Messing up at work after Mat leave - feeling deflated

[Liverpoolgirl50]

So I've been back at work for 9 weeks now. A fairly high pressured job as an EA to senior management within the NHS. I've gone back 4 long days a week, 07:45 - 1745. I have an 11 month old who goes to nursery 2 days a week and hates sleep (which is a whole other issue we are battling).

I feel mentally exhausted - I'm dropping balls, I just got a bollocking from my manager because I messed something up in the diary and I should've definitely been all over it. I am still suffering with PND (although probably just depression at this point?) and am on anti depressants which work to an extent, but I still do feel the effects.

We moved house 2 weeks ago and I now have an hour commute to work, so juggling getting ready/tired baby/nursery drop off/leaving the house at 6:30 and I just feel like I'm massively failing. I used to be so amazing at my job, my manager always spoke so highly of me and now I feel like she just has to pick up on so many things I would've been on top of before.

Thinking of stepping into a less stressful job closer to home but I do love my job and the pay is amazing - I just don't know what to do. Does it get easier? Feel so deflated.

Gosh you’re in a bit of a perfect storm - house move, new baby, return to work, zero sleep. It must seem insurmountable indeed. The good news is that it will ease. Can you have a one to one with your manager as a check in? Chances are you are just as highly rated as before - you’ve just had a bit of a confidence knock. Keep going, you’ll be fine.

That's a lot! Try to be gentle on yourself and things will start to fall in to place.

OP don't be so hard on yourself. You have a baby, you have just moved, you're working long full time hours with a long commute. No one should be getting a bollocking at work, I hope it was a professional exchange and not as you describe? If it was unprofessional do make sure you raise with your manager, explain what you have going on at home and make it clear that kind of exchange will do nothing to improve performance, you need support to settle back into work, not telling off, you will make mistakes, we ALL make mistakes, with much less going on.

But yes it will get easier. Your baby will sleep better, you will adjust, but if it doesn't, you might want to look at what adjustments could make life easier, is any WFH possible, that's a long commute after a long day.

It will get easier and you'll get back in the swing of it.
But those compressed hours make for a very long day with 1hr commute on top. I tried compressed hours for a while and the long days were just too much. Is there an alternative for you?

I have been back at work 9 weeks also.
My Manager let everyone know I would be slower and not as efficient.
They aske in every meeting if everything is okay and do I need any adjustments.
I was also told that even though I was a top performer before, it was not expected now.
Granted I have not messed up yet because we are quiet but so far I'm impressed with the amount of support I have been offered.
You need to speak to HR or your Manager and have a discussion about expectations. I could only remember how to do about half of my job until last week!

Thank you everyone.

Yes bollocking was probably a bit strong haha - but she definitely wasn't happy. The issue is that pre-baby I put my whole self into work as I had no other commitments. I worked every hour under the sun and now I have to rush off for nursery pick up and I can see that isn't sitting well, even if nothing has been verbally said - though there's not much I can do about that! (My husband works half hour in the wrong direction so no chance of us sharing it).

I had a quick catch up with her last week and she did say she was still happy with my performance (I directly asked and then felt a bit stupid for doing so), so I think it's probably me being overly hard on myself, but I know deep down I am not on the ball in the way I used to be. WFH is unfortunately not an option as it's a very hands on role..

I think I have to stick it out, get through these unsettled few months and just do my best. We are in the middle of using a sleep consultant so hopefully that side of things will improve and my brain will start to be less foggy!

@MadeofCheeese gosh that support sounds amazing! It's definitely not the same here, which is a shame! I had no return to work conversation etc, it was as though I had never left by the second day but suddenly my head was filled with thoughts of my baby instead of work and that has totally thrown me!

My Manager let everyone know I would be slower and not as efficient.

This would piss me off tbh 😂 don't suppose she'd say that about a new dad in the office...

i think your manager needs to take some responsibility for themselves

I think you need to give yourself time as others have said you've been spinning a lot of plates recently.

A more local/lower paid job may be the answer but perhaps give current one a bit longer first to settle back in. If you've an hour commute each way you might not be as worse of financially with local job plus decide what you want now you are a mum do you want a carer or just a job to fit round dc and bring in enough money - I chose to take a step back at work (mainly as DH job so full on I was one who had to do bulk of childcare) but it worked for us as a family and that is the most important thing.

I'm sorry , this irritates me. Of course there is a settling in period when going back to an existing job but I work really hard and the fact that I have children in no affects my performance and I would massively resent the implication that it would.

Em No she doesn't.. that's why she has an EA🙄

Well everyone's experience is different but I found it didn't get easier and the only way to cope was to go part time. I mean juggling kids and work is hard. Even once they start school - you think you'll be freed up to work more or have better head space, but sadly that's not quite the case.

I worked every hour under the sun and now I have to rush off for nursery pick up and I can see that isn't sitting well, even if nothing has been verbally said - though there's not much I can do about that!

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They literally have no right to grumble or expect you to work longer than your contracted hours, of course you should leave on time to get to nursery.

I don't understand how 4 hours unbroken sleep, taking days off for sick baby etc would not affect your performance. You must be amazing to still work so well sleep deprived and having double everything to do to keep on top of everything at home.

That’s a lot! Two things will make an enormous difference: sleep, and getting the new house in order. Both of those things will happen, but it’s a case of when and how, can he take some AL and just blitz the new house so you’ve got everything in place – you’re probably starting each day on the back foot in a new place until things are organised.

Hopefully thr sleep consultant will work magic, and sleep will clear your head but also give you time: so nursery bag can be sorted the night before, evening showers, outfits laid out for morning, breakfast prepped and coffee ready to switch on, etc. It does take time to find your rhythm and hacks to make the mornings go more smoothly.

Thanks everyone - I've since had a chat with my boss and let the floodgates open (after a little cry in the toilet!). She was very lovely about it all. I did say that half the problem is I was greeted when I returned with 'thank god you're back' 'now we can get back on track' 'good luck picking up the mess your mat cover left' and the pressure to go straight back to how I was pre-baby was overwhelming, as though people expected me to be exactly the same and that my priorities had in no way changed.

I'm going to try and be easier on myself and understand that mistakes do happen - though if anyone has any advice on how to stop thinking about your baby when you're at work it would be greatly received! haha

glad you are going to be easier on yourself.
good luck

I agree with @Crazycrazylady . I think it's the assumption that now you've got a baby you're definitely going to be shit at your job that's the problem. This: My Manager let everyone know I would be slower and not as efficient. is particularly rude.
Yes it's a big adjustment but it's not always impossible to cope with. Some babies sleep longer than four hours a night by the time maternity leave finishes and some mothers are able to share days off for DC sickness with their partner.

Whether it is right or wrong to announce to the team a returning mums performance will be lower it isn't possible to just flip a post and say would you say this about a new dad/man? Womans and mens experience of the world isn't the same (caveat etc) .This happens so often on mumsnet. However I am wondering what the father/partner is doing to support return to work , sleepless nights etc.

Do you have a partner/husband? Where are they in all this? Nights, drop offs etc shouldn’t be solely on you.

Sorry I should add that my husband is amazing - he also works 4 long days a week and has a non working day in the week to look after her. He would a million percent help in the night, but she absolutely refuses to settle for him. We are, however 3 days into sleep training and she’s slept 12 hours the last 2 nights! So life feels a bit easier at the moment.

I’ve also made the decision to work shorter days and do a Friday morning ontop instead which should ease things 😊