Golden handcuffs

[Chalkandcheesetwins]

Not sure if the phrase is commonly known or whether it's just in my industry but Golden Handcuffs refers to the fact you're paid so well you can't leave.
I'm aware I'm in a privileged position where I do earn a good wage. I am the breadwinner by a considerable amount. We do however live paycheck to paycheck, with mortgage payments, cars, bills, nursery fees, etc. I took out a loan to cover the statutory and unpaid part of my maternity leave so am also paying that off currently.
I suffer from anxiety which was triggered in 2020 when I suffered a personal health scare and then had a work related incident within months of each other. I know people roll their eyes at anxiety - I'll admit I did until I experienced it in this way - but I genuinely thought i was having a heart attack and took myself to A&E, twice. I become completely irrational and focused on all the horrifying stuff that could happen. I ground my teeth until I broke one. I was given medication and it helped, hugely. I came off it whilst on maternity leave but now I'm back to work, the anxiety is sky high again and I think it's time I should probably get back on it.
The thing is, the common denominator in my anxiety spikes is my job. I am absolutely certain the reason I had a successful pregnancy after a few losses is because I conceived while signed off work. I really, really don't like my job but I do it because I'm stuck and don't know what to do. If I was to leave, I have no transferrable skills, having worked at this company for 10+ years. I don't want to go into too much detail but it's a very specific role that doesn't really translate elsewhere. I could walk into another entry level job, but that would mean a pay cut of at least £30k and we just would not be able to afford the mortgage. But then what do we do?
I do have a degree and have considered retraining, it's just completely unaffordable to not be working/be on minimum wage whilst doing so. I have considered teaching or social care but would be open to any suggestions of something I could retrain for!
I feel so, so stuck so I will happily take any and all responses - maybe I'll get some much needed perspective. Thanks for reading this far.

Can you downsize/move to reduce your mortgage? What are your partner’s earning options? Can either/both of you go part time to reduce childcare costs? Is there a sizeways career move you can take eg if you’re a lawyer go in house.

I just can't believe that you have no transferable skills. Remember that most recruitment these days is skills based rather than knowledge based. I'm my current, well paid team, we have a former teacher, lab technician, researcher, gardner and and data analyst- none of these relate to the roles they do now.

You will definitely have transferable skills. What’s your current salary? How much do you need to earn to pay the bills without making big changes like downsizing? Can you sidestep within your current job? What is it about work that is making you anxious? What treatment other than medication have you had - would counselling or coaching help to reframe how you feel about your current post? Are there changes you could make so your current job is less anxiety inducing?

Similarly, I find it hard to believe you have no transferable skills.

Do you think the anxiety might be leading you to view this in a very extreme black and white way?

It will be easier for people to advise on lateral moves if you indicate sector, expertise, qualifications.

Not all retraining means leaving the workplace.

Thanks to covid there are now loads of online courses and remote training options. It is worth looking into to see if any of this would work for you.

And if the trigger for the anxiety was a trauma, what support have you had to process and heal that trauma?

Otherwise there's going to be part of your body and brain continuously in a "threat" state because your central nervous system is still responding to that trauma (the health scare and incident) as if it is still happening right now. (Hence your hypervigilance.)

NOT counselling as that is not approved for trauma (it makes it worse), but things like EMDR or cognitive trauma therapy?

The meds are only dulling your central nervous system response to those traumatic experiences, they're not resolving them for you.

I'm similar I'm in a very specialized role and would have to take a large cut to change industry for ex.

Can you go to a recruiter/temp agency and discuss with them?

Can you do your type of role on a day contractor basis? It might be less stressful then. Perhaps being employed by a consultancy and seconded to a role like yours.

Thanks all for your replies. Hope this answers your questions.

I am a train driver. So I do have transferrable skills I suppose, just not something easily translatable? I don't want to go into details about what's causing my anxiety at work but I imagine knowing I had an incident at work may indicate why?

I do currently work part time and due to shifts we manage the childcare with just 2 sessions of nursery a week.

My partner was actually let go last week so currently job hunting which is obviously putting further pressure on me. I have every faith he'll get something soon but my wage is more than double his.

I have considered moving. We moved an hour away from family in order to buy (ex Londoners..!) I'd like to stay near to family but given the state I'm in I'm genuinely considering moving hundreds of miles away and swapping our insanely expensive pile of bricks for a much cheaper house. It's obviously a huge consideration though.

There are roles within the company I would be interested in and continue to apply for when they arise.

I have a BA in English I gained 10+ years ago. Other experience is retail and bar work.

That's really interesting, I didn't know that. It was during COVID and I got some counselling over the phone that was quite honestly rubbish. Maybe I'll speak to work about getting referred again, thanks

As a train driver you will have loads of transferable skills. The National Careers service has them listed as:

• concentration skills
• to be thorough and pay attention to detail
• patience and the ability to remain calm in stressful situations
• the ability to operate and control equipment
• knowledge of public safety and security
• observation and recording skills
• the ability to accept criticism and work well under pressure
• the ability to work well with others and on your own
• to be able to carry out basic tasks on a computer or hand-held device

Check out the OU and micro credentials (10-12week) options for online courses and Future Learn have lots of industry targeted courses as well.

Please, please look to move jobs. My DH is in a golden handcuff job, we are in a part of the country where wages are stagnant and there are no comparable jobs elsewhere in the region (FTSE 100 company with a site in our region). Over the last 15 years he has changed into a complete ball of stress, unable to communicate with anyone, extremely unhappy with life and unable to find happiness in anything. He is trapped but I don't even know if he will make it to his exoectared retirement age (late 50s) as he has continual panic attacks about work. We are constantly on the brink of divorce and there is no longer anything left of the man I married. The 6 figure salary looks amazing but it just isn't worth the sacrifice.

OP this is no way to live so please, please look to move out of this job.

I'd love to, it's just the logistics. What do I do, how do we afford the mortgage, how would we afford childcare...there are SO many considerations than just to leave unfortunately.

Have you looked at another role within the rail industry? Eg training train drivers. Someone I know has done exactly this and is really enjoying it, the location and hours are more constant too.

It might just give you some breathing space to think about what you want to do in future or it might become permanent career change. I know it is not as easy as just quitting your job with other commitments but please do look for other options, I promise you will have transferable skills.

I’m only imagining how unbelievably stressful an incident in that line of work would be and it sounds like you didn’t get nearly enough support because it’s still affecting you. If medication worked for you before might it be worth trying it again to give you a clearer head while you make plans/upskill? Trauma therapy that someone else mentioned upthread might be worth a shot as well.

Oh yes I completely understand and they are the same reasons mu DH gives for not leaving. However I believe your health + mental health is more important. Where there is a will there is a way!

I completely understand how it feels to be trapped in a job. For me even planning my escape made me feel better. I would first look into whether there are better jobs, better ways of working in your current field where you have more control and autonomy and will not send your anxiety through the roof.

Focus on you as much as possible - what do you need to do to feel better? Look at home life as well - is there stuff causing stress there too? Diet, sleep, caffeine, alcohol, exercise and hormone levels are so important. Have a health MOT and don't be afraid to ask for HRT, a different pill, anti depressants or anti anxiety medication.

swanling

Just to point out the error in your post. Counselling CAN help with trauma if it's trauma-informed work and the counsellor is trained properly.

I agree rehashing what happened is not helpful but dealing with the affects on the here and now can be.

What's your manager/hr dept like? I agree with the pp, can you move into training, resource planning etc? You will have a huge amount of experience you can bring to another department of your current work.

People roll their eyes at anxiety in this day and age? Blimey. At least the more people who are aware of how debilitating it is the more we can work toward removing the stigma.

I know your work is the cause of your anxiety at the moment, but all I can do is advise what I would do in your shoes, and since your wage is so good, I would try and negotiate agile working and reducing your work load accordingly. They can't expect you to do all your work on reduced hours so that would also be your opportunity to delegate some of your work load.

The alternative would be to lay your cards on the table, and tell your manager exactly how much work is affecting you and what can be done about it.

Finally, if my partner was this miserable I'd move heaven and earth to change our lifestyle in order to accommodate their reduced wage. Including looking at moving to a cheaper house (I know this may not be possible right now)

It's not approved by NICE because the evidence base does not support your statements for treating trauma.

Look at making massive swingeing cuts in your outgoings, do a one month on one week off arrangement. Basically spend nothing that isn't absolutely essential. Start for just a really short time- I did it for Lent one year. Ate all the food in the cupboards and freezer, went without. Saved massive amounts. Extend it as far as you can.

Get a side gig. Working in a bar one night a week, or whatever you and your husband can juggle.

Assess what you've saved and earned and see what your options look like than. Maybe you can go part time, and do something else as well.

swanling

I am a trauma-informed therapist that does not do EMDR or CBT based therapy and my clients report it as being really helpful.

Thank you all for your replies. I am looking into courses I can do to build my knowledge (and confidence) and hopefully open some doors for me. I think even having a 5 year escape plan will help me feel better in the meantime. I've got an assessment for some counselling tomorrow which should help too, hopefully.
Thanks for your advice.