Constant worry about work/my job & feeling incompetent

[Bythestrikeofthenight]

As some background, my role is a real mix of responsibilities (split between creative stuff and more admin.) I've been there just under 2 years and have been off sick quite a few times in the past 12 months due to severe anxiety and depression, some of which was made worse by work. Have been back since March & just feel the tide has turned against me. Luckily I WFH, but I'm honestly struggling to get out of bed & want to instantly get back into bed. I spent most of Sunday sleeping or worrying about work.

Issues with work are:

• My manager has flagged that he's got concerns. Believes I haven't properly flagged things that were upcoming from another team. I'm not sure I've missed them so much as they haven't been covered/communicated while I was off sick & the team haven't communicated little/at all with me.
• Another area is that he thinks I've stepped back in terms of my responsibility in a certain area of my role. Again, someone else took over this while I was off sick. I only found out recently that I'd been excluded from certain meetings/left out of conversations I should have been in once back. I have flagged this with manager and he said that's not good. I used to do quite a lot of work with a team member, which wasn't strictly part of my role. I had to step back from this earlier in the year & since then I think she's very frosty with me. I was basically volunteering in an area but it was detracting too much from my core role. He told me these 'concerns' had been raised by my fellow colleagues. This has got my anxiety in motion x10000 and I'm wondering if someone just wants me out.

I also am diagnosed with a neurodiverese condition, but think my colleagues expect me to function like all of them. My manager knows I have this but I've never been offered any support & I don't think my boss actually knows what it is! I'm having an assessment soon, so am hoping that some adjustments might be made.

In the meantime though, my mental health is really suffering again. I'm definitely more sensitive than average, but now I just spend every day/attend every meeting feeling like everyone thinks I'm an idiot and is talking behind my back.

I don't know if I've made errors or if it's been more a case of miscommunication, but I really don't feel supported by my manager and like there's a clear way forward. I used to be well thought of (I think) and now it feels like everyone thinks I'm incompetent and deserve sacking. This is the first time in my nearly two years there that any 'concerns' have been raised about me.

I don't know where to turn next. Part of me thinks when my boss returns from holiday I need to hash out these concerns with him. I feel like there's no clear direction forward and I'm fumbling around just hoping for the best. I also have a terrible fear of being fired and what I would do. I live pay check to pay check so would lose my home if I couldn't immediately find another job.

Has anyone been in similar situations and successfully pulled it back? I'm honestly struggling a lot emotionally but can't afford to take anymore sick leave so I need to break this cycle. It's also given me task paralysis as I constantly overthink everything I do/say. I think the worst part is feeling my reputation is damaged and that being fired is now inevitable.

now it feels like everyone thinks I'm incompetent and deserve sacking

Just picking one example but you seem to be doing a lot of catastrophising and mind-reading.

I think it would be useful to separate out the evidence from your feelings. They are not the same. Reacting to catastrophic thoughts and feelings rather than evidence is likely to lead you to worse places.

How much time have you had off sick since you started?

What support or adjustments do you think would help? Have you specifically requested anything?

Have you had an occupational health referral - is that what you mean by the assessment you're having soon?

It sounds like a combination of your anxiety/ MH situation plus the fact that you are perhaps out of the loop due to time off and WFH. Can you ask for some advice and support from your HR department to help you get back on track? It seems like it would be helpful for you to connect more with your team on a regular basis to keep on top of what's expected of you and to manage any concerns.

Thanks both - I totally appreciate I can have a catastrophic way of thinking. It's just once it takes hold of me it's so hard to come back from. I find myself feeling physically sick with worry.

Since I started two years ago, I've had about seven weeks sick leave - mostly for mental rather than physical health.

So I've seen occupational health in the past and they were very helpful, but this was more in terms of implementing a phased return. My assessment is an external organisation related directly to my disability.

Alongside the anxiety, I've got a lot of negative self talk going on. Which I'm also aware of.

I suppose part of the reason I'm struggling is the negative (for me at least) feedback feels fairly out of the blue.

For adjustments, I have a lot of issues around working memory and when I'm told things verbally (even when taking notes!) they are sometimes hard for me to follow. A lot of my role involves co-ordinating things, and I honestly just struggle to hold everything in my head at once. But we also don't really have a process in place for a lot of this - I tried to establish one at one point, but it evolved & then kind of dissolved over time.

I'm also not the most assertive person. It's fair enough saying 'just be more assertive' but some personality types are more so than others. Up until quite recently I was told I was 'great' at my job though. Aside from my confidence, I don't really know what else has changed.

I do also have an element of imposter syndrome though - always feel like a bit of a fraud in jobs. I excelled academically, though worked incredibly hard, but I've never quite shined in the work place in the same way.

One skill I definitely have is copywriting - it's been commented on multiple times across organisations. I have looked at roles that are exclusively in this area, but the wages are either too low or they seem to have expectations that you have more overall marketing skills or years of experience than I do.

I have thought about engaging with HR for support, but wondered if getting them involved is a good idea? Are they likely to speak to my boss and take their side automatically?

I'm hopeful it will get better but as my mental health has taken yet another hit from all of this, it's a bit of a self perpetuating cycle.

Solidarity OP. I also have a neurodiverse profile and I completely relate to excelling academically (I have a PhD) but never managing to achieve the same in the workplace.

I also have issues with working memory. If you can afford to go private to speed up getting a formal assessment then I would recommend this, as you will then be able to ask for reasonable adjustments.

A reasonable adjustment that you should be able to request, is being able to record any verbal instructions (obviously warning the person in advance). This is an adjustment that I have and it makes a massive difference to my ability to perform well at work.

In general, I think that only giving verbal instructions to someone is a really crap way of delegating tasks. It feel easier/quicker for the person describing the task, but there's way more room for misunderstandings even if the recipient is neurotypical. Unless the task is extremely simple, I always follow up with a written summary when delegating anything myself.

I appreciate that other people don't want the hassle of providing written instructions though, which is why I either request to record a Teams meeting or use a dictaphone in person.

*feels