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Original poster

Advice needed for handling a colleague making snide remarks

33 replies

mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 05:53

I have been in my current employment going on 6 months. I am well experienced in my field of work (healthcare), so am very competent in my area of work. I have been employed with the same organisation on and off for the last 20 years.

I am mid 40's and my colleague is mid 60's. This person started off friendly with me and for the last few weeks has been making snide and sarcastic comments to me. Some examples include:-

  • Making snide comments regarding my marital status
  • Making snide comments regarding my financial status.
  • Will interrupt conversations I am having with other colleagues at lunch and criticise what I am saying in front of others, implying I have said something wrong, which then leads me to second guess myself.
  • Constantly eavesdropping on my conversations.

I believe she is trying to be funny and joking around, but now it's just got to the stage where it's really starting to piss me off.

I don't think I have done anything to upset her, other than having some friendly conversations with her, in which she has formed judgement and assumptions of me. I think she does it other people too, but feel I am being more targeted, perhaps for being new or perhaps she has just decided she doesn't like me or even weirder maybe she thinks she's trying to be friends with me.

I had an informal chat with my line manager, who says they have been having some issues with her, without revealing too much to me, and to document everything. I have been starting to document everything but look, I don't really want to make it so formal and be dragged through a process.

If it continues, I'm thinking of approaching her in the first instance and asking her to stop.

I have tried to limit interactions with her and not engage with her as much anymore but why should I have to go and sit in my car on my lunch break to avoid her.

Anyone experienced this? Any advice? I'm getting too old and tired to be dealing with this kind of crap!

TIA.

OP posts:
littleblackcat27 · 07/06/2023 05:57

What happens if you bite back?

Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 05:58

@littleblackcat27 Nothing really! She just continues to do it.

OP posts:
CurtainsForBea · 07/06/2023 06:00

well, it sounds like your line manager has given you the headsup that they have your back. So I would continue to document, stay polite and a little distant and wait. I suspect she is causing issues for others as well.

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 06:00

Have you tried remaining stoney faced and carrying on with the conversation you were trying to have? Like literally just ignore it? (And write it down). Obviously it's going to be tricky and it must be hard not to just be like WTAF?

sourcorn · 07/06/2023 06:01

CurtainsForBea · 07/06/2023 06:00

well, it sounds like your line manager has given you the headsup that they have your back. So I would continue to document, stay polite and a little distant and wait. I suspect she is causing issues for others as well.

Yeah I agree with this - sounds like manager is on it.

3luckystars · 07/06/2023 06:03

What do the other colleagues do when she does this?

I would keep every conversation about work and not get dragged into anything. Keep making a note of any remarks and hopefully she will move off soon.

littleblackcat27 · 07/06/2023 06:03

Wow - sounds really annoying. And particularly unpleasant that you feel forced to go sit in your car. There is someone a little like that at my work, and sometimes I just keep quiet, but other times I will 'bite back' Every.Single.Time. and that does make them stop (for a while). Some people are very thick skinned though.

Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:13

@3luckystars I think they just laugh along because they don't know what else to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:14

@littleblackcat27 I know have tried this, and will stop for a couple of weeks but then has now started back up again.

OP posts:
Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:14

@sourcorn going to try this next I think

OP posts:
Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:15

@CurtainsForBea I think so, and this person's line manager is away until July so she can't really do much at the moment. If they even do anything at all if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 07/06/2023 06:17

I would distance myself from her and avoid her as much as possible. It depends on your role and team how much you can do this . I might speak to her directly but from what the manager said she has form so may be wary about this. At the end of the day if she is directly impacting you ,you may have to raise it formally.

Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:18

@Doingmybest12 We work on rotation, so I'm not working with her all the time, just some of the time, which is good, but she seems to always be around me.

I was thinking of speaking to her directly but informing line managers of before and after I do it and documenting it, so she has no comeback.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 07/06/2023 06:22

‘Yes, Sandra, thank you for your contribution. Anyway, as I was saying…’

BuddhaAtSea · 07/06/2023 06:25

‘That was inappropriate, I need you to stop’.
‘You are making everyone uncomfortable’
Wear headphones during your lunch break.
Your manager should pull her to one side though, I hate this non confrontational passive aggressive bullshit, the woman is toxic.

BuddhaAtSea · 07/06/2023 06:26

If you speak to her directly, make sure the manager is there, she can twist it and land you in trouble, these people are well versed in this.

Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:27

@ShandaLear good response!

OP posts:
Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:29

@BuddhaAtSea I know I hate it too, there's always one in every workplace. My line manager is not her line manager, so difficult I suppose.

OP posts:
skilpadde · 07/06/2023 06:35

CurtainsForBea · 07/06/2023 06:00

well, it sounds like your line manager has given you the headsup that they have your back. So I would continue to document, stay polite and a little distant and wait. I suspect she is causing issues for others as well.

I agree with this.

OP, your line manager didn't dismiss or diminish what you were saying ("Oh, that's just what Sandra's like!")... your manager believed you and asked that you keep a record.

Reading between the lines, your colleague has done this with other people, and others making informal complaints, leading to informal chats with her about her conduct, may have temporarily reduced the behaviour but not fixed it.

Management can't do anything formally until there's a formal complaint. And that's why you've been asked to keep notes.

Original poster
mollymaebae · 07/06/2023 06:42

@skilpadde I think you're right about all of this. I would just prefer to address it informally with her, so she stops.

OP posts:
VelmaKelly · 07/06/2023 06:47

maybe try “why did you say that?” Or “what do you mean by that?”

Not with animosity but slight bewilderment. Things aren’t “funny” when you have to explain them.

Fraaahnces · 07/06/2023 06:48

Carry a notebook in your pocket and when she does this, just stop the conversation you’re having already with “Excuse me for a minute please…” then write “Susan interrupted my conversation with Mary at 12:45 on Tuesday 15th May, 2023 to comment “Why don’t you just…..?”
Then turn back to the nice colleague and say,
”Thanks. Now what were we talking about again?

GnomeDePlume · 07/06/2023 07:30

Your line manager has told you to document so do that.

By the sounds of it there have been lots of attempts to manage this person's behaviour informally and all have clearly failed. There isn't going to be some magic phrase which will cause her to see the light.

Now it needs to be formal. As you are relatively new you are the ideal person to do this as no one can say you have put up with it for X years so why is it a problem now?

Being formal is better, HR or your line manager will deal with it. No risk of you getting it wrong and ending up with a counter accusation of bullying against you.

Missymarple · 07/06/2023 08:02

OP, you have my sympathy. I worked with a woman a little like this, constantly interrupting any conversation I was having, did not know how to do the job but when I tried to show her various parts of it, claimed I was treating her like a new start, trying to be funny all the time but just being loud and kind of insulting people, the whole thing was exhausting.

My line manager was great, she helped me realise it all came from her insecurity about doing the job and was not aimed at me, my colleague was alternated at another site so we weren't together all the time, and we identified another room in the office I could go to for a breather when things became unbearable. All of this helped, and seeing my colleague as insecure rather than awful was a real turning point in my ability to deal with her. But the relief I felt when she eventually left was immense...

Showersugar · 07/06/2023 09:26

I would ask for a quiet word with her. Tell her she has been making some unpleasant comments, give her some examples so she knows what you're on about, then calmly but firmly tell her you'd like it to stop.

Don't let her butt in, just say your piece. If she has something to say at the end then fine, let her, but don't be drawn into a conversation, just reiterate "well I'd like it to stop please".

Make a note of this conversation and tell your manager about it. Hopefully it will stop, but if it doesn't then it's time to go formal, she can't say she wasn't given an opportunity to correct her behaviour this way.