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Aibu about coworker digging for information about other people

10 replies

Happyfuture · 18/05/2023 06:17

Recently a member of one of the teams at work came to me with a concern. They had a message out of the blue from an assistant manager asking them about their manager and their managing style. Asking if they like having them as a manager and if they feel supportive. Now this person has an issue with said manager, doesn't like them and often says underhanded comments about them in the workplace. There was a particular comment in this text exchange saying some ppl don't deserve the titles they have. Now this made my colleague feel like he was being set up to say something negative about this person and their direct supervisor. They came to me asking what they should do and I told them to take it to their manager. Now I didn't mention anything to anyone else and the manager confronted the person. Now it has been deemed that it was possibly also aimed at me which I don't care about as this person needs to look in the mirror and see their own faults. This person and myself both are under a different manager whom said person is best friends with. My manager has not looked at the messages and has gone by what this persons said reasons were IE I wanted to make sure you were ok and the title comment was about another member of staff who has left. I'm now being questioned as to why I didn't go to the person (as it has come out that the co-worker seeked my advice) and ask them about it and why I didn't go to my direct manager. I felt this was going to be a biased view point had I gone to either so let the other manager deal with it. My question is did I do the wrong thing? I felt terrible but I don't do confrontation and felt had I gone to to person in question it could be seen as bullying as she has tendancies to cry alot at work. I didn't go to my line manager as they already have a very close friendship with the person of concern and I knew this person would be blindly defended. I'm feeling a little concerned about how to go forward.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/05/2023 06:23

I'm not sure I'd have got involved at all.

I'd have told the colleague who received the email to reply to the message ask what the purpose of it was and what it would be used for, telling them to copy in the manager above the assistant manager.

Then if they were happy to divulge their thoughts on their manager, having found out what purpose the information was being used for, they could have done so.

Happyfuture · 18/05/2023 06:29

That's good advice. The problem was the co-worker shut down the conversation and didn't want to ask questions as he felt he may get targeted by them for probing. I told him to take it to his line manager if he felt that it was done maliciously.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/05/2023 06:34

Sounds a bit of a toxic atmosphere tbh.

Hope you get it resolved.

Happyfuture · 18/05/2023 06:42

Yeah it can be at times. I always thought if I told someone to go to your own manager it was the correct procedure as it's not for me to deal with and now I'm being told I should go direct to the person, I felt that was wrong as it puts the person who came to me in a difficult spot. And because I'm not his point of contact I'd be classed as over stepping. Mehh, humans and procedures don't mix 🤣

OP posts:
MushMonster · 18/05/2023 06:44

Their problem. They are shit managers, that is for sure.
There is such a thing as performance reviews and HR. So they need to learn to use them.
It sounds like the questioning manager does not work directly with neither of you, so in that case, I bet you they have an agenda, not one on the interest of your work of place.
If they do not behave themselves, go to HR.

MushMonster · 18/05/2023 06:46

And you are 100% right. For any concerns about your place of work, you go to your line manager. And HR if needed.

RedRobin100 · 18/05/2023 06:54

It doesn’t sound like it remotely concerns you, save that someone asked your advice.

I think you did the right thing to just advise them to take it to their own manager if they felt they needed to.

if your own manager keeps it up - just keep repeating, “it doesn’t concern me.. it’s an issue for management or HR”

Qwerty111 · 18/05/2023 06:56

Do you line manage the shit-stirrer? If you do, you should have involved yourself and handled the situation.

If not, then someone asked your advice as a trusted neutral on how to handle a tricky situation and FWIW I think your advice was spot on.

Happyfuture · 18/05/2023 07:11

Qwerty111 · 18/05/2023 06:56

Do you line manage the shit-stirrer? If you do, you should have involved yourself and handled the situation.

If not, then someone asked your advice as a trusted neutral on how to handle a tricky situation and FWIW I think your advice was spot on.

No we both have the same position. They were moved to my team after their direct manager left.

OP posts:
Qwerty111 · 18/05/2023 07:57

It’s quite telling that none of the three of you felt the shit-stirrer’s line manager could or would deal with it.

My workplace is quite similar where someone absolutely toxic is a great favourite and everyone else navigates uneasily around that situation - I can quite easily assign your characters to the people I work with. Depressing isn’t it?

Redrobin’s words above are good, repeat on a loop. I’d be tempted to add “it would be inappropriate for ME to take on dealing with (shit-stirrer’s) poor behaviour as I am not her manager”

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