managing difficult co-worker

[Newbiehe]

Hi,
Apologises for long post, first time poster here.

Having difficulties with a fellow co worker

So I'm a male in an admin position, and I have been in my current role for a just under a year, I'm well liked by my co workers and senior management, apart from one, there's this female there who also works in admin, she's in her 60s and she thinks I'm incompetent (I passed my probationary period and been given good feedback) so I don't believe I am incompetent, she used to be in a position of authority but now for whatever reason she's not and she is same rank as me, but that doesn't stop her from deciding she thinks she can tell me what to do and order me about, I've openly told her to her face I don't like how she speaks to me and she gave me a very long patronising speech about how she prides herself on professionalism etc, and since then she's been very cold about me and I have heard her bad mouthing me to colleagues behind my back, luckily my colleagues have noticed how poor she treats me so don't really take notice of her. Management is also aware and I have been praised by them for my professionalism when working with her.

Basically for somebody who apparently prides herself on being professional I believe she can not accept the fact that me 40 years her junior is there in the same rank as her and seeing the fact that she is no longer in that position of authority and she can not tell me what to do, hasn't stopped her trying however and she got told off by management before for trying to order me about, but she still tries! She refuses to listen to a word I am saying to her, which makes working with her on tasks very difficult (her problem not mine) she's very rude to me and abrupt when she does need to speak to me,

I've been told that she disagrees with a few aspects of my lifestyle, for example I become a father when I was just 14 years old (but I've always held down a full time job in between balancing being a father) so that has never ever affected me and my child is 12 years old now so old enough to walk himself to and from school etc and fend for himself alone at home so I don't miss work to drop or pick up from school, she has made it very clear to me in the past we should have had an abortion or better still not do that stuff at such a young age! (It was a mistake but we decided to keep the baby and me and his mum have worked hard to give him a stable upbringing) and anyway it is none of her business and I don't need tips from her.

Anyway she's decided because of that to form the opinion i am incompetent, and that she's somehow superior to me in every way (although she claims she's never a snob) and that she believes she is a firm professional, however some of the things she's done to try and show her superiority over me at work is anything but professional!

Any tips or advice how I can best manage this please? Management are aware and they along with my colleagues are mainly in my camp rather than hers, not that I want other people to get involved. I don't wish to make a formal complaint because that will make everything worse.

Thanks in advance apologies for rambling!

Write every single incident down, always, with times and dates.

I see her. She has made her entire, droll life about you.

Until she has walked a mile in your shoes she has no right to pass an opinion.

Next time speaks to you rudely, tell her to let go. Tell her to let go of her obsession and live her own life. You will both feel a lot better.

The fact that your management have praised you and aware of the situation is not good. They should be working to make things better

People who can't accept change have no place in a working environment, they should be managing her own if she can't work with a team.

Raise it and ask what their intentions are.

I don't wish to make a formal complaint because that will make everything worse.

It's already "worse", so I wouldn't even worry about that.

You need to file a formal complaint against this woman immediately. She is bullying and harassing you, and it needs to stop. Right fucking now. Having to constantly deal with this toxicity at work is totally unacceptable.

she has made it very clear to me in the past we should have had an abortion or better still not do that stuff at such a young age!

You should have filed a complaint the very first time she said this. She's horrendous.

I would ...
Avoid her like the plague
Keep my professional standards
Don't drop guard in front of her or give her bullets to shoot you with
Breeze past and ignore her
Speak to others by name and don't say her name
Do whatever you can to minimise this

In my experience people like this come crawling in the end, but too late.

It is a good lesson. Not everyone is nice and sometimes you're in close proximity to them. Do not expect them to change but do flex yourself and keep safe that way.

You've tried to resolve this informally by speaking to the woman herself and management.

It hasn't worked.

Write it all down and submit a formal grievance citing bullying and harassment and giving specific examples of what she has said and done. Also include details of what you and management have tried to do to resolve matters informally (to no avail) and names of colleagues who have witnessed her behaviour towards you stating that you expect them to be interviewed as part of the investigation.

It should all be investigated by an independent person more senior to you both.

She sounds extremely unpleasant and based on what you've written I would expect the outcome of the grievance to be formal disciplinary action against her - but you'll probably not be told about any action against her due to confidentiality.

Good luck and I hope you get this resolved soon.

What a nasty colleague. Well done for managing to ignore it but you shouldn’t have to and if management know about it, what are they doing?? Are they waiting for a complaint? It seems there are already witnesses to this behaviour and should be dealt with as a conduct issue.

if you do t want to make a formal grievance you can talk try informal action ie suggest mediation to meet and discuss issues. She can hear how her behaviour makes you feel. This will also show the business you’re being the bigger person in trying to resolve issues before they become formal.
however with the examples you’ve given you’ve every right to make a complaint!

id keep examples going forwards (dates, what was said, witnesses)

What everyone else has said - personally I would ask for mediation before filing a complaint, as @Whatyoutalkingabouteh says, you will look like the more mature and sensible person. In that conversation, you could also ask your line manager for advice on how they think you should manage it; this may also help down the line.

What I'd add is to go 'grey rock' with her. Don't tell her any more details at all about your life, your opinions or what you are doing on a Friday night. Just keep the conversation civil, but entirely on work matters. This will help a bit by starving her of ammunition.

Thanks for the replies all.

She's very careful what she says in front of others so whilst people can see she treats me very poorly it's not enough to qualify as bullying or harassment, but still they aren't idiots and they still see the fact she treats me differently to others.

Naturally as I person I say it how it is, I'm not scared of voicing my opinion, I am very blunt, with dry wit humour which I could suppose rub people up the wrong way, but everybody has got used to it now and they actually quite like it as it provides a different "style" so maybe she can't get used to that but that doesn't make it acceptable to tell me i should never have had a child at 14 years old because frankly what I did and the decisions I made 12 years ago are none of her business! And it certainly doesn't make it accept.

As far as I see it, if she wants to play that game with me then I will be playing that game with her as I can play it just aswell as she can. I will remain professional cos I won't stoop down to her level, but I will continue biting my tounge (which is against my personality) , I will never speak to her again unless necessary in the line of work and even then it will be very limited and when she tries to order and boss me about I will just say to her "I will not be taking any orders off you" if she's asks then its a different matter of course, but she doesn't ask, she tells me what to do and I'm not going to stand for it.