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Original poster

Overbearing colleague

20 replies

Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 10:48

So, looking for advice please. I have worked in my (large) organisation for 30 years. (I'm 51) and have moved around somewhat within the organisation to gain experience and had a few PT roles that have fit in with my 3 DC. Fast forward to current time I am 3 months in a new team

(My colleague started in the team the month before I did). Our manager mentioned to my colleague before I joined that as our team developed there would be a post for a junior manager needed. He indicated to my colleague (even though I had not started at this point) he would want me to go for the role, which as I have learnt from my colleague this week really, really annoyed her.

Her annoyance towards me is absolutely not my fault and not particularly fair, this was not something i mentioned at interview, that i would like a manager role eventually. I can only guess as I have a good reputation with my organisation, lots of experience they thought it may be a role I would wish to explore given the opportunity?

My colleague is 20, fresh from university placement and although qualified clearly does not possess the integrity, professionalism, or self awareness. She basically wanted to step into this role and I guess quite rightly want to progress.

I have to make it clear that despite my experience etc I have made no comments about this nor have I been rude to her. I have simply gone in, got my head done and done what's expected of me. If my position offers progression then of course I would go for it but it wasn't on my agenda when I started.

The issue i have now is she is acting very arrogant towards me which all makes sense since she told me they had earmarked me for possible promotion. She is constantly highlighting how qualified she is, how educated she is, how people like her (other leaders seem to have an issue with her arrogance apparently, but not my issue). My colleague is making personal attacks and I have bit back but I am now thinking I need to have a quiet word, one to one and explain as her colleague her behaviour towards me is simply not acceptable.

Any ideas please how to deal with this? do I need to keep a diary of her behaviour first before I tackle?

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/11/2023 10:59

What kind of personal attacks is she making?

I think in reality you need to raise this with your manager, rather than with her directly. Manager at least partly caused this problem by shooting his mouth off about your promotion prospects. I would assume that in reality both you and she (and possibly others) can apply for this role when it's advertised and nothing needed to have been said about it at all.

I would keep a diary of her comments in case you need to escalate this beyond your manager in the future, but in the meantime that's what I would do first.

Doggymummar · 10/11/2023 11:05

I would tackle it myself first, and if it continues I would raise it higher. Ask her for a coffee and then tell her the behaviour you want her to stop and why and the consequences of her not stopping. You will look more confident and assertive than going running to management to deal with it.

spiderleggings · 10/11/2023 11:14

Rise above it. You're 51, she's 20's your maturity should be showing through here

Take it for what it is, she's entitled and jealous of your possible promotion and is trying to build her profile up

Just ignore any attempts and please don't bite back- you're above this silly nonsense

Let her dig her hole and you carry on with what you're doing

Original poster
Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 11:15

I have to agree with @Doggymummar . Some of the personal attacks have been whilst my manager has been there so he is aware (but has said nothing/chose not to get involved or did not hear). Examples of personal attacks have been, irrelevant to the work we're doing i.e commenting on my height (I'm tall) and height of my shoes (completely irrelevant), may be trying to be friendly but I doubt it, this is not the way to be friendly. I left my notepad in a meeting room the other day and she laughed and commented that I couldn't be taken anywhere without something happening which is simply not true. I suspect she has been stabbing me in the back (can't think of a friendlier way to phrase that!) to other execs. They honestly would ignore her or she would make herself look absolutely silly if she was doing this.
Anyway , I think I will be having a conversation with her and keeping a log of this.

Yes @tribpot , absolutely this position if ever came to light would need to be advertised and candidates would need to be interviewed scored/tested etc. To be honest I am not even sure I'd want this but nevertheless......

OP posts:
fitforflight · 10/11/2023 11:17

I'm not the most diplomatic and I'd have had enough of crap like this before this point so you've my respect for biting your tongue. I'd quite blunt say "Sarah, the way you're speaking to me lately isn't appropriate or professional and if you're going to insist on continuing I'll be paying a visit to HR." But then I wouldn't really be bothered about any repercussions because I don't have the patience for twats at work.

Original poster
Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 11:17

@spiderleggings thanks. My sentiments exactly. I am really sensible and mature and choosing to ignore and yes she is making herself look very silly.

OP posts:
scrimpton · 10/11/2023 11:18

I would suggest having a word with her yourself, rather than going straight to your manager!

JanefromLondon1 · 10/11/2023 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

booksandbeans · 10/11/2023 11:38

Ignore, rise above it & give her enough rope to hang herself. She may think she is bright & popular but street wise she is not, especially if you become her manager.

Slav80 · 10/11/2023 12:02

I would go via her line manager as she could push back and say she doesn't report to you, why should she be listening to you, which in my experience seems to be the response from someone who knows they've been overstepping boundaries. Having said that, if you think one to one works better first, then do that, but either way something needs to be done.

Original poster
Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 12:16

Thanks all @scrimpton, my thinking also. My manager has enough to do without dealing with her childish antics. @bleughgreen this was similar to the brief chat I had with her, the execs may be polite to say anything but her behaviour is absolutely getting her noticed.
@Slav80 I suspect she may listen to me as she previously has done and took on board what I have said. I will see what happens.
Thank you 😊

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/11/2023 16:03

Going directly to her I'd be concerned:

  • that you're making the situation (you're lined up to be promoted over her) worse, by acting like it's already happened
  • she can accuse you of bullying or similar.

That said, you say you've spoken to her directly before, but I would be wary.

Original poster
Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 19:10

@tribpot I'm at a loss here as I have not experienced, fortunately, this behaviour from a colleague before. Do you feel when she throws personal insults at me I should ignore them and allow her to do that, for example, my weight/height/dress sense/make up etc. Do I continue to let her gaslight me/try and throw me under the bus to make her look better, despite not succeeding?

I would imagine that this would not be seen as bullying if I was to mention this to her? Agree it may make the situation worse? I would be concerned if I was external to this situation that a colleague was expected to just embrace personal and professional attacks. If the advice overall is to ignore, then I will go ahead!

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/11/2023 19:13

God no you absolutely shouldn't just be putting up with it. I was advocating for going to your manager who (a) caused this situation (b) knows it's happening and can't be arsed and (c) it's his job to manage the staff. However, if you want to go with the majority advice to tackle it directly, I was just raising some concerns to think about.

Original poster
Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 19:23

@tribpot thank you, I misunderstood. No, I don't think it needs to be tolerated to be honest. I do feel that if I discussed with our manager, he would then have a discussion with her and knowing what she's like she would make me look like the bad guy and spin a load of lies (I've heard many lies out that girls mouth!). I would like to think he would know the truth but who knows? I can see this situation exploding unnecessarily as really have done nothing wrong here. Too old for this rubbish that's for sure!

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 10/11/2023 19:28

I'd just let her get on with getting herself fired

She's just graduated, how fucking qualified can she be? Five years ago she was still a teenager

Wonderously · 10/11/2023 19:39

either happily ignore or maturely challenge her head on next time she says something … ‘I feel that you’re annoyed with me, is there something you’d like to talk about’

Newestname002 · 10/11/2023 20:42

booksandbeans · 10/11/2023 11:38

Ignore, rise above it & give her enough rope to hang herself. She may think she is bright & popular but street wise she is not, especially if you become her manager.

My thoughts exactly. Also:

  • Make notes if these negative interactions she has with you (wording as exactly as you can remember, plus date, time and location)
  • What you said in return and your own tone of voice to her
  • Note who was in the vicinity who can corroborate your version
  • Anything work related, cover yourself by following up with an email, confirming what is requested/agreed.
  • Remain calm and professional at all times.

If you have any check-ins due with your manager, or if the situation gets worse, speak to your manager bringing the problem to his attention but advising how you dealt with the situation so far.

Good luck OP - hope things improve soon. 🌹

Original poster
Professionalrhubarb · 10/11/2023 21:39

Thanks all. I shall keep you updated how it goes.It may prove to be a good learning for someone else further on down the line.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 10/11/2023 21:46

She sounds awful & well done for keeping quiet. I can't imagine why she believes she should be promoted above you? You have a good reputation & lots of work experience.

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