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Original poster

working mums, what sort of shitty comments have people have made to you, about the fact you work

77 replies

roboass · 27/02/2008 13:42

as i just had, abit of a run in with someone that made me feel like im a partime mum and not there for my baby.how do you cope with the variuos comments made to you.
i was also told by someone i work with, i don't know why people have kids if they don't want to bring them up.
and as my job isn't that great and its someone i work with i couldn't even give it all the bravado of oh well i enjoy my job blah blah,because none of us that work at my place like it or love it.

do you think,to others [that you do not work with]its best to put on a confident front?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 27/02/2008 15:35

only a few - sadly my mother went through a stage just after I had gone back to work when she would look very sad and say to me "isn't it a shame that you can;t be with DS" and "I think his language is delayed because of CM" etc she stopped when I told her it was upsetting me and particularly pointless given a) DS was just fine and b) I didn't have any choice.

Very few people comment appart from on here.

Original poster
roboass · 27/02/2008 15:35

that is so low, is she normally such a cow tdw?

OP posts:
pepperpots · 27/02/2008 15:38

From Ds1 teacher - So... DS this is mummy it's nice to finally meet you!! wtf????

I have been to parents evenings and on the odd occasion I am not working i take/pick him up from school. Not like i have never stepped foot in the damn place

TheDullWitch · 27/02/2008 15:45

No, Roboass, she s normally lovely. Just not blessed with tact.

micegg · 29/02/2008 05:35

As you can tell from the time I cant sleep:

SAHM telling me she was using an after school club becuase she had recently moved areas and had one child at school in the old area and the ohter child at school in the new area.: "They've let me pay a reduced fee because I genuinely need the place at the after school club rather than just because I work".

"Don't you miss DD. I could never leave my DD at nursery".

Just returned to work and was commenting on how I had bought myself some new jeans with pay packet: "I think it's only right working parents should buy themselves something as after all they do have so many sacrifices to make."

"you work"

My mum "why dont you get an evening job stacking shelves in Sainisburys then you wont need to leave DC during the day" That will be beause I worked hard for 3 years to get a good degree at a good university and have worked in my field for nearly 10 years.

SIL "Poor DD is too young for nursery". This is coming from the woman who has never worked and has lived off benefits for the last 10 years and doesnt seem to comprehend that we wouldnt qualify for any type of help if I didnt return to work.

All these comments used to upset me but I have learnt to have a thick skin.I normally don't enter into conversations about it I just tell them I work and leave it at that. However, if they comment my standard reply these days is "We are happy with our arrangements and dont feel the need to justify what we do. After all I havent commented on your choices". Seems to shut most up.

FairyMum · 29/02/2008 07:11

We had some negative comments from MIL about nursery when I first went back to work and she worried that "forced" DH into being too involved in the childcare and it would affect his job. She soon saw how happy we all were and how our children enjoyed nursery and she has since told me she wished SHE could have worked when DH was a child, but she didn't have the opportunity. She also thinks my SIL who stays at home should go out to work and that nursery would be good for her children, so MIL has totally changed her tune.

swiftyknickers · 29/02/2008 07:47

this isfunny-people are dicks aren't they?!

My 'friend' from babygroup said to methe other day 'we all think your soooo brave swiftyknickers' when i asked oh whys that 'we really couldn't leave our children in a nursery,have heard all sorts but good for you'

just to add she is a stupid cow who is so obsessive about her DS that she is at the doctors at least 2x a week.

needless to say i smiled sweetly and said well i do have to provide for my family andi would really rather boil my own head than come to a toddler group every day and eat too many biscuits!!! and walked offknowing full well that herlife revolves around toddler groups and the doctors

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

have only had negative responses from other women interestingly enough

Kewcumber · 29/02/2008 09:19

swifty - agree about the woman thing - but I'm not sure that men care enough about what you do with your childrne to care!

cmotdibbler · 29/02/2008 09:29

Some of the worst comments I have had are from men actually. Prob just the usual problem that they speak without engaging brain, but stuff like 'Oh, I never wanted my wife to work. Its just so important that she'd there for the kids' and this weeks 'was that your baby on the PC ? How can you bear to go off and leave him ? How does he cope when you're away ?'.

Have had and heard plenty from women too. Personally, I don't give a flying f**k what others think about our life - it works for me, DH and DS, and thats all that matters.

WallOfSilence · 29/02/2008 09:32

My childminders MIL once said to me: "Why do you want to be running to uni, you're a bit old for all that nonsense aren't you?"

My mum said to me: "Why don't you go & get a nice job in a shop or something, forget about this uni nonsense."

And I haven't even started work yet!!

bossybritches · 29/02/2008 12:39

My BIL grumpily to me....as DH shot off to do school run & I shot off to work.

"seems all about face to me- him doing the childcare & you working"

The fact that DH is a shift worker so some days the only way he gets to see the DD's is by doing the school run (& he enjoys it!) didn't occur to him!

I managed to get in " ah well we're a modern multi-tasking household partnership these days dear!!"

His SAHM wife has since gone back to work & now he shuts up on that front!

Thing is WE all know we are doing what we need to for our kids & we KNOW we've chosen the best combination of childcare we can.....but the old guilt -chip that's implanted at birth still twinges when someone has a go doesn't it???

Mumcentreplus · 29/02/2008 12:43

Don't really have negative comments ...most of the people I work with have children...actually I felt pressure to return to work if anything...

OrmIrian · 29/02/2008 12:48

cmot - I agree. Some of the worst are the younger men I work with. I think they are envious - I manage to do the lot so in theory we have more money, their wives don't...or so they think. They don't see the chaos in my home or the fact that my DH don't get his sandwiches made for him and his tea isn't on the table when he gets home. They don't realise how lucky they are.

legalalien · 29/02/2008 12:57

cmot and Orm - strangely I get the opposite - male law firm partners who feel the need to confide in me that they wished their wives worked / they want to know how I manage to juggle my job /they find the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner stressful. And I haven't had any negative comments about working. So I guess all the unjustified criticism is evenly spread about the place.....

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/02/2008 12:58

'dd is such a well balanced considering she never sees her mother!'

'you must see that when you are gallivanting round the world on "business trips" (said with the finger waggle) you are neglecting dd'

'just think, you missed her first word, her first tooth cutting, her first steps, all because you have to have a career'

Various family members over the year, partially responsible for my moving 150 miles away from most of them. My mum, however has been great, even though she comes out with snippets like 'mums should be at home with thier babies' when she knows I went back to work when dd was 3 months, however these are just thoughtless moments and not deliberate barbs.

The comment about missing dd's 'first' moments made me howl. Of COURSE I missed all that, and someone else was the first to see it. I HAD to go to work, you fucker, in order to pay the bills. I am sure they would had a wonderful Daily Mail diatribe if I decided not to work, would then have been a single, teenage mother on income support and would have deserved another level of slagging off.

Rah rant over.

crokky · 29/02/2008 13:03

roboass, some people are just plain rude and can't understand why anyone does things differently to the way they do things. I am a SAHM, but that it because it is the best decision for our situation. Everyone's situation is a bit different, sometimes very complicated and you just have to do what is right for your own family. It is idiotic to think that all mothers should stay home and equally idiotic to think that all mothers should go to work - the fact is all mothers need to make the best decision they can.

I take a lot of crap from people re negative comments. My MIL tells me I am "living off DH" and I have been asked "what do you do all day". You can't win either way!

Bink · 29/02/2008 13:05

No negativey comments whatsoever. Though it's a matter of personal perspective really - eg I've described my children as "a credit to" the nanny who was with us for 3 and a half years - don't think I'd see that as negative. (But then there's ways & ways of delivering that sort of remark, I suppose?? )

It might be relevant that I (and, I think, quite a lot of the other people who've also said they don't get negative comments) work in a professional, fairly-highly-educated sort of environment - so that people have their Ignorance Filter operating effectively & are able to suppress rubbish before it leaves their mouths. I think if Roboass can she should just apply an Ignorance Filter to her ears - and simply not hear the comments.

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 29/02/2008 13:05

the only person I know who snipes about this is my mother. Apparently children "need" their mothers at home, not "things". This from a woman who bitched continuously about dad's failure to provide "things", and who is only on speaking terms to half her adult children.

cmotdibbler · 29/02/2008 14:20

My commentators are often very highly educated professionals, so who knows. They largely do not earn huge (in lawyer or broker terms) amounts of money, but I have no idea whether thats a factor.
However I had comments about my business travel from people before we had DS (how does your DH cope when your're away etc), so maybe its a bit of a cultural thing with the type of people I get to interact with.

anniemac · 04/03/2008 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sunshinemummy · 04/03/2008 11:54

Only negative comments I've received have been about me working full-time, never about working as such. Mainly things like 'oh you have to work full-time' followed by a sad face.

anniemac · 04/03/2008 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

eleusis · 04/03/2008 15:50

When male colleagues make sexists remarks about my children's welfare, I usually say "don't worry your pretty little head about it".

I went into work to attend a meeting when DD was 3 weeks old. One of theys nudged another guy right in front of me and said "Did you hear that? 3 weeks old and already at the childminder." I was so mad I couldn't speak. I never forgave him. It was almost 5 years ago.

eleusis · 04/03/2008 15:57

Some other potential responses:

1- Perhaps you should work on your work ethic?
2- Why should I choose between two accomplishments which I am perfectly capable of achieving simultaneously?
3- Staying home is man's work in my house.
4- How long was your paternity leave? (if speaking to a man)

millie865 · 04/03/2008 17:04

I think that whatever women do there are people who will find something to criticise. Go back to work and you are a crap mum. Stay at home and you are lazy. Work part-time and you are placing an unfair burden on all the full-timers....

Personally I find the 'why have children and not bring them up yourself?' line slightly odd. Where does that leave the vast majority of men who have children and work full time?

But I also think that sometimes people (particularly other parents) say things that are about justifying their own position rather than trying to be hurtful. For example a friend of mine, still smarting about some stupid comment about WOHMs made by a colleague went into a rant on a night out about how even if she could afford it she wouldn't want to stay at home and have her brain turned to mush, which deeply upset another friend who was a SAHM.