I’m useless at work since having kids, anxiety overload

[MsFrog]

I cannot work out why I’m like this or what to do about it, and wondering if others who’ve been through this might have any tips.

Essentially, I love my job but since I had my second child (who is 3 in January, so a while ago now) I have found work a huge struggle. I’m massively ashamed of myself for this because I have it easy. I work in the NHS as an allied health professional. It is a job with a lot of elements – clinical decision making and administration (so much admin!), it’s emotional, it’s underfunded so it’s busy and can feel stressful – but I only work three days. My team and management are supportive and flexible, I’m able to work hours that facilitate pick-ups/drop offs for the kids.

But I am so, so anxious at work. I’ve had some sessions with the staff psychology service, which showed me that I likely have an anxiety disorder, or at least a great deal of anxiety stemming from childhood. I understand the reason for it, how it presents, even what the triggers are most of the time. But I cannot beat it.

I’ve just had a week annual leave, just to have some downtime from the endless work-life-work-life treadmill we are all on. I thought it would help to sort some things out in the house that are weighing on me, but I’ve come back this week and all the anxiety is still there. I become unable to do things, so things pile up – no idea how to avoid this happening, even though I know it does… I have terrible imposter syndrome, made worse by a memory and organisational skills that are not what they used to be due to ongoing poor sleep.

I just feel so frustrated. I love my job, really love it. But for nearly 2 years now it’s been making me so anxious, I’m starting to question whether I should even be doing it anymore. Then I get so angry because I feel like anxiety is going to take away a career I love and worked hard for.

Has anyone had terrible anxiety around work that’s continued for a long time despite working on it, and what did you do to alleviate it?

I'm in an almost identical situation. I work in a different bit of the public sector, but otherwise this is me word for word. I haven't resolved it, but I wanted to post for solidarity!

Is your time off really giving you a break? Is a week enough time for you to unwind?

I'm asking because I'm an introvert and, much as I love my family, spending all my spare time with them is a big mental effort alongside work. I am wondering if a longer block of leave (even unpaid parental leave) might help.

Thanks for responding, and sorry you're in the same situation @BeetBoxer .

I had two months off last year (Dec and Jan) coz I really hit the wall. That helped, in that life was lovely being at home, being able to do what I needed to for the kids and myself without running around like a headless chicken. But I'm sure everyone would feel better not being at work - the problem is I can't seem to balance work and life.

Yes, I'm massively introverted as well. My husband works from home and is rarely out of the house, so I'm never ever actually alone, which I do struggle with.

So, for you, do you think your struggles at work or more representative of general anxiety/struggling? Are you planning on taking a block of leave?

I'm not sure what to do to be honest! I think the work struggles reflect my personality and the fact that I'm never going to thrive when I am under pressure to constantly interact with other people. (I am actually quite a people person, but just can't cope with it non-stop.) Although I loved my job before, when I had downtime, now I don't. So I think for me it's about finding a different career, which might be in my organisation or elsewhere... Not sure yet!

Do you want to do your job long-term? I know you said you love it so I assume that's a yes?

I'm an AHP and moved from the NHS into the charity sector. I still get to do the job I love but it's very different stress wise.

I was exactly where you are. I was having counselling through work, I did two lots of CBT (via GP referral) and I was on medication for my anxiety too.

I absolutely loved my job (also NHS) but it was absolutely the trigger for my anxiety so after about two years of trying to cope I decided that enough was enough and I resigned.

I was so upset, not just because I loved my job, but because I also felt like a failure.

It was 3 months ago that I resigned and my anxiety is so, so much better and I feel like a different person. I still feel sad about giving up my job but in the end my health had to come first.

I feel you OP. Mum of two, introvert, nothing ever seems to stop and I feel exhausted at work so maybe aren't working as fast as I'd like, then catching up in my spare time which is a really bad idea. House is a tip. I feel like I'm an awful employee as everything is going out later than ideal.

I feel you. Not a parent but I’m finding a 5 day week far too much to cope with. I applied for a 4 day week job a while ago but didn’t get it 🙁. There’s not much around here that’s p/t and dropping a day isn’t an option in my job 😢.

Thanks so much for all your responses, it means an awful lot to hear how others have got on. Just at work now (shouldn't be checking MN!!) but will reply later.

I'm very much feeling the same. I'm a nurse in NHS and started to feel quite crippling anxiety about 6 months ago, I changed jobs thinking it was that but after 6 weeks in a new job with poor mental health, I for the first time in my career did not feel fit to practice so Dr has signed me off. I've been off a month and have been signed off for another. Being off is stressing me out more in some ways as I don't know what to do with myself, my kids are a bit older. I'm obsessively exercising and cleaning and applying for jobs in Starbucks!!
There's long waiting lists for all counselling but I have self referred. I'm maybe going to just pay to speak to a mindset coach as I think it's a mindset issue. I'm a single mum so need to do something to pay the bills but not sure what??
Have you thought about a coach OP?

Yes! Gave up a job I’d done and was qualified for for 10 years. Retrained as an ahp- worked for nhs, now another public sector organisation and tbh the anxiety: imposter syndrome has folllwed me all along- funny enough except during my degree which I thoroughly loved . I’m continuously questions whether a diffeeent job (currently thinking about moving back to the nhs), hours or work set up would work better.

Tbh I think my problem is having such high standards of myself- so I’ve left jobs mainly because I don’t think I’m doing well- not one other person has said that to me. So I think the key is going easier on myself- at home and at work. And recognise that juggling plates that I’m expecting myself to juggle is plain ridiculous x

This!! I also think I'm the problem and my not feeling good enough will just follow me. Not one employer has raised concerns about me and I when I've asked for a reference from past employers these last few weeks they've offered me my old job back!! This is why I thought this mindset coach might help instead of more counselling?

It’s worth a try isn’t it :) I had low intensity therapy when I started my current job as I really really struggled with it (it’s pretty much remote working and the organisation is known for offering very little support) and I found it helped me to rationalise things, come up with little solutions.

I am also terrible at asking for help- so I want to be able to do all school runs between my husband and I. We have family that could probably help out more regularly. Things like this I think would make my life so much easier and better but soemthing about me can’t ask for help.

m I’m really letting to just sit with the negative feelings I’ve got as I know that different job won’t answer all the problems (and starting a new job is exhausting). But it’s bloody difficult isn’t it!