels. I feel trapped in some ways and horrified I will end up with a lower paid job (which would be difficult, financially), no job or stuck in an awful working environment.

I am hoping one of these places will allow working from home one day a week. All are about 2 hours from home. I’ve thought about buying a caravan and parking it (legally etc.) in the southern lakes! It would enable me to stay there a few nights and come home a few nights. I have to sell the family home once I get the go-ahead.

Can anyone offer any ideas/solutions to my situation? I’m not sleeping well!!!

Working in a toxic environment is tough. I took a pay cut to work somewhere saner for the two remaining years my ds was in a specific school, and took the higher paid, further away job after he had moved.

But it's down to your finances and what will work for you.

That all sounds like very tricky time.

Two quick thoughts from me.

Don't give up on the divorce settlement. Regroup and get what you are owed. I'm sure it's hard, especially against the background of a difficult job (you must be exhausted) but it will put you in a stronger place in the future. Can you think of it as one last push?

And in relation to work, my gut instinct is to put up with it for 3 years for your daughter's sake. The other plans sound like a lot of change and hard work. Would it be 2 hours at rush hour? The M6 can often be busy. That all depends on the toxicity and the emotional toil, but can you reframe it in order to survive for a while and them when DD goes to university you can be much freer?

The problem is, I have already been away from my profession for 3 years so I can’t wait another 3 years as I’d be losing my skills etc. and won’t be able to maintain my HCPC registration. I am also part way through a second MSc (on top of everything else) which would open up doors for me in a more specialist area. So, I am wondering if I could take in the other job (if offered) near the Lakes and complete my MSc (distance learning) while my youngest completed her A-levels and then move on. Or, stay if I loved being there.

Definitely feel I want out of current role. It’s a witch hunt all the time (which has triggered the restructure) by lower bands. Not against me, personally ,but the entire management team. Mainly the higher up ones. It’s awful. It’s not where my interest lies and I am dealing with a lot of 💩 every day. Never had these issues in my
own profession.

The place is making me ill tbh. I need to leave. I’ve looked for WFH roles but no luck.

Reading your post, what struck me is what a huge amount you have going on. Teenagers, sorting a divorce, a stressful job, a restructure, an MSc, menopause etc

I wonder if throwing a new job into that mix, with either moving and the impacts of that on your DC, or a nightmare commute, is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back.Youre trying to get a handle on so much at the moment, perhaps there is a third option of just letting it play out for a while and do nothing. There might be something just around the corner that sorts it.

I am usually against rush decisions... and your job situation does sound a bit like it - the fact that you cancel interviews shows that you know as well.

However, have another look at your finances, could you afford to rent or buy in the lake district? (I am taking from your post tat this is your preferred option) Would this one job you fancy give you the lifestyle and job satisfaction you want?
Would you stay in the job once completed the extra training?

As for your DD, you are looking at another 2 years + in regards to schooling.
If the above works out, I'd have her sit GCSE at current school, but move for A-levels to wherever work takes you (or stay with Dad ??) It's tough and I'm thinking as women we are conditioned to put others first and make things work for them. However you are looking at another 15+ years of working... being a tiny bit selfish does not hurt anyone.

I don’t agree with most of the other replies. I think you should go for the other jobs and accept the one that appeals the most. Things change very quickly in the NHS, and I agree with you that you could become deskilled very quickly.

A toxic environment and colleagues will never change unless they all miraculously leave at the same time, and your MH and confidence will just plummet if you stay.

Your daughter can take her GCSEs anywhere, she doesn’t need to stay in the same school, if she doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, which I suspect is more her worry than taking exams in a new school, she can stay with her father temporarily until next summer.

Yes, you are probably right. Trouble is, my workplace is toxic and that’s causing me grief. I don’t want to end up in a position where I am out of a job in a couple of months. I have worked so hard for the NHS for 27 years! I definitely think I need to leave there.

I’m paying £300-£800 a month in solicitor fees at the moment until this divorce is over. I’ve lost loads tbh. If I wasn’t paying this then, yes, I probably could afford somewhere in the Lakes.

I need to act soon. I can’t keep feeling the way I do - it’s not healthy, long term.

My daughter won’t stay with her dad much. Rarely tbh. I find it hard as he doesn’t pay a penny towards her upkeep. Reckons he can’t afford it. But, also, I get no child free time unless I’m at work!! I take myself off for a long weekend somewhere every 3 months, for my sanity , and insist she stays with her dad. She is always at home as she doesn’t socialise outside of school. Never has. Would never join any clubs etc. I don’t have any family to help either (all RIP, even my siblings).

I have worked in my profession since 1996 and have only been in something else for the last 3. For this reason, I need to go back as soon as possible as I will start to be de-skilled. I’m very experienced in quality management though so this will probably be something I can use in the future (my current MSc is in Healthcare QM).

The people who are creating a bad atmosphere (and stirring up trouble) are lower bands and I often get the feeling they’re jealous of the higher bands and reckon they can do a better job (of course they’d fail at the first stage of recruitment as they don’t have the essential qualifications). It is shocking what I see and hear. Definitely need to jump ship! There is no respect and bad behaviour in the place.

Sounds like every option involves compromises for now until your dd is a little older. Forgive me if this is obvious but do you know the AFC calculator for take home pay at https://nursingnotes.co.uk/nhs-pay-bands/
it is useful to see if how much actual take home varies by band as sometimes it’s not as much as the headline basic salary suggests. If you’ve been B6 before then hopefully you could be top of B6 and it might give more options locally in your field. I get what you’re saying about maintaining registration and how some AHP/healthcare scientist roles are thinly spread geographically which makes it hard. Good luck with working it all out!

Meant to say B6 might be the compromise for now until your dd finishes GCSES or A levels. If you do move her mid GCSEs it would be worth checking if the new local schools do the same subjects, or combination of options as they don’t all offer exactly the same GCSE subjects.