Dealing with senior co-worker

[BumblePan]

I'm really struggling with a senior co-worker and I would appreciate a different viewpoint.

I get on well with my co-worker. We don't really talk about our personal lives, just the usual comments " Have a nice weekend" "Did you see the match" etc....

I am really struggling with our work-related interactions. We both have lots of experience, but he is the expert on a particular system and process.

It's really hard to explain, as this is so subtle.
When I ask a question, he is not clear with the answer, or picks holes in my question. I feel like my question isn't clear, so I reframe it and ask again...sometimes the conversation ends, but I am not clear on the answer and I give up asking.

Sometimes I feel that I am the problem, that my communication skills are poor and he doesn't understand. This has never happened to me before. I have trained lots of new colleagues ( on another system ) and recieved good feedback.

I keep my questions to the absolute minimum, so It's not an issue of time. My manager has often referred me to him with queries, which I dread.

I don't want to raise it at work, as I will seem bonkers as I can't call out a particular incident.

Has anyone experienced this before?

Can you email him with your queries instead?

I've worked with colleagues like this and it can be really difficult! I'd send an email if possible as it's quite wordy otherwise, as I try to include - what I'm asking, why I'm asking, and depending on the context, an example of how I'm going to use the information they provide so it's super clear what's needed. For example if it's an IT system question and they are the expert on that system, you can clarify that you are asking for x information because you have been trying to do y but cannot seem to make it work with z.

Then when you see their response written down, you can thank them and ask them to clarify or add information. As necessary.

That also gives them the opportunity to "pick holes" in your question but as it's written down, they are less likely to be arsey for the sake of it as their is a written track record of your reasonableness.

Thanks for the replies. It really helps knowing that I am not alone in this. I feel like I'm loosing my mind at times.
I have started sending emails, but I haven't had much success yet.
e.g. my email: I'm planning for an event that is taking place next week. When the delivery of coffee cups arrive, where should I store them?
The response: don't label the sugar and coffee until the coffee cups arrive.

Our work is very industry specific, so I have made up the example above.
In that case, I need to know what happens after the delivery and I don't need advice on anything else and my question remains unanswered.

It is really trivial, but it happens most of the time.
It feels good sharing xx

This sounds awful. Email is the way to go. With email you have a better chance if follow up.

so:

Time sensitive request (title)
Coffee Cup storage facilities after the 29th?
Him: unresponsive and irritating response.
You: thanks for the info. HIGHLIGHTED BOLDED QUERY STLL NEEDS RESPONSE

More than once and it really does make you feel like you're a bit dim.

Rather than answering the question you're left trying to read between the lines. Sometimes I've thought it's because they don't actually know but can't say so.

I have a situation like this with my boss. It's usually when he doesn't actually know the answer and rather than just say that he gives really confusing and jumbled answers that don't help at all. It's taken me three years to work this out though and my respect for him has all but disappeared over that time.

I don't really have any advice other than to ask someone else if that is possible? Or try and find the information online? Google is now my best friend after an interaction with boss that had me in tears he was so awful.

@AgnesX you've hit the nail on the head. I do feel really dim, which is strange as I have years of experience myself.
It has really knocked my confidence at times.

@HowMuchMore2 I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your boss.
You may be right and he doesn't have the answer.

If this happened to me I would assume that he didn’t know.

is there any way that you could get to the point where you don’t need to ask him things? Training course or practice or something?

Alternatively using your coffee cup example can you do “The coffee cups are arriving on Tuesday and I am going to store them in room A. If that’s not the correct treatment please let me know where you’d rather store them” Might get fewer irritating replies.

I feel your pain!
I had a similar director boss who was incapable of verbally articulating what I could understand he wanted from me.
It was so stressful and quite odd.

I avoided him as much as possible but at times I had to reframe my queries or repeat back to him what I thought he meant. It was draining esp as I was very experienced and knew my job.

Try email. Others have come up with good ideas for the email situation. I hope it helps to resolve the issues.

I would not email. This is a power struggle -type of scenario and he likely feels threatened by you.

I would just let him say whatever but in a very nice way keep repeating your questions until you extract the info.

I mean how long is it realistically going to take for you to learn where the cups go (etc.) and you won’t need to rely on him. A few months max.

He doesn't know the answers. Can you ask his boss instead?

I've been in that situation. My approach is:

Always put your question in writing.

Rather than ask "where should I store the cups" say "when the cups arrive, I am planning to store them in the cupboard. Is that correct? If I don't hear back from you by the time they arrive I'll go ahead and put them in the cupboard."

Suggesting an answer and making it clear you'll have to act with or without their input seems to get a better response than just asking the question. Gives them a model for the information you need, and confers some shared responsibility for a bad outcome if they fail to respond.

Doesn't matter if you have no idea what the answer could be. Just make something up. They'll enjoy correcting you.

Document everything you learn about the system/process. Share the documentation with others.

Having just one person who understands how something works and allowing that information to exist only in their head is an organisational risk.

I've spent far too much time over the years reverse engineering systems and processes because someone was hording all the knowledge. I now have a very low tolerance for that nonsense!

Just wanted to come back with an update.

I have taken all your advice on board and I am communicating by email. Our verbal communication is almost nil now.

I am much less reliant on my colleagues expertise now.
It's been a very frustrating process, but the email examples above have been really helpful.

It has really impacted my confidence, but I feel validated by the support here, and knowing that others have experienced this. It's so subtle, and I'm thankful that I am coming out the other side now.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and offer support xx

@CutGlassRaindrops Absolutely agree it's an organisational risk.
I am going to highlight this, when the opportunity arises.
I have started documenting our process and I have asked others to review it. It's a small step, but it's going in the right direction.

Do you think he just doesn't want to take instructions from you?

I've had that before. Older man asked the question eg Do we have to do this extra step.

Me - yes, its good to do this because of xyz.

And then he just asked another person the same question 🙄. He basically thought it was an unnecessary step but wouldn't accept my explanation.

I have a handful of colleagues like this. They are not playing power games, their minds just genuinely work in a very different way. It's hard to give advice without knowing your industry but I've found them better in three-way meetings as the second person can ask for clarification. Time consuming but necessary!

Yes I’ve had this as I work with a lot of technical stuff and some men just can’t accept that a woman might know what she’s talking about so they try to obfuscate.

get everything down in writing. Draw a flowchart if necessary. Use bullet points. Imagine you are asking the question to a 5 year old. Start copying in your line manager. He’ll get the point eventually. Took me 18 months to get there, and now he wouldn’t dream of trying to be difficult.

Oh yes I work with someone like this, we are on the same level but should ideally be coordinating what we do. It feels like wading through treacle a lot of the time! He misunderstands what I’m saying or suggesting, presumes I’m asking a different question, and gives me lengthy answers that are not relevant to what we are discussing. When we agree a plan a few weeks later he goes back to doing what we’ve agreed not to do.
No answers, I just try to not let myself get irritated.

Do you maybe not speak the same work language. I worked in a tech role. Non tech people would come at me with a vague request which amounted to I just want this thing, when you drill down into it they could never really elaborate on the purpose, or anything more specific beyond ‘they just wanted it ‘ but I needed a lot more info to proceed with the request. I’m sure my responses at times were interpreted as me gate keeping and being difficult. Could it be something like that.