Basically because I just can't be bothered. I want to be good, I want to excel, I wish I were different. But every day I start with the best intentions and then just let the day drift away from me. I achieve nothing, I am probably professionally negligent, I just can't make myself. I know people will think I'm being hard on myself, so let me stress: I am definitely not making this up or underestimating myself.
More by luck than judgement the last 3 or so roles I've had have been pretty self directed and lone, so I don't really report to anyone that often. I work at quite a senior level, but don't have anyone 'checking my homework' as it were. As a result I'm definitely less expert than I should be at my age/seniority.
Recently I got a new job fully remote - on this, it's definitely not ideal but I moved overseas and don't speak the language, so there is no way I can work otherwise (also note: lawyer, not qualified in new country and more than just rudimentary knowledge of the language would be required to work in it, I did try looking and didn't even get one interview for an in person job).
I don't think being fully remote necessarily helps me battle my natural hopelessness at getting sh*t done. But, I don't live anywhere near any colleagues. I don't have any friends in my new area yet so I don't have anyone to go and work with for accountability. I could go to a random co-working space, but I have a great set up at home so it doesn't make much sense.
Some hypotheses I have:
ADHD?
Lazy?
Wrong career? [I have a great quality of life so I don't want it to be this]
Depression?
Thyroid?
Perimenopause? early 40s
I'm living really healthily lately and that hasn't really helped. I have short bursts of energy and get loads done and feel great, this has always been the case. This happens at most for one afternoon per week, sometimes evenings. I know I could really do well in life / at this, so why don't I? I have been like this my whole life, absolutely catastrophic waste of any talents I may have.
I think the most likely is that it's ADHD and I need to be in a different career, one ideally where there is hardly any screen time and I have to interact with people face to face. But see above points about language etc. - I would have to take years out of a career to learn a language to then try something new in my mid 40s, meanwhile giving up a great situation/earnings/flexibility just because I can't discipline myself to get my ass in gear.
Is there any hope for me? Has anyone managed to turn this kind of situation around? I have complete flexibility, work in an intereting sector, see my children loads, earn well etc. I am literally not able to make the most of it and seem to be determined to fail.