Started new job and my nemesis joined a week later

[Superdupersquirrel]

Apologies but I’ll need to share a bit of background, might take a few minutes but I’d really appreciate some help.

I recently joined a new company, after 6 years at a place I enjoyed and with great people. I left because I made a mistake moving into leadership and the decisions made by the equity firm who took over a few years ago were hurting my team and I found it too much (I work for a tech company)

so I decided to move and go back into account mgt at another tech company with a good reputation and good product. On my first day I was told the other open role had been filled too and they would start the following week. The person joining was someone I knew - sadly it is the one person myself and many others had significant issues with in my old role. She left by mutual consent although my new employer doesn’t know that - it’s due to her lack of performance and people she had upset in her wake. She’s the only person that actually made me cry or question my worth at that job and fortunately I had an amazing circle at that company who rallied around me. What is difficult is it’s subtle, it’s little criticisms, playing politics. They could see it as we’d been there a while - here we are both new

I’m chronically open! People seem to like that I’m open, like to coach, like to collaborate and that’s worked. But I’m terrible at politics (this all sounds like I’m saying that I think I’m great, I’m not I’m as flawed as the rest of us! I’m naive, not particularly organised and prone to distraction! But I make the relationship bit work in my role so people trust me and it makes up for being rubbish at other stuff!)

the problem with being poor at politics or not being as ruthless in my goals is I’m sensitive and just seeing her in our meetings makes me sad and anxious. My new boss is a bit old school sales and has taken to her straight away! I’ve set out my stall of who I am and other who worked at my old company know I was their top performer in Europe so he’s basically leaving me alone. Pretty sure he thinks I’m a strange hippy who somehow is good at sales and he doesn’t know why so he leaves me to it! He takes her to meetings and lunches instead which to be honest is great as I don’t really subscribe to that stuff (I didn’t really think it still happened!) but it does leave me vulnerable and an outsider.

i can see that little digs starting already - she’s a ‘take me as you see me, I’m straight talking and not afraid to speak my mind’. I’m a bit of a sensitive creative type (how I’ve ended up in sales is a mystery to me too but somehow it works!) so what this means is when I try to explore new ways of doing things, as you can already tell I like to talk it through and facilitate discussions with others. I missed a meeting yesterday as my daughter was in hospital and got back to subtle digs at my suggestions and KISS over my work (keep it simple stupid). You’re reading this and thinking wow this is so long she has a point 😂 but sadly I know what she’s doing. It’s sales so of course it tends to be competitive but I am unproven here and I can see already that I may not be tough enough for this.

I was recommended into this role for a reason, I know that but with her on my team it’s making me feel ill. I also know I choose how to feel about things and should be able to ignore this but I’m really struggling. My DH is trying to help but is sick of me talking about it as I also talked through the politics of the leader role with him so l think he just thinks I’m taking things too seriously.

what throws me is people have always commented on how enthusiastic and positive I am so this constant worry and introspection is hurting me. Oh and I’m slap bang in menopause country so that’s fun!

if you’ve stuck with this then I love you already 😁 but what do I do? My DH thinks I should tell the recruiter and let them know how I feel, that I may not be able to continue with her there. But I can’t see what that would result in except me leaving. I guess that may need to happen but leaving because of one person that makes me sad seems childish - but it’s killing me not being able to be honest and open with my leaders about this,

Two options:

A) Leave. Tell your new bosses working with ‘insert name’ is not sustainable, thanks very much for everything so far but it’s not workable.

B) Play the game. Keep your friends close but enemies closer. If she’s making subtle digs, you start making subtle digs! When with your boss tell them what you’ve told us ‘I know I come across as a creative hippy type, but I’m shit hot at sales and tend to do well wherever I go’. They may be impressed with your colleague so far, but she has to sustain that. Take it in stages. See it out till Christmas, then see it out till Easter. If it’s that bad, revert to option A.

She left by mutual consent although my new employer doesn’t know that

I've only skimmed your post, but this jumped out.
She is whatever she is - the failure has been in the recruitment process. If your current employer had known the reason for leaving it would likely have sparked someone looking into it more.

Thank you so so much for this and I was thinking 6 months commitment would be fair on myself. I totally agree with the coaching and therapy piece as I think this could be very helpful in the long term. Because I also don’t want my mental health to suffer.

You need to separate out the two things in your mind. You are good at the job and have always been well thought of by colleagues.

That hasn't changed. You need to get your head down and do what you do well.

As for the colleague, she will repeat the pattern. I have one of these as a temporary boss at the moment so I understand. What you need to remember is that your past experience of her is an advantage. At the moment you see it as a negative as she is in the shiny phase.

But this won't last and gradually more people will see it. Make no attempt to make them see it. If people ask you about her find a neutral answer and stick to it. 'It's not for me to say, organisational styles are quite different etc'.

You need to get through the risky period without looking like the negative one. Let people learn it for themselves, however tempting it is.

To keep your sanity meantime, treat it like a game. Play buzz word bingo in your head so that when she does exactly what you knew she would, have a little internal smile.

And make sure that where you know she'll happily chuck you under the bus you get in first. You know how she operates so remove the ammunition.

I also think you need to get out of leadership mentality. What you need to do here is protect yourself. How anyone else deals with her or what she might do to colleagues is not your problem, other than to be a friend to them.

Stop letting her intimidate you (because you've always come out on top for a reason) and play smarter.

I have been fortunate in my small, niche professional world in finding ways of dissuading my boss from taking on people who I know were 'trouble' in the past.

Other colleagues in the network low-key let me know that so and so is sniffing around so I can head them off at the pass, either directly 'God, you wouldn't like it here because of x, y and z; you're always telling me how amazing your current job is and how amazing your fellow workers think you are, why would you want to leave?', or 'Hey boss, I think there's a couple of things you might need to know before you destabilise your team by allowing so and so in'.

Fortunately, the 'trouble-makers' are usually quite well known so I am by no means a lone voice in the wilderness!

Thank you for this as it raised something else that’s been on my mind. The culture here is different so I’m in that adjustment period but because the difference appears to be more old school sales than the environment I’ve been used to, deep down I’m worried my style won’t fit.

but when I say won’t fit, I mean in the team because I can still see that customers respond to the consultative ones and the non salesy approach far better. But like lots of tech companies, it’s a bit nervy at the moment which can bring out some of the more short termist behaviours. That’s not my strength

Have you got any other companies that might be desperate to have you?

I would probably leave if it was having this much of an affect of me and I don’t care about what people do or how they behave, you have to decide what is most important to you.

It’s such a shame that she has this ability to get to you, she’s a bad vibe a bad energy and it will show eventually, it always does. She’s obviously a big kiss arse too which will be obvious to everyone else there.

I would say to stay strong and remember that she’s like this for a reason, she knows it gets to you and she knows what you feel are your negatives - not that they actually are but she’s feeding off your insecurities and as long as she’s able to she will do this.

Be confident you was sought out for this job you are good enough and the way she’s made you feel is very likely to be how she feels inside, don’t let her knock your confidence you’re good at what you do… and don’t let this menopausal moment make you think she’s got more power than you, over you because she doesn’t and the menopause might be making feel much more vulnerable.

How long have you actually been there for?

The menopause/anxiety thing is real. It is horrible and probably making this way bigger in your head than it needs to be.

Have you considered HRT? It made a huge difference to me and getting my progesterone levels back up (it is the calming hormone that depletes first) made a massive difference. I had been having real anxiety/heart palpitations etc almost debilitating...

I know it’s easy for me to say this but I really wouldn’t leave unless you did find your style didn’t suit their more old school approach. Otherwise you’re just running from this person and there’s nothing to stop this from happening again and again. Like others have suggested get your head down and focus on you and your career. Don’t let someone else dictate your career and life

I’ve been where you are, OP. I understand how difficult it is; particularly when it’s insidious little digs that don’t get spotted in isolation by others (hence some of the “But what has she actually done?” posts you’re getting here).

In my case, it was someone who’d done a lot of my training. When I first started getting good results she’d talk me up to anyone who’d listen - “Have you seen what Stan’s done even though she’s so new? Isn’t it great Stan has picked everything up so quickly?” etc. I thought she was this great supportive colleague; a friend too. It turned out she was neither.

What happened was, my results got a little bit too good for her liking. I realised she’d been talking me up because my doing well had made her look like a great trainer. When the new starter support stopped and my results actually became better than hers, suddenly she wasn’t getting any credit for my success. The undermining started. If I shared the results of a campaign, her response would be “Great, Stan - just bear in mind you need to check with team X before using that targeting” or “Really good results, but remember to make sure it doesn’t clash with what team Y and Z are doing”. This was all stuff I’d learned in my first week and didn’t need to be told, but it was subtly implying I wasn’t quite up to doing it without her. It was nothing I could complain about - all things that could come under the heading of “Just trying to help” - but I knew what she was doing.

The reason I’m telling you all this is that I made the mistake of trying to warn others. It did her no harm and me no good. I got told I was imagining things, being paranoid; why would Claire do that, she’s lovely… it got massively frustrating, but I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to make others see what she’s like. Let her do it herself. Have an answer every time she tries to put you down or question your decisions. If you need to, calmly state “I appreciate you’re trying to help, but I’m looking after this project and everything is well in hand” or similar. She’s 100% a troublemaker, but won’t miss an opportunity to make it look like you’re the one causing problems. Bite your tongue, smile sweetly and keep on delivering. You may not be the boss’s favourite like her, but it’s hard to argue with results.

(Epilogue: I went for promotion to manage another, smaller team and got it. Claire didn’t apply because she was waiting for our boss to leave so she could take over. Claire got fed up with waiting and took an external job. Our boss resigned a fortnight later 😁)

I knew the op would slither off when we pulled her up about the fact she knows these people are driving whilst under the influence and smoking weed around their 3 children - yet has no intention of actively doing anything about it beyond navel gazing about what to do about her irritation at the smoke here children may be inhaling

Wrong thread sorry!!