Continue to work or sahm?

[DawnWW]

Let me start this thread by saying I know I am in a privileged position and am very grateful but don't know what to do for the best.

I have one DS who is 16 months old, I was made redundant on maternity leave and struggled to find a part time job that would fit in the hours I wanted. I still wanted to have 2 days a week with him so looked for 3 days. I was very lucky to get a wfh role that fits the hours and days I wanted and we have a local childminder that looks after him while I work.

I have been in the new job 6 weeks and am really struggling. I'm not enjoying it, there's lots of pressure to produce work and I'm constantly getting chased and having to do extra unpaid work in the evenings to meet what they want from me. 2 weeks ago they even suggested serving notice on me because they didn't think the part time hours were working which caused more stress and extra overtime on my part to try to keep the job.

DH is on a very good wage and has offered to cover all costs/bills etc so I can be a sahm mostly because he hates seeing me unhappy and stressed. At the minute I'm struggling with work and feeling like I'm letting DS down, constantly feel like I should be doing something else (housework when working and work when with DS). I'm worried we will struggle financially without the extra income although childcare fees reducing massively will help and also how difficult it would be to get back into the workplace after a break of a few years.

Has anyone else been in the same position? I was very career minded before having DS and reached a good role/wage so losing it feels a bit tough but I don't want to miss out on him growing up or spend the whole time stressed. I don't think I'd find another wfh role in the industry easily and do worry about getting back into it when he goes to school. I also think the money we would have got from my part time salary could have been used to secure our future a bit more, provide a better childhood for DS etc plus, I worry I won't be enough for him. I know there are toddler groups and lots of activities but it is a big concern of mine and I don't want to hinder his development at all or socialisation.

Any advice from those that have been in a similar position? I feel like I'm failing in all areas at the moment and am truly miserable not knowing what to do for the best

Give up the job. It’s not worth the stress.

The job does sound awful. Perhaps you could give up the job but have a plan to study/ upskill or change industry altogether? Your current situation definitely doesn't look to be working, but I would always recommend securing your own future. You are correct in thinking that it will be difficult to get back into work farther down the line. Difficult but not impossible.

If they said it’s not working I’d honestly get out with the view to looking for something/start looking now in the background. They’re going to try to guilt you into more and more- I’ve worked pt and was only told after I left that they’d probably been unfair trying to make me do a ft job in pt hours. Think about what you want from a job and if you and your partner are on the same page with you being a stay at home mum go for it! I was for ten years and it made life easier for both of us, although financially it does hit and it’s something to bear in mind. You also miss out on work interactions/friends and I personally used to feel guilty spending on anything other than the house and kids. Best of luck whatever way you go op- there’s no right or wrong way to do this x

That particular job doesn’t sound like the right fit for you. It actually sounds like it is a full time job but they are trying to make you do it in part time hours.

But I would try and find a better fit rather than being a SAHM.

My view (based on not doing this!!) is that life is so much easier if you work when they are little and build trust and the opportunity for flexibility when they are at school to take an hour here and there to go to school events. When they are at school it’s you they want. When they are small, they are generally happy for anyone to look after them.

It’s also in your interests to keep a career going, keep your skills up etc.

So I would stay where you are but keep looking for something else.

financial dependence on your partner and detriment to your earning ability are not a ‘privilege’, The model works well for some but has some big drawbacks and risks.

Working 3 days a week was rubbish for me, worked well in terms of the DC but badly at work.

Would seek another job, there may be more around at 4 days.

That particular job doesn’t sound like the right fit for you. It actually sounds like it is a full time job but they are trying to make you do it in part time hours.

This^
Did the previous post holder do it in 3 days or is this a new arrangement? If so it's quite likely it's a full time workload you're trying to do in 3 days when they actually have employed another part timer for the rest of the workload.

Honestly I'd leave before it really impacts your health and look for something else, even if it takes a while you'll have had that time with your son.
Does it have to be a working from home job? Are you not near enough large places to commute for the right job? Also beware anywhere advertising for full time that then lets you do part time. Make sure there is a plan for someone else doing the other part of the workload.

*should have employed another part time worker

I would definitely give up this job as they are being unreasonable but keep an open mind about future jobs and opportunities. SAHP for a couple of years can be rewarding too.

My only advice would be to bear in mind that decisions you make right now can have big long term consequences. A lot of women don't think beyond, I feel stressed and guilty working right now and we can cover the bills if I stop. But down the line, even if your marriage goes the distance, now you're the default parent, probably permanently, so all career concessions are gonna be made by you until the DC leave home, and maybe the power dynamic in your marriage has shifted unpleasantly, and there's a big fat hole in your pension, and the only jobs you can get and do while managing everything for the DC pay minimum wage, because your H can't possibly help out, because you need his salary. And if your marriage does end... Financial badness.

Exactly @Loopytiles — the first part of your post should be a sticky. So often you’ve got posts from women on here parroting that being a SAHM is ‘a privilege’ or that they’re ‘lucky’.

OP, sounds tough, but I would look around for a better-fitting job rather than being a SAHM.

Thanks for all your replies. I think I started off by saying I feel privileged as I know there are lots of people that want to do this and can't afford to and need to work when they would rather be with their little ones.

I have financial security in the house I owned before we were a couple and have kept it as a rental and a back up plan so to speak. When talking we've agreed what would happen if it didn't work out and would like to think we could work something out but I know everyone likes to think this. He's offered to contribute to my pension as well and I've thought about trying to change career or get more qualifications if I do take a break.

I'm qualified as a financial advisor and do a lot of technical work so could do some more exams and go chartered but also don't want the pressure of those extremely tough exams if I won't have time to study etc. The role is for an outsourcing firm so they just keep chucking work at you when it comes in. I think if I was part of a normal team and in house it may be better but the level I got to they want full time which doesn't fit for me. Or I take a massive pay cut and then it's not worth it either.

I think I need some time to think about it but I'm not sure I'll ever 100% know which is the right option!

Hi @DawnWW - can I ask what you decided to do? Xxx