Have I made a big mistake? Handhold please…

[Bellyrumble]

I handed my notice in this week after over 8 years as a private practice lawyer. I have obtained an in house role in a similar practice area. Notice period is 3 months.

law in private practice typically revolves around recording everything in 6 minute units and it was grinding me down a bit so I started to look around. I never expected to be successful. I’ve now been offered a 35% pay increase at the new role. And no time recording.

I’ve had a shit time since returning from Mat leave 18 months ago (DS was 6m old when I went back, we did shared parental leave)

My immediate team are super supportive, and I get on so well with them all, but outside of work my husband attempted suicide twice, my mum had a heart attack earlier this year (which has affected our childcare setup, but main thing is she is okay now!! Albeit we are now paying for a full time place for my 2 yo, unexpectedly) and we are dealing with fertility problems again, we experienced this first time around.

the new job gives more money and hopefully less stress. Everyone has said it’s a fantastic opportunity.

why then have I been unable to stop crying since I handed in my notice and why does it feel like a massive mistake? I’ve been spontaneously crying for days now.

Is it just the realisation that I’ve hung on for so long and have fought so hard, but now feel a failure for throwing the towel in?

or have I actually made a huge mistake in leaving a place that I generally enjoyed working (albeit under a lot of pressure) and really liked and respected my colleagues and immediate boss, when going through such a crap time already.

the extra money means childcare no longer an issue (as things have been incredibly tight) and we can save for IVF if and when needed… but I really am concerned I’m leaving some lovely colleagues for a remote role and it just won’t be the same

why then have I been unable to stop crying since I handed in my notice and why does it feel like a massive mistake? I’ve been spontaneously crying for days now.

Humans are loss averse. It's normal to feel sad and worried about "regret" when we make a big decision.

You've worked there the best part of a decade, it's probably a big part of your identity (despite what people like to say on here, work becomes a part of everyone's identity and sense of self, it's normal).

It's like leaving home or buying a house or any big change. It feels uncomfortable and scary and sad, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. I think you'd probably end up feeling worse in the long run if you stayed put.

You sound like you clearly weighed up the right thing for you and this was it. Let yourself feel what you feel while you process things.

Oh, OP, you've been through the wringer a bit.

Firstly, congratulations on your new role. Can you try to remember all of the positives about the role to see if it makes you feel better. It's OK to feel sad about leaving your old role though - you were there for a long time. And at the end of the day, you could always go back at some point in the future.

It's probably the work version of survivor's guilt and some fear of the new. It's okay to have complicated feelings when leaving a job - even one that had obvious downsides.

Bless you. Change is scary, but it sounds like you're making a good decision for yourself and your family.
Sometimes, when you stay in a role for a long time, they start to take advantage of you. Even though you got on well with colleagues, it still doesn't help with the stress. And you've had more than your fair share!

Hi OP,

Firstly I'm so sorry about your husband, your mum and your fertility issues. That's a hell of a lot on your plate and maybe no wonder emotions are spilling out in other aspects of life?

FWIW, I left private practice to go and work remotely for a University. I had some wobbles too and had the most amazing colleagues, I do really miss them but it was the best thing for me and my family to move on and I don't regret it. The money aspect for you will remove a big chunk of stress from your life by the sounds of it.

Think of the reasons why you applied and why you accepted the job, it's time for a change and if it turns out you don't enjoy it, you can move on again. Good luck

@user1846385927482658 i think you’re right there- a huge part of me. First “proper” professional job for me and I’ve worked my way up here. I’m longest serving member of our team and it’s been such a huge part of my life I’ve “grown up” there. Qualified a a solicitor there, got married with colleagues at wedding, went through fertility treatment whilst there too and had DS.

however I’ve been working mad hours to try keep on top of things to progress and it’s all just got on top of me. I can’t hack the 11pm finishes anymore and feel I need to be more present at home which is what the new job will hopefully enable. I’ve almost forgotten the real ‘me’ and maybe that’s what I’m scared of

theyve said I can go back if it doesn’t work out which is something

I get it OP. I'm a lawyer too and left private practice 6 years ago for a non fee earning role as I was going through a stressful time in my personal life and was finding the pressure too much. I was terrified I was making an enormous mistake but looking back it was exactly what I needed to do at the time.

6 years later and my personal life is 1000% better and I've returned to private practice, but with skills and experience from the non fee earning role that I simply wouldn'thave got if I stayed put. It's a huge step, but it could be the best thing you ever do. And if you don't like it, there's always a way back.

It is completely normal to feel this way. The elation of getting the job gives way to the reality of doing the job in an organisation where you don't understand the culture and don't yet have any friends. You need to give it a good six months before you will understand it all and find your groove. The more senior you are the longer it takes. Be kind to yourself. It doesn't sound like you have made a mistake, what you are experiencing is normal for someone in a new company.

@Footprintsinthesand thank you, I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. It’s hard to explain to people not in the law but I feel like I’ve failed because I haven’t kept all the plates spinning, and now I’m getting myself all upset because I’ve got the time to process all that has happened.

you’ve given me hope that it will get better but that I need to take this opportunity to get things right first

It sounds like you're making the right decision to take the new job!

You're upset because you're obviously under a huge amount of pressure. Who knows if the tears are about relief or fear or guilt or none of these things or a combination! Don't feel like you have to work it out!

I have a high-stress job and whenever a major period of stress is over, I pretty much collapse. A coldsore will often appear, which is how I know I'm exhausted. I'll fall asleep at 9 pm. Up until that point, I'll be powering through whatever needs to be done. It seems like it's my body's way of insisting I recognize the pressure I've been under and take a rest. To me, it sounds like maybe that's what's happening with you.

Yes, it is tough to move when colleagues are great. But you are clearly someone who has the ability to find another job or maybe even plan a return to your current company if the new position doesn't work out. Also, I hope you'll find time to stay in touch with your current coworkers. Whatever life throws at you in future, it'll be nice to know that you have supporters at the end of a message or call!

Listen to your body. If you can possibly take it easy for a while to recover from this intense period, please do! Go to bed early, eat peanut butter sandwiches or icecream for dinner for a week, sneak out of work at 4 pm, whatever you need to do.

That's a lot of memories and milestones tied up there, no wonder you're having such a strong emotional response.

You will be okay though. And absolute worse case scenario I'm sure they'd welcome you back (but I bet you won't need to).

You have kept all of the plates spinning! You're doing very well at work. This is about wanting a job that better suits your lifestyle.

Nothing about this situation reflects badly on you. Your colleagues obviously like you, you are good enough to get hired at a company that provides what you want, and you've managed to deal with a lot of personal turmoil.

That's so much to have going on op, I'm sure in some ways your colleagues have been a bit of a consistent for you in the midst of a lot of stress and uncertainty. So it makes complete sense that you'd feel emotional about leaving. Plus sometimes when you're already under pressure, the idea of any change (even good change) can feel overwhelming and new jobs are stressful in themselves at the very beginning before things settle and you feel confident in your role. So it might be the idea of more change happening at a time when there's already been a lot of uncertainty.

The other thing you might want to consider is if maybe its that you've been in survival mode for a long time and now you're hopefully getting an opportunity that will give you more mental space in your life and that might give you more of a chance to actually process everything you've been dealing with, which is a lot.

I haven't read the full thread sorry, but if you aren't already, it might be really good to invest in yourself through counselling. It sounds like you've been there for a lot of people around you lately in really emotive and stressful situations and that's a lot. Any one of those things is a lot on their own never mind combined. So you deserve to have the space and support to process that and think about your own needs as well.

Hopefully this new job is exactly what you need and you feel better for it once you get all settled in but just be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

You are doing great OP. I thought for a minute you were going to say you had handed your notice in to do sod all! You have a great job to step into and once you are settled there, you will flourish and use all those great skills you have!

Process everything that has happened. And please reconsider bringing another child into this situation - you need time to heal ad focus on yourself after the huge amount of stress you have had to deal with in a short period of time!

I quit a similar style job at a similar point as the time recording and pressure to have better recovery (over doing a better job) got me massively stressed when I was juggling a lot at home.

Moved to industry for a bit, then back to private practice a couple of years later.

Honestly, the change of perspective did me good. I didn’t love the industry role, but it allowed me time to become happy in myself again.

I’m now back to private practice and charging by the minute, but in a much better headspace to deal with it (and also appreciate the parts I like!).

My only slight regret is missing the people from my first job as I trained there and most people stuck around. However, I’ve been in the new role a year or so now and starting to build up “work friends” rather than acquaintances.

Op I have had to check the dates on this and reread because you could be me..

I have been there, and you should be so so proud of yourself and this decision.

I have been married twenty plus years. I was working 20 years for a firm from trainee level. They were my friends and all I had known.

I lost many babies, and ultimately adopted two. I was 39 then. I took my six month leave and it ended as covid was just breaking. I think the twins had two weeks in nursery part time and then it was closed.

I was then pregnant week one, and by now ended up having two healthy babies.

I think looking back

Had covid not happened private to local authority would have kept me in law.

The fight to get part time was ongoing even when I returned. It was an absolute nightmare.

I'm now at home, work in school, would never ever go back.

However, I was one of the most experienced and trained women in domestic abuse and safeguarding in our area and wider.

So I have been approached and still continue to be.

But the way I was treated in private practice by the people I grew up with, nah I'm done.

So you follow that security, you take that job, the grieving is normal. Keep in touch but see who keeps in touch with you. and just enjoy the next chapter.

More money and what sounds like a better job .

It's possibly the fear of the unknown , changing job after 8 years or so .

I should add because reading that back doesn't make sense

I didn't have twins, I had one then another very quickly, after the adoption.

I think you’re def doing the right thing! (Private practice lawyer here longer than you!!) and you’ve done really well to bag more money in house ! You’re institutionalised and you’ll feel great once you get out! I might do one day too! Sorry to hear about your family troubles.

Thank you all for being so supportive. You’ve all said very similar things and it is great to have some outside perspective on this.

I think I’m finally processing everything and I’m definitely scared of what will come next.

To the PP who suggested counselling, I think that’s a really good idea and I’ll look at it.
To the PP who mentioned not bringing another child into this, it’ll be a while anyway as I have fertility issues but I can see what you’re saying. I’d need to settle a bit first anyway.

Does anyone know when I’ll stop crying?! Lol

It sounds like you've had a lot of pain in the last few years - infertility, your mum's illness, stress etc. Maybe this impending change has brought all that to surface and you're crying because of all of this and less about the job change? Sometimes we just have to soldier on through the bad times but our emotions often catch up with us later. Perhaps it's that?

My colleague moved from private to in-house and he much prefers it. The company we work for is big on flexibility and work/life balance. He's able to spend a decent amount of time with his daughter.

I wonder if, now you have the job and the pressure is reduced the tears are more to do with having space to process the difficulties you've had? You might find that as you have less stress from work to deal with those feelings will come out now.

@NerdyBird i think you’re probably right there.

I’ve procrastinated so much today because of it too. Which then leads to me working late to catch up, and the cycle repeats. I probably need to sort my head out whilst I have the time to, before the new job starts. Keen to work hard during my notice though, 3m is a long time.

my DS also woke tonight at 11pm (he never does this!) must know mummy is sad right now as he’s ended up in my bed giving me the best cuddles, which makes a lovely change. He’s gripping me so tight

thanks to everyone who has offered good advice and some perspective

Private practice for junior associates is a harsh place. Everyone starts thinking they will/must make partner, but few actually do. The constant drive to increase PEP means associates are held for longer in those roles and squeezed for hours, with a Jam tomorrow promise of promotion that may never come true.

Big firms are also a bit like bastard husbands too. You hate them but you can't leave them. They gaslight you into thinking it's the best place ever, better than everywhere else, and you are lucky to work there, because they only take the best, and if you can't keep up, maybe you're not the best, and maybe you shouldn't, be there, and that would be sad, but theirs always new people behind you. And your working hard, but others are maybe working harder, and maybe if you don't keep up, you'll get left behind etc etc.

You end up trauma bonded...

...And working all hours for god knows what reason. (It's PEP for a sleaze bag in London usually).

Now. You've had a rough year. But look what you've achieved! A promotion, an in house role, and a big bag of extra cash! Well done! Six months down the line, you will wonder why you ever felt the way you did right now.

You are about to make the best move of your career! Good luck!