What did you do after Mat leave?

[EchoAlpha]

I’m in an industry which requires hard work, long hours and dedication for you to succeed. I’ve always been career driven and worked hard to get to where I am

I am probably one of the youngest people to have a child in my team (my manager even told me to not think about having another kid soon, unless I want to commit career suicide).

I know I want to try another role but my question is: what do I do next?

1. Go in to something that pays more but will require even more hours. My husband is very supportive and all but I know this will be difficult. The thing is I’ve always wanted to try this sort of company out and I feel like this is the next step in my career but maybe it’s only really feasible without kids.

2. Take a pay cut, focus on being a mum and maybe have another. Once I’ve done this for a few years, I can maybe go into a role in category 1 later on down the line. My fear with this is that I would be sabotaging my career.

Is this the kind of sacrifice women have to make?!?! It would be good to hear what others did!

Thanks

What's your definition of career success?

I got a job share in order to stay at a decent level but go part time. I also stayed in the job for a number of years which I should really have moved on from but it offered part time and great flexibility.
I decided when my children were young, for those few years, I wanted to spend time with them. But I'm in an industry where majority are women and can still climb the ladder after few years prioritising DC.
Definitely not career suicide. Is your manager always that dramatic?

@swanling - very good question. I guess not taking a pay cut, enjoying what I do and being a “boss”. So, for example, in a investment bank - director level, in a law firm - partner, a consultant with my own business…

@ErmentrudeTheCow - lol, yes my boss is very dramatic. I’m starting to realise that many women do compressed hours or work part time after having a child/children. If I go for 1 - I might be able to find a role for 4 days a week but it won’t really be 4 days a week. Maybe I should take a step out of the rat race for a few years and focus on my kids…

I stayed full time and took a promotion shortly after my child turned 2. It was hard work and long hours but I loved it and it got my confidence up - I was quite new to the industry when I got pregnant.

I wouldn’t underestimate how long disturbed sleep continues for.

My DS was a good sleeper after we sleep trained, but even so, wake ups of 5.30/6am, distributed nights when ill or teething are still not a thing of the past (he’s 2 now).

The sleep deprivation definitely affects my ability to concentrate, and I feel like I’m not as sharp as I used to be.

Also long hours plus commute means you might not see very much of your DC in the week. I’m lucky that I work from home, 4 days a week, finish at 4.30, collect him and then we have 2 hrs before bed at 7.

Every one is different of course, but minimising the stress is much more important to me than advancing my career at this stage in my life.

*disturbed nights

I used AL to return part time for a while, then went back full time compressed hours spending one day a week with DD. Got a promotion a few weeks after returning. Got pregnant again a few months later and have taken the full year off. Am planning a similar return... although I expect it'll be about a year before I see promotion again due to restructuring. I am considering dropping to 4 normal days just to reduce my stress levels and get a bit more time to myself in the morning but we shall see.

Compressed hours is fine because you're still working full time hours and many parents do this in order to work four days.
But be very wary of a part-time 4 day a week post. I know so many people who have done this after Mat leave and they're basically still doing a full time job as no-one is picking up the other day, but only being paid for 30 hours!

Returned full time when my DC was 8m old. I did consider returning part time, but I know way too many mums who on paper have returned part time but still have ended up doing full time hours, but for part time pay.
It was very hard, but glad I did. It's been 5y since I returned and have been promoted 3x since then.

I moved from a large corporate to a more accommodating public sector role on 0.8 FTE but worked my hours over five days, so I could leave at a reasonable time for nursery pick up but I was in 5 days a week and therefore wasn't seen as being part time. I only went full time when I got divorced.

I had my first DC at 28, nearly 2O yrs ago, and couldn't make it work even working part-time as my job including commute was 7am-7pm, DH worked away a lot and local nurseries didn't stay open that long/late back then.
I went freelance to work flexibly (compressed hours/job share was unheard of in my industry) and carried on when DC2 was born, right through the primary school years, including a stint overseas with DH's job.
I've worked FT for about 7 years now, in a full-on career again and loving it, but I'm not quite as far ahead career-wise as I'd have been if I hadn't gone freelance.
Any regrets? Not one.

It's very very hard to work long hours with young DC. Just logistically, never mind the emotional side of missing seeing your children, and the tiredness (which is bone crushing).

Personally, I've decided to take a few years to do the essentials and not worry about promotions. I don't have the interest, brain power or energy to be going the extra mile.

My best friend is a partner in a big law firm. She's up at 5:30 cooking and working before the kids are up and then still working at 10:30pm. She does have the seniority to flex her hours to get dinner and bedtime most days. I honestly don't know how she keeps going, she's remarkable. So it is doable but it sure ain't easy.

Whichever route you take, you will need your partner fully on board - pick ups, drop offs, sick days, sleepless nights, admin, mental load, cooking, cleaning. He needs to be on board with all of it or you will flounder.

What is your DH going to do? How is he going to balance paid work with his family responsibilities?

I went part time and I’m struggling with it. My performance pre baby was great. Now I can’t reach the same standard and there’s just not the support you need when part time at the company I’m in. So I’m doing a course and going to change jobs likely next year to something totally different. I’ll be very honest and say I find working and having a young toddler really really hard. I literally am exhausted only part time and feel like my employer thinks I’m a cop out now i can’t get the same results as I previously did. I have no family support only nursery and I think both DH and I are finding it really hard being parents and trying to keep two careers going!!! I don’t know how other people do it. I feel like young kids and working aren’t compatible tbh. It’s v depressing. Good luck to you xx

I went back part time, Covid happened so furlough and then redundancy, found another PT role. DC are neurodivergent and it is killing me working and managing their needs and killing DP working to earn enough to pay for their needs.

I'll likely quit work soon, so much for a career but I managed to have it for 8 ish years.

I returned to my demanding role for six months but then moved on, side stepping into something a little different, with a 3% paycut, but no expectation of working outside 9:30-5:30pm.

Is there anything you can do for the next few years as a stop gap until you are able to dedicate more time to your career again? For example, if you’re a private practice lawyer could you go in house for a few years?

I was lucky DC was an excellent sleeper and fairly easy going but those first six months were tough, especially as DC caught every nursery bug going.

@DoesItHaveKosovo - noted, thanks!

@Hazelnuttella - very fair point. I have started to notice that quite a few companies are asking people to come into the office more days a week. I’m starting to think sacrificing a few years of my career isn’t such a bad move…

@headcheffer - noted, thanks!

@ErmentrudeTheCow - I definitely know part time in my industry doesn’t work the way it’s meant to. Also compressed hours doesn’t work because I don’t technically have set hours. If I did part time, it would just be because I might be able to push out some tasks until my next working day but still earn good money.

@SpottyUnicorn - wow thanks! What would you say made it hard? If you did it again now, is there anything you would do differently?

@MrsMontyD - see this is like my option 2… then return back to corporate life when the kids are a bit older. It’s just I know my career could take a hit moving like a public sector role and also my salary will be affected.

@Gherkingreen - I have really toyed with the idea of contracting. I think I would enjoy the flexibility and can still make good money. Only thing is I would miss out on any maternity pay benefits if we were to have another. I don’t know if it’s sensible to do that and then have to put pressure on myself to work (I’m the highest earner)

@JenniferBarkley - thanks so much, noted. I’m guessing your best friend had children a bit later? People in that industry tend to work hard in their initial years, have kids and then make it work because their more senior, can afford 24/7 child care or can afford for their partner not to work again.

@LadyLapsang - I guess continue what he’s doing. He works in the public sector so things are a lot more flexible for him. He works from home majority of the time and can sort out working compressed hours in a second. Also he doesn’t think about career in the same way I do…

@babyproblems - thank you for your honesty. Much appreciated. Sorry to hear you’re struggling. It’s definitely one of things that should be openly discussed before people have kids. I’m doing a course whilst on mat leave, as I have toyed with the idea of leaving what I do after Mat leave and would like the option to do so (even though I don’t really want to). So difficult!

@olderthanyouthink - wow! Massive respect to you!

@mobear - thanks. I’m guessing when you moved jobs the prospect of having a raise decreased too?
Using the example you gave, whilst moving in house is possible, it is hard (not impossible) to move back to private practice. And the longer you are out the harder it is to come back in. Then the person gives up prospects of being a partner and is stuck with being a GC at most, hitting a glass ceiling when it comes to pay increase and promotions… I’m sure you can tell which industry I’m in now!? 🤣

@EchoAlpha The side step I took actually has more long term prospects and I’m doing some training with my new found time (now DC is a little older) to secure my future. I expect to earn more in the long run but having a child forced me to reassess and slow down a little which I might not have otherwise down as a pay cut is always painful.

Re the hypothetical scenario. It really depends what you do. Using the same scenario, if you’re a competition or financial services lawyer you’ll work much better hours at the CMA or FCA and clients/ employers love regulator experience so I think it should actually boost your prospects if you then went back into private practice. Is there any opportunity for you to do something like that in your field?

@EchoAlpha My message cut off for some reason but to add I know two long term in house lawyers who returned to big City law firms as partners (when they weren’t previously). One was at BoE and the other at a big insurer.

Picture yourself at 70 years looking back at your life and what’s your biggest achievements / how many adult kids do you picture round the table etc? Where did you finish your career?

That’s for me was always a good way of finding out what I truly wanted. For me personally I would sacrifice my career for my kids or to have more kids. I already have and went part time. I get frustrated at times when I see people getting promoted however I have to think long term I would be more upset if I didn’t have kids. I have years left once the kids are older to work on my career if I want; it’s not ruined or gone just had the breaks applied.

@EchoAlpha It was difficult as my child was a terrible sleeper; due to DH's work I did most of the pickups and drop offs; we had no help from family; my line manager was not understanding of my situation; I had a pretty long commute. In all honesty I could continue the list. I was very stressed out and had very long days, as I often finished my work when my child was asleep. What made it manageable were nursery's opening hours, which are longer than they are for primary schools (at least in my area).

But looking back now I am so glad I returned to work full time- our financial situation has improved thanks to that, it was nice to interact with other grownups and have my independence.

A number of my DC's friends' mums are SAHMs who are looking to return to work, but as it's been years since they worked they are struggling to find anything other than an entry level of jobs.

I started back at work full time. A year later I dropped a day as we couldn’t cope or keep up with errands or exercise etc. Yes i’ve ended up doing a full time job for less money, but my manager wouldn’t let me go down to 3 days, and it’s definitely improved life for us.

This post has been so helpful to see others perspectives.

Firstly, it's a super personal decision and only really you can make the choice.

I'm 6 months into my return to work and honestly, it's been really tough. I'm wondering whether to persevere or change tact.

Both parents working full time, I'm on compressed - 4 days. Child in nursery during the week whilst at work.

Still feeling all the feels. Work feels more of a struggle. The tiredness. The sickness. The guilt. The housework builds up. I presumed things would work themselves out but I'm just feeling exhausted by it currently.

I'm always needed at work, I'm always needed at home. Just always on the clock. That's with a supportive husband but an attached child and we very rarely receive family support over the evenings and weekends.

On the other hand, I do value having a career and the nursery has been brilliant so far too.

I'm the only one working full time hours in my group of friends with similar aged babies. And think I would benefit dropping to part time if the opportunity arose.

Also I feel quite angry in all honesty, that it does seem to disproportionately affect mothers in the majority. Already planning baby no.2 and that's another level of career roulette😂so stressful!

If you are the main earner could your dp go part time? I don’t see why this is only your problem to solve

Option 3 therefore you take your promotion, dp goes part time and you get a nanny/housekeeper with all your extra earnings