Is this sex discrimination? Help

[worriedatwork123]

I'm finding myself constantly on edge and anxious about work which is affecting my mental health, motivation and impacting my performance.

I have been in this role 10 months and have never felt like this before. i have a highly respected work history and reputation but feel like i've ruined it taking this post

I'm in a senior position reporting directly to the board working on a specialist project. Since day 1 very little direction or engagement or support for what I've been bought in to do. Poor culture and practices which have made me lose trust in the company and i know what Im supposed to be doing won't ever work properly because of this and i'm expected to do it entirely alone.

Taking that aside i've been starting to feel increasingly uncomfortable in board meetings. I am the only woman and directors often talk about other women in the company in terms of their looks - jokes that poor performers are ok because they are 'fit' or that another woman is so unattractive 'even you wouldn't go there' and picking women that are considered more attractive for roles. The last meeting was worse when a woman was called a whore who needed sorting out. Mostly - smaller group saying these things but all laughing. There's never been any comments about me to my face but I can only imagine what they might say behind closed doors. There's a little bit of belittling me and my experience - eg giving me a very basic task and calling it a little project for me etc

I always thought i'd leap on this kind of thing but i've sat there shocked instead - frozen I'm used to supportive, collaborative and respectful environments where people act professionally so it's taken me aback and as time has gone on it's got worse

Started off this role so positive and up for a challenge but the culture and knowing they say these things is affecting me more and more. I'm reluctant to engage more than I have to with these people and really should be doing that a lot more to push my project forward but they have me nervy and on edge i'm losing confidence.

I am looking for another post but am struggling to focus and stay at work - worried about having this short role and a poor reference damaging my career as i haven't been able to achieve what i know i could if the environment was less toxic.

I'm not really sure where to go with this - there's no way a grievance or take to hr approach would have anything but a detrimental effect on me

Does anyone have words of advice on how i can get through this period - I'm struggling to focus at work with the anxiety and dread and can't just leave as i have children a mortgage etc.

That is definitely discrimination and is not right.

keep notes on what people say and when
talk to ACAS about whether it is feasible to make a claim
look for other jobs as much as possible

in the meantime, i'd practice silent black looks every time someone says something like the examples. And remind yourself that you are going to move on to something better.

when you leave, put a review on GlassDoor about how awful they are.

Agree. Keep detailed notes. Join a union. Sorry you're going through this OP

Bloody hell yes.

As others have said take notes. Call ACAS or an employment lawyer.

I would leave. They are the board. They are not going to listen to you. Sorry. Cut your losses and find a nicer place that appreciates you.

But yes this is absolutely horrendous and unacceptable.

thanks - it's validating to hear i'm not overreacting here

just need to get another post before i crumble

It sounds horrendous @worriedatwork123. I feel for you. Sad that there are dinosaurs around like this in the 21st century.

As previous posters have said, make sure you make copious notes. I'd actually put all the appalling comments in a spreadsheet with dates and who said what. Obviously keep any written evidence too (if they're arrogant enough to be this sexist in writing). It's important to keep a record in case they come after you for poor performance (given what you've said in your opening post) because then I'd go straight down the grievance route and lawyer up (with the aim of them paying you off - and that would also mean you agree a neutral reference). I know that sounds like even more stress but it's worth keeping a record just in case the worst happens and you need to go down this route. Better safe than sorry - protect yourself.

thank you @HundredMilesAnHour

i have notes/ dates of what's been said but nothing in emails so lack of evidenc r

Is there a whistleblowing policy?
a way to make an anonymous complaint to HR?

If you get to the point where you need an employment lawyer, PM me. I can recommend a fantastic partner in an employment law practice. He isn't cheap but he'll wipe the floor with them.

thank you @HundredMilesAnHour that's really helpful

yes there is a WB policy and HR is outsourced but there is no way a grievance would be treated with anything but incredulous contempt which would be detrimental to me so I have reached conclusion i will have to leave and then think about raising concern

so I have a final interview - i'm absolutely desperate for this job so please please please manifest it for me (even though i'm not a huge believer in that but i really need some good vibes)

not been shortlisted for another despite having a call which sounded positive but hey ho

nothing else on my radar to apply for and i'm hanging on by a thread

i think i'm being ignored now - sent a few queries about the project and some briefings & costings i'd done for review. They just don't respond or even acknowledge leaving me chasing again. Makes me not work productively at all as whilst i'm happy to lead and have some autonomy the lack of collaboration is getting me so down as well as dread for the next formal meeting.

it's a small pool at final interview so 3-4 of us i think. I really think i'm going to crumble if this one doesn't pan out and actually the role sounds really interesting albeit a pay cut (don't care)

Keeping my fingers crossed for you @worriedatwork123

Meanwhile keep documenting everything, just in case you end up needing it.

yay I got offered the job today

the relief is immense ......no red flags from new employer, interesting project work and a team that seem to talk to each other. Smaller company but have done some research and asking around and they are well regarded and act professionally so have accepted and hopefully women won't be called whores in the boardroom. (a sentence I never ever thought i would say).

i also been shortlisted for another job which really was my preferred option but they're moving so much slower than company that has offered - but of a quandary now

am also rather nervous about having the resignation call - i need a reference so can't really say what i want? Any thoughts ?

Massive congratulations! Get what you need before you say anything. I'd be so tempted to email in list form all of their comments to the boss/board. Maybe it would strike a chord if they saw it written down. I probably wouldn't comment on it either- just leave them looking at their own words.

They need holding to account in some way, and you will look back on yourself with dissatisfaction if you let them get away with it ( I am speaking from experience)

definitely use the whistle blowing policy, you may prefer to wait until you have left, but do it!

good luck in your new job

Don't worry about a reference. These days it is just 'x person worked here from this date to that date"
Congratulations on the new job! Onwards and upwards.