No one will sit next to me or be my friend. Whaaaaaa

[StamppotAndGravy]

Ok, it's not that bad and I'm not really 7.

I do feel completely invisible in the office though. The rest of my team work from home, so there is no one to drink a coffee with, no one to quickly ask about a file system, no one just to vent with so problems stew. I've tried all the things you tell children to do. I tag along with other teams, insert myself into non-work conversations and go to all socials, but I'm no one's problem so I always get forgotten again. I'm fairly sure it's not me and it's just that other teams are busy and have their own stuff going on. It's so lonely though and it means I'm missing collaboration opportunities etc. Even my official manager seems to forget I exist. Despite this I'm actually really good at my job and regularly get bonuses and receive international recognition for my work.

So my problem is, how do I address this with my day-to-day manager without sounding like a 5 year old? Having an assigned unwilling playground buddy was mortifying at 5, never mind 35. Is there a solution I can propose or do I just have to suck it up?

Sorry to hear that you're unhappy - it's understandable
But unfortunately that aspect of your work life is not your manager's problem.

Have you tried bringing in food and offering it round? Then you can stand and chat while people help themselves.

My former team would roll over and do tricks for a tub of those m&s treats.

How big is your organisation/office?

In a previous job, my team adopted a stray person who didn’t have a team around her in London, but the glue in that relationship was that she had previously worked with someone in our team. Without that link, I think we would have welcomed her along anytime but probably forgotten to reach out to include her.

I would instead look to formal groups or initiatives. Any working groups, culture groups or social groups you can join? A lot of culture groups welcome allies as well as those who identify as part of that group.

Thanks for your replies!

The me problem vs management problem is exactly my dilemma. It becomes a managent problem when I leave, but I guess they don't care that much. My official manager ignoring me is something I can raise.

I've tried food. Everyone is very nice then goes back to ignoring me. I suspect it's partly that most people are just too stressed to have head space for anyone extra (so my problem is a symptom of a managent problem). It's a lot like you describe @MyAnacondaMight. I'm someone who would and has in the past adopted stray colleagues, so I find it odd that the 100 other people in my department all fail to see that I need adopting.

I'm trying hotdesking round different departments. Today's department are a bit more friendly and even said good morning. They do quite different work from me though so I can't transfer officially, but I think this might be the solution.

If the rest of your team is wfh you need to treat them like they are in the office

So - someone to have coffee with- set up a teams meeting coffee time with sone of them

Ask a quick question - if you want to ask - just message or call someone

Just because you can't see them doesn't mean you can't talk to them and start to build the relationships you need

One thing I now do in my current job (hot desking) is to briefly introduce myself to any unfamiliar faces I sit next to of a morning. I used to be a bit hit and miss about it, until I said hi to someone who said they had been working in the office for 2 weeks and I was the first person to acknowledge them.

Would you feel comfortable letting people know that you find the office a lonely experience? Thinking back to my “stray” friend at a previous (whom I’m still in touch with!), initially I thought she was just really outgoing and I had no idea that she was without a default “team”. I wonder if people need to know, in order for them to try a bit harder?

Sorry if this is a bit of an obvious question but how come you are the only one in your office and the rest of the team are wfh all the time?

We're going to see more and more of this due to the fad of WFH, and management who aren't properly addressing the problems like this. It's very definitely a management problem!

My DS has just started his first job, in a different city, which is hybrid. He (and us) were dreading the well known WFH problems, i.e. no one to train him, lack of social interaction, etc. But his managers have been absolutely brilliant. They have online teams meetings every morning at 9:15 and every afternoon at 3pm, where ALL the team have to "attend", whether WFH or in the office. The managers have been very inclusive with the new graduates/interns even though they mostly havn't a clue what's going on, they're being included and brought (dragged) into conversations. One of the managers is VERY active in organising quiz nights, pub nights, 5 a side football, meals out, etc., and virtually dragging the new recruits to go to them. They're literally doing everything they can to get the "team" together, both in and out of the office. One of the managers does a short daily "fact" or "quiz" every morning which is actually aimed at a different recruit every day - she finds out what they're interested in, hobbies, etc., and finds an interesting fact or a simple quiz to spend a couple of minutes on, just to give the "target" recruit the opportunity to talk and it tells everyone else what they're interested in, which promotes team members with similar interests to connect! He's also encouraged to go onto "teams" meetings to ask questions or advice and not to rely on asking those near to his desk as they don't want the ones in the office to be swamped by queries etc - the "team" all know it's collective and joint responsibility to train and support the new recruits!

He's made more "friends" in six weeks at work than he did in 3 years at Uni, as the managers are all very proactive in encouraging and facilitating them to make friends, get to know each other, etc. Very refreshing indeed when you keep reading of the isolation etc that some people suffer due to WFH!

Does your employer organise social events? If not that's something you could raise internally that doesn't need to be in a "poor me" way.

My employer holds regular social events in teams, for each office, for the whole organisation. We also have charity events. These help to
Boost morale and well being
Encourage teamwork
Encourage collaboration
Educate colleagues about other department's work and how they operate.

Is this something you could suggest? It would then make it easier when you're in the office if you've been socialising with people to go for lunch or coffee or after work drinks in a less structure way.

God I hear you. It’s quite humiliating to admit you need pals but I think it’s fab how you are going about it. And it absolutely does impact your work in all sorts of ways. So it needs to change.
I did raise it with line manager in the end (I essentially had joined a team of just me, during peak covid) and was moved into a proper team eventually.

Can you try building your network outwith your organisation? Connect with other people in similar roles as yours on LinkedIn and arrange a round table/coffee catchup/idea sharing meet-up?

Leverage your international recognition to attend conferences/events or even host some yourself and build up your external network. Post about it online and internally to drum up a bit of buzz and you could perhaps then host an internal event off the back of it and build your internal network that way.

Also remember that a lot of the remote workers will be feeling the same way as you! Could you organise a drinks social across various teams? Maybe enlist the help of a younger/less senior colleague if you don’t want the invitation to come from you!

Thanks so much everyone. It's been really interesting reading your replies and it's helped me to identify the problem, which I don't think is me, even if I still don't know what the solution is.

I'm actually doing almost everything suggested, I'm even on the work social committee for my sins. I agree that I'm maybe too outgoing so no one notices that I might need support. They also talk to me once a month, mentally think "I talk to Stamppot every day in the office", and forget that I have another 20 days per month in the office without them.

We're meant to be hybrid, but my team all have their reasons not to come in frequently. Company wide, a lot of staff come less than once a week, cram all their meetings in then don't want to talk to anyone for the next 2 weeks. E-coffee and stand-ups would be fiercely resisted. It was interesting reading the current how to manage a remote team thread. We do none of that! That's definitely a management problem, but above my pay grade. That leaves occasional drinks as a time where teams and old friends catch-up, but then everyone is too busy catching up to properly include new or left-over people. I've tried to organise more frequent socials, but attendance was nil. I'm also female and foreign, which doesn't help.

Unfortunately, having asked around in the last few months, I think most comparable employers are pretty similar. Several of the people from my network are looking for new jobs for almost the same reason.

I work in recruitment and I hear time and time again from clients saying that they just cannot get people back in the office. They ask for our advice but we are having problems with our own company. It's tricky! Do you mind me asking what industry you are in?

I am fully remote (most of the company is - international company) and I have bonded well with my team just over Teams chat. We have different group chats, some have moved onto Whatsapp. We have weekly “coffee and chat” catch up calls. I try to put aside a bit of time in meetings just for general chit-chat.

I guess I don’t really see your problem/ why you want to socialise with people at the office physically, especially if it’s not your team.

Can you work on getting closer with your actual team, just through Teams chat? It’s great for venting and asking a quick question.

@llemonsaretheonlyfruit I'm in R&D, so lots of antisocial scientists @BBlackcoffee1 that would be an improvement, but I'm working in my second language already, so message interaction is a hopeless replacement for face to face because I need to see body language to understand context. My language skills in both languages rust if I don't communicate directly. Maybe I'm more of an extrovert, but don't you find it really lonely not talking properly to anyone all day?

I sympathise. I do a highly social job (teacher) but my two subject colleagues are both management and dash in to do their lessons (which are generally when I am elsewhere anyway as we mostly use the same classroom) and then rush off again.

The rest of my faculty are in a totally different building. I have gradually made a few friends by hanging out in the staff room but it's taken a year...

I have a commute and childcare so volunteering to do lots of extra stuff isn't really a solution as it just puts stress on my husband.

It is a bit sad if you're extrovert and end up in this situation.

Do you have any sociable hobbies?

A quiz about your hobbies... sounds horrendous. Just go into the bloody office.

Have you tried chatting on teams? Anything from.saying hello, to sharing pictures of yout cat, to asking how people are. The sort of innocuous stuff that builds up relationships in person does so online too.

@StamppotAndGravy We do a lot of zoom phone calls to talk over work stuff so I’m not lonely - usually desperate for them to end most days! I can see how it must be difficult working in a second language though.

Hi! I feel your pain! I really do. I work for somewhere where we hot desk. I never thought I’m an extrovert but the booking a desk and no one talking to you, or going for days with no one talking is awful. I am seriously considering going back to a face to face job despite the flexibility of my current job.

I haven’t read all your posts but do you have a staff notice board where you could put feelers out for a weekly coffee meeting? For people in a similar boat? People could dip in or out as they please? Or even a lunch time book club or something virtually? You sound really proactive but guaranteed you won’t be the only person thinking this. X