Exhausted and overwhelmed

[Alohamo]

Not sure where to post this really as doesn't fit neatly under work or relationships or parenting but I've had good advice on this board previously.

I work FT in a project role. Have been PT 4 days per week for 5 years then had to go up to FT as project deployment coming up and I was snowed under. Project deployment has been a disaster, system not fit for purpose, issues not fixed by IT team for weeks and I have bourne the brunt of it as local lead while the regional team and leadership have been more removed. Appreciate that this is my job and I am paid well for it but it has been a relentless 3 months of fire fighting and stress and has been incredibly lonely at times.

In addition to this, DH who has suffered low level depression and anxiety for years had a complete breakdown at the start of September - parents had to come to stay as i was worried he would kill himself, practically catatonic, panic attacks etc. Throughout this he has continued to work and refused to be signed off sick which means work have received the functioning part of him and the family have what's left. He started sertraline 2 weeks ago which is making the anxiety much worse and is now waking me up in the middle of the night (I.e. 2am) wanting reassurance and to talk things through. I am hoping that after another couple of weeks this will start to settle down but I'm also trying to get him to get counselling but he's always too busy with work.

On top of this, DS (Year 3) is having a terrible time at school. He has been in trouble with head teacher for running out of the classroom during lessons. DH is having to carry him into the class and physically deposit him in the room. Some of his class need 1:1 support which isn't there so they are lashing out and fighting. I've been away with work for 2 days and he's been crying at break times which breaks my heart.

I dont know what to do. As a family we are in a total mess. All the focus is on DH understandably as he is struggling so much but I am exhausted and trying to carry everything else. If DH was functioning normally I would be looking to go back to 4 days per week or potentially moving down to 3 days to support DS and manage things at home (although work would potentially refuse). I cant concentrate at work because I'm so tried and juggling everything at home but I'm too nervous to ask for a reduction as this was a promotion and too worried that something will happen with DH and leave me as the main earner. Sorry, this is more of a download than a question but I don't have anyone to talk to as DH's anxiety is all consuming and he's working until 9pm most evenings.

In your situation I think I’d get my GP to sign me off sick for as long as it takes to get the home life stabilised. You never know - any cover provided might iron out the wrinkles in your project too.

Gosh, that sounds very draining indeed. What is your line manager like? If you trust them, do you think you could explain what is going on and then request a reduction in hours? They would have to be a bit of a monster not to understand how much pressure all this is putting you under. It sounds like the present state of affairs cannot continue much longer, for any of you.

Unless you do something for work which is so specialised it would be difficult to find anything else, I would not worry about putting that on the back burner for a time and focusing on your family’s and your wellbeing. Your job doesn’t love you: most workplaces are pretty cut-throat, and if they need to make savings they’ll have no issue dropping staff and all that loyalty is so often quickly forgotten. It’s important to remember this when you are giving so much of yourself to work. And you can never get time back once it’s gone; there is a temptation to think ‘oh in a few months everything will be better’, but what are you going to lose between now and then? How much have you sacrificed already, and how much more will you have to sacrifice?