Advice from wise MNetters please!

[KateF]

This is going to be a bit long but please bear with me as I have no-one else to ask for opinions! I am a basically SAHM (3dds aged 8,6 and 3) but work 2 mornings a week in a pre-school. Out of this I pay for school-hours care from a childminder for dd3 and have been doing voluntary work. This has now ended and what I really want to do is go back to the charity I worked for years ago before having dd1. I know from experience that I will need to volunteer regularly to be in on the chance of paid jobs coming up in the future. I am very willing to do this but dh wants me to go for teacher training so I can get a "proper job" with a "decent salary". I do not want to be a teacher, he is not willing to help with childcare and we have no family to help out. Is it selfish to follow my heart, at least for a while, and hope I can get back into the work I loved. I am willing to keep on the pre-school job and pay for travel and childminding out of it.

Definitely don't becoma a teacher if you don't want to. Have you read some of the threads from teachers on here? And they wanted to do it! Seriously, dh is a teacher and it really does take over your life for the first few years at least. If you can manage financially if you do things your way, then stick to your plans. Your dcs are still quite young and if all the childcare is left to you, you have enough on your plate already.

Exactly nicky-I just know that teaching is not for me. I quite enjoy the pre-school but wouldn't want to do it full-time and not for the rest of my working life. We are fortunate that dh is earning a comfortable salary but he would like me to earn enough for him to retire early . He is not really interested in the logistics of managing the childcare issues-just wants me to earn money! Having given up my career (because dh did not want dd1 in childcare) I cannot get him to realise that I am never going to be a high earner. I just want to work (for my own sanity so a bit selfish there I agree) and in a job that I enjoy.

Have you considered becoming a nursery nurse? My cousin retrained as one after her 2 girls went to school and loves it. I think it was 2 years at college. The pay is not huge, but she brings in about £17k now, so better than a kick in the teeth! that is Scotland - not sure of the pay in other areas.

btw, should point ou that i am not wise, as per thread title. lol.

Why is he so set on you being a teacher? Is it so he can say "my wifey ia a teacher dontcha know"?
You HAVE pointed out that it's 2008 and women get to choose their own career and men kind of get involved with child care etc?

Yes Iklboo-have pointed it out many a time and done itemised lists of childcare costs etc. Like banging head against a brick wall and yes I do know that it highlights problems in our relationship but that's a separate thread lol. Over the years I have learned to just get on with things and that's why I posted - I feel like just organising the childcare and presenting him with a fait accompli but am aware that there have been other threads where the poster has been told she is selfish for just getting on and doing something. I am desperate to start working my way back into a fulfilling work life and getting no support whatsoever.

Also thanks nicky for replying . I could do nursery nursing as have NVQ3 level in Pre-school Practice but I just know that I don't want to be in this line of work foe ever.

Nae bother, Kate. i don't think anyone would think you are selfish. you are looking after your kids and working and you are not too skint. Why shouldn't you hope for a fulfilling job in the future? I know how you feel as i have never had a fulfilling job either, but hope to do so when ds and any future siblings are at school.

You can't be a teacher if you don't want to - it's not that kind of job. You just cannot under any circumstances do a job you don't love if you don't need to. Time is too precious, don't do it.

i work in fundraising and find that this sector seems to be quite women/child/family friendly

why would you have to go back as a volunteer?

get yourself onto the Third Sector website and the Guardian and see what is out there

nothing at all selfish about wanting to follow the career of your choice either

DH said to me the other night he had thought of the ideal job for me which is apparently a journalist

you need to tell me a little more about the charity work tha you want to do toallow me and othrs to comment

i dont think its unreasonable for your Dh you effectively sa " come on love giz a hand and dont leave all the career stuff to me"

for most of us going to work isnt something we love to do its a necessity.

however he cant force you do chose a career you dont want to do - i dont think he should have to wait around for you to get voluntary hours in to enable you to get the job of you dreams - i think you are being a bit unreasonable too

wednesday is the charity and voluntary section in the guardian jobs - which you can access online.

is it charities perse - or not for profit?

i work in a charity/not for profit social landlord and have been community worker and worked for large government funders - so maybe i could help a little?

you ca try to get a job in something you would like but i think you are being unreasonable to hold out for the job of your dreams whilst your dh is doing all the earning.

Kate if you have worked for this charity before and have also done volunteering why would you need to be an existing volunteer to be in with a chance of a job there? It sounds as though you have good experience to me.

Agree about sector being fairly family friendly IME

Depending on what the job you want is, find out how it's normally recruited to, are there regular agencies they use for it, do they advertise in Third Sector or similar, do they have a website with vacancies on? Same for other charities you may be interested in.

If it's the place you used to work, do you know anyone there who could tip you the wink about upcoming vacancies? Sometimes contacts of existing employees are welcomed as applicants when vacancies might only be at internal application stage and occasionally employees might get a bit of a bonus if someone they recommend is recruited.

I suspect your husband thinks that being a teacher will mean that your hours will fit in perfectly with your DDs' schooling, and no paid childcare and no extra effort from him will be required. I can tell him to think again, and I'm just a teacher's daughter ... I'm sure there will be actual teachers along at some point to say much the same (possibly with extra !!!s and gratuitous slights against his intelligence thrown in).

And really, foisting a teacher with no passion for the job onto impressionable kids, just so she can have a 'decent salary' and her husband can shirk the childcare? Now that IS selfish.

I used to work as a fundraiser/project officer for this particular charity and have always dreamed of going back there. It's something I passionately believe in which matters more to me in a job than money (and yes I do know that that's a luxury). I know that once there opportunities do come up and it is an ideal place to work as v.family friendly, flexible with regard to sick kids/holidays etc. Plus I know a lot of the people I used to work with are still ther.

Iam the speedingham-I'm glad you came in there because those are the issues I need to work through. You see I agree in part with what you say but on the other hand I gave up my career because dh did not want me to work, I have supported him to get as far as he has in his career (including moving house twice) and do absolutely all childcare and home-related tasks. he is totally focussed on his career and does exactly as he pleases. I want to get back to work I just want the luxury (and I accept that it is so) to choose what to do.As I have said we are not badly off because I have given him every chance to advance his career.

Have to take dd3 out now but please add more comments. You are really helping me to clarify my thinking. I must make a decision and get back to work soon-I have been at home for nearly 9 years and need to work now.

oh ok - the slave to my husbands career thing is an anethema to me - as i think support goes two ways - if you didn't want to be a SAHM and were kinda fitted into that role - but if you did want that role then using supporting wifey as an excuse isn't on really.

maybe if you are loaded and he is a work obsessed freak then maybe you shoud be aforded this luxury - who knows

i think i am unsure of the question

you hae played housewife to the point of martyredom so your dh can have the best career possible for him.

now the kids are of an age where you can work and he is tlling you to go into a career you dont want to go into so he can retire early?

if money isn't a problem - tell him to kiss your arse.

Wow you are blunt aren't you! However you have about summed it up and I probably will do just that.

And actually I didn't want to give up work, had intended to go part-time but had dreadful PND and was heavily pressured. But obviously am ultimately culpable as I wrote the resignation letter. Have been struggling to get back into work ever since but on/off depression and 3 kids have made life hard. Am only just finding the strength to say "sod it I will do what i want to do".

KateF you know the answer already don't you.

Where you working in the charity sector when you met your DH ? If so then presumably you weren't earning megabucks then and presumably it wasn't an issue at the time. What then has changed except you seem to have the sole responsibility and cost of childcare for your 3 children.

Can you give yourself a time limit say 12 -24mths to get a paid position, and then rethink at that stage if it hasn't worked.

Actually though I'm kinda with Iam... aka Cod.

Ah, didn't realise it was cod! Yes I was working in the charitable sector when I met dh. It wasn't a problem to him then as it turned out he had every intention of me giving it up fairly soon. What has changed is that he no longer wishes to have a SAH wife but a working one but in a job he approves of which requires no changes to his life. Writing it down has made me see that if I am willing to do the organising of the children and pay for the childcare out of my pre-school pay then there is no reason why I shouldn't. I do think the 12-24 month option is a good one though and shall obviously keep on the job I have at present.

btw cod we are not loaded but are fortunate in that dh's pay covers our outgoings, I pay for the kids extras and have never been a big spender on clothes etc.

Er actually maybe its not Cod, I get confused sometimes...

Spelling a bit good for cod possibly?

custy