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New job, house renovation and toddlers who don’t sleep!

9 replies

Jellybean001 · 30/09/2023 23:25

Hi I’m not really sure where I am going with this but needed somewhere to vent a little !

I’m a mum to two gorgeous children DS 3 and DD 1.5. I am currently working 4 days a week in a very demanding fast paced job. We have also taken on a huge house renovation.

I am very time poor. At the moment my son has changed nursery, been quite poorly and cannot bear to be away from me. He has been quite difficult lashing out to DD and biting, scratching and punching me. He WILL NOT go to be until well after 9pm (sometimes 10) even though we start the bedtime at 7:30 with bath and reading time. I actually cried in the office the other day as I’m averaging very little sleep. My partner says it’s my fault for not being harder on him.

I have started a new job which was meant to be slower paced and more flexible around childcare than my last job - however, I have been pushed into a role with much more responsibility than my initial job description - now line managing and advising on company structure, with an insane workload. My immediate boss is a nervous wreck and her energy really makes me feel down. She also has a habit of emotionally dumping on me when taking a walk at lunch. I am expected to work late and go on international business trips - which I did not agree to. They are also fighting me on working from home which was a key point I needed in flexibility to drop off collect from nursery. My boss has now stated that I never said these things, that I am lying and that I must go abroad due to business reasons. Unfortunately none of this was written down. Half my team is leaving at Christmas due to the terrible management. I am unhappy in my new role and don’t see it getting better.

We have taken on a huge house renovation - which while exciting - is a massive amount of work. We are doing the work on the only day my partner has off with the children (Sunday) as he works Tuesday to Saturday. This means I often have the children all day alone so he can focus on building work. We also work when we can most evenings well into the early hours. We are carefully managing our money to budget for works each month - so have very little left after the house renovation each month!

My partner is entering a very busy time at his work and often comes home very tired and grumpy. We don’t ever seem to get a break.

To say that I am exhausted is an understatement. Last week I felt so down and hopeless I couldn’t focus on my children on my day off. I have started job searching again for part time work / flexible hybrid arrangement but there is really very little out there in my field of work. I’m considering going back to teaching so I at least get the summer off with my children. This will have a dramatic cut to my pay however.

I guess I am looking for solidarity with other Mums trying to do it all - and to be told it will get better!! I have never felt so tired and lacking in energy in my whole entire life!

OP posts:
Moogoopixie · 03/10/2023 03:27

Can't have it all really you'll get though it's one of them things

mumyes · 03/10/2023 03:35

It sounds unmanageable. I would take control otherwise you'll get ill.

Your worn is unlikely to want to lose you, maybe just be up front that it's not working for you & not what you signed up for, and that you need XYZ for it to be sustainable. Be prepared to lose the job??

But yes, this does not sound sustainable long term.

RantyAnty · 03/10/2023 03:39

Does your DH really need to work 6 days a week? It's unfair you having to do everything.

Roselilly36 · 03/10/2023 03:42

That sounds really tough OP. What is stressing you the most? Work, kids or the renovations?

I agree with PP, it just doesn’t sound sustainable as things are. Sounds like your partner doesn’t get a break either, if on his only day off he is working on the renovations. Could you get some help with the renovations?

Your job sounds full on and misrepresented, if I was in your shoes, I would speak to HR or look for a more suitable post that will make family life easier.

Good luck OP, I had my two DS’ close it’s really demanding I know, but it will get easier, you won’t feel like this forever.

SueDonnym · 03/10/2023 05:42

Can you rethink the renovation . Wait until DCs are at school or at least older, just make it watertight and safe. Your only spare time is booked up indefinitely with this.

lifehappens12 · 03/10/2023 18:19

Hi, show of solidarity from here. No real solutions but my partner and I work full time with a 2 and 5 year old. My partner luckily was offered redundancy recently and took it so he is now taking 6 months off so we get a break as a family as it's so tough both parents working full time and we felt we were short changing the chidlren.

My partner is then often away at weekends (family reasons) so I work ft and then ft children at the weekend with no break. While doing all the chores that build up.

With your 3 old - some of this is a phase. My eldest went through terrible 3s not 2s where he used kick and hit me. Couldn't get hi. To bed before 9. He was still having a nap as I needed that time with the new baby so we cut the nap just after 3 and the sleep got so much better.

He was a much more easier 4 year old - hang in there.

Jellybean001 · 03/10/2023 19:12

Thank you for everyone’s comments. Sometimes it feels good to just feel heard. After having children and with the current sleep deprivation my confidence has taken a real knock. I’m trying to focus on the positives and plan / organise as much as possible to ease the load.

Good to hear it might just be a phase with my son not sleeping - Im really hoping so, as I don’t think I can go on too much longer with the current arrangement !!

I have such massive respect for working mums and anyone working 5 days and fitting in childcare / chores at the weekends - you are all amazing !!!

OP posts:
user1471503652 · 03/10/2023 22:38

Regards your sons bedtime being 9, sometimes 10, I may sound controversial here but why don't you just push him bedtime back an hour?

My daughter was always one for not wanting to go to sleep until much later from an early age, around 9-9.30 when all her friends were going down 7-7.30. I felt like I was a bad mum not doing an early bedtime. However, now looking back (daughter now 13 and has a wonderful attitude and relationship with sleep) I wish I hadn't fought it. It adds so much stress onto the evening, for everyone. When I just rolled with it life became so much less stressful. Some kids just don't need as much sleep, or earlier bedtimes as others.

Also, the lashing out will be a phase. It will soon be over, and the next phase will soon be along. Honestly, don't worry about it too much. I wish I could tell this to my past self.

Your whole life at the moment sounds very tough with everything happening at once, but it seems like the end result will be great with the house etc. Try to break things down into steps rather than looking at it all in one big mountain you have to climb

Rapunzel91 · 04/10/2023 11:00

Oh OP this really does sound like there’s too much going on and it’s not sustainable.

My DD was also one for not sleeping so I know exactly how you feel. Have you done sleep training? My DD didn’t sleep through the night until nearly 4 (!) but with sleep training she at least managed to fall asleep by herself so I got a bit of an evening to relax.

On the job, they sound like they’re massively taking advantage of you! Can you get in contact with some recruiters and she if someone can get you in contact with other roles?

Also, it’s not only your job to parent but also your partners so that comment from him is not on. Could he maybe take some annual leave days, eg once a week for the next few weeks so he can contribute at home?

Really hope it turns out easier for you x

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