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Original poster

Struggle to leave work at 5

11 replies

Dron · 07/06/2023 19:20

Hello, hoping to get some advice.
I returned to work after maternity leave quite some time ago. My job before going on maternity leave was stressful for a number of reasons but I liked that it was very much a 9-5 job and others in the team also had children and worked 9-5. Even management. On returning, I was offered a new internal role in a different department by a really lovely manager I had known really well and had worked indirectly with for a few years. She was very keen to hire me and said that I'd be a good fit for the role and that my previous department would be way too stressful to work in after having my child. I thought about it carefully and ended up taking the role. Although I generally enjoy the job I actually feel unhappier than I did in my previous department.

The main reason for this is that although my new(ish) manager is still really lovely, she and others in her team (all child free) work until around 7pm most evenings. We all sit together in the office. They rarely leave at 5 and often comment on staff in other teams who do leave at 5 which is hard to listen to but I try and ignore it as I don't think it's directed at me and they are all really nice. They also chat constantly in the office so I am constantly interrupted and then end up struggling to complete my work. There are also a lot of after work drinks/networking events which the team attend which I hate.
When I first joined the team my manager did tell me to ignore the hours she was working and to not feel that I had to do the same. But my main problem is that most days at around 5pm she will start a conversation with me or ask to discuss some work with me, or ask me to do a quick task etc etc (nicely) which makes it difficult for me to log off and leave the office. I am lucky at the moment that my DH works from home a lot and can do the nursery pickup (which unfortunately she knows) but I guess I am angry that this seems to be a regular thing and it's really stressing me out as I end up getting home so late to bath and help put DD to bed. I am trying to make a good impression as it's early days which is why I haven't said anything yet but I do need to do something that doesn't involve whining.

Sorry the post is so long....I guess my question is how does everyone with kids manage to leave the office at 5 without appearing rude when colleagues/bosses are talking to you? I don't feel she is doing it deliberately and I do feel that it's my responsibility to politely set boundaries....I can't expect her or my colleagues understand my situation at home.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 07/06/2023 19:24

I think you need to arm yourself with answers

sure will discuss it first thing tomorrow

shall we look at diaries to book some time .

anything that fits the situation

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 07/06/2023 19:30

Dron · 07/06/2023 19:20

Hello, hoping to get some advice.
I returned to work after maternity leave quite some time ago. My job before going on maternity leave was stressful for a number of reasons but I liked that it was very much a 9-5 job and others in the team also had children and worked 9-5. Even management. On returning, I was offered a new internal role in a different department by a really lovely manager I had known really well and had worked indirectly with for a few years. She was very keen to hire me and said that I'd be a good fit for the role and that my previous department would be way too stressful to work in after having my child. I thought about it carefully and ended up taking the role. Although I generally enjoy the job I actually feel unhappier than I did in my previous department.

The main reason for this is that although my new(ish) manager is still really lovely, she and others in her team (all child free) work until around 7pm most evenings. We all sit together in the office. They rarely leave at 5 and often comment on staff in other teams who do leave at 5 which is hard to listen to but I try and ignore it as I don't think it's directed at me and they are all really nice. They also chat constantly in the office so I am constantly interrupted and then end up struggling to complete my work. There are also a lot of after work drinks/networking events which the team attend which I hate.
When I first joined the team my manager did tell me to ignore the hours she was working and to not feel that I had to do the same. But my main problem is that most days at around 5pm she will start a conversation with me or ask to discuss some work with me, or ask me to do a quick task etc etc (nicely) which makes it difficult for me to log off and leave the office. I am lucky at the moment that my DH works from home a lot and can do the nursery pickup (which unfortunately she knows) but I guess I am angry that this seems to be a regular thing and it's really stressing me out as I end up getting home so late to bath and help put DD to bed. I am trying to make a good impression as it's early days which is why I haven't said anything yet but I do need to do something that doesn't involve whining.

Sorry the post is so long....I guess my question is how does everyone with kids manage to leave the office at 5 without appearing rude when colleagues/bosses are talking to you? I don't feel she is doing it deliberately and I do feel that it's my responsibility to politely set boundaries....I can't expect her or my colleagues understand my situation at home.

You probably need a meeting with her about the hours and said you have to leave at 5pm.
but also it does not look like you fit with the team to be honest, you mention them talking all the time and going for drinks after work. Maybe not a good fit for you.

also why is the reason for everyone to stay until 7pm? Increase of workload? In which case you could also be flexible and stay a bit longer at least once a week.

Original poster
Dron · 07/06/2023 20:00

Thank you!

@Starlightstarbright1 - great idea, I think you're right I do need to come up with some answers.

@Haveallthesongsbeenwritten - yes totally agree that I need to be flexible and I do go out to the after work events around 50 % of the time. I would say most days I end up staying until around 5.30ish and about once a week I leave around 6ish. Occasionally I will work until 7 or log in from home after dinner if workload is really high and we have deadlines as my commute is long but I don't agree with leaving colleagues to deal with everything when we have big deadlines. My issue is that these conversations at 5 are a regular thing when we don't have big deadlines. I would say that them staying late is more about being visible and about culture rather than workload most of the time. I do agree this might not be a good fit for me as a team.

OP posts:
karmakameleon · 07/06/2023 20:05

The way I dealt with it was to get in early. I made a huge fuss about my early starts and mentioned regularly how I needed to do it so I could leave on time for nursery pick up. If anyone tried to set up a meeting or start a conversation at 5pm I say “sorry got to go but happy to catch up first thing tomorrow, I’m in at 7.30 if that works?” Surprisingly few people took me up on it. And people who had no time during the working day and had to meet at 5pm suddenly found time. In the end I was working 8-5 to get everything done so not massively early and worked perfectly for me.

ReeseWitherfork · 07/06/2023 20:06

I feel guilty whenever I leave the office earlier than others. But I just do. Leave, I mean. I’d prefer to feel guilty with my colleagues than my family. I’m salaried for 7.5 hours a day and that’s what they get. I work bloody hard, I’m an asset to the team, but I gotta go when I gotta go. And I’m not interested in socialising outside of work!

Juggling family and work is hard OP but you’ve got to ignore the comments and be confident that you’re working hard when you’re there.

Tell your boss you’ll come and find her first thing if it looks like a long chat, if it’s a short one then I’d probably happily give her the time. No harm in popping to see her around the 4pm under the pretence of making her a cuppa and just checking in.

tothetower · 07/06/2023 20:10

I always have and always will refuse to get sucked into unpaid overtime. I work my hours and I go home. I'm flexible, but I do my hours.
Companies get away with this all the time because people are willing to go along with it and work for free.

If everyone needs to stay to 7 to complete the workload then there isn't enough staff. But if everyone keeps doing the extra hours for free, then they'll never get enough staff.

I think maybe exec level is different. But I work because I get paid, and I don't owe anyone my time for free.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 07/06/2023 20:17

Dron · 07/06/2023 20:00

Thank you!

@Starlightstarbright1 - great idea, I think you're right I do need to come up with some answers.

@Haveallthesongsbeenwritten - yes totally agree that I need to be flexible and I do go out to the after work events around 50 % of the time. I would say most days I end up staying until around 5.30ish and about once a week I leave around 6ish. Occasionally I will work until 7 or log in from home after dinner if workload is really high and we have deadlines as my commute is long but I don't agree with leaving colleagues to deal with everything when we have big deadlines. My issue is that these conversations at 5 are a regular thing when we don't have big deadlines. I would say that them staying late is more about being visible and about culture rather than workload most of the time. I do agree this might not be a good fit for me as a team.

fair enough, i think just have the conversation then, it may help 😊

ChatBFP · 07/06/2023 20:46

How much better paid is it? This does sort of change things as regards expectations - if it is paid the same as your 9-5 and doesn't come with great progression, then I'd be tempted to go back to the 9-5.

ChatBFP · 07/06/2023 20:48

I mean, if you were sold the job on the basis that it would be miles easier to manage with a child and that isn't the case, then probably best to revisit the decision

Bababababab · 07/06/2023 20:51

In terms of how would you leave...what would you say if she came at 1.59 and you had a meeting at 2? Or whatever time. Would you be late for the meeting? I assume you would find a way to tell her. You need to take the same approach. 5pm is a meeting time you have (with going home)

Aprilx · 09/06/2023 08:16

I think that you have taken a role that is a poor fit for you and you probably should have established what was customary before you accepted it. It sounds like your previous role would have been much better for you post children.

I have nearly always worked in professional office environments and the hours on the contract really bear no resemblance to what is expected and in fact the contracts have always stated that the hours are a guide and it is expected to work whatever is required to fulfil the role.

It honestly would have been very unusual for anybody to be regularly leaving at 5pm in those companies and types of roles. And that included the parents, there are no special rules for parents, the parents didn’t clock off at 5pm whilst the child free carry on working. If you need to leave at 5pm, you need to find a job that fits your hours. This one doesn’t unfortunately.

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