Respect at work

[ElTingo]

Just interested, what makes you respect someone ( or not) at work?

I work in a team which I have been in 10 years and have started to not feel respected. The team members change quite a lot and we have a few new younger team members and I feel this is where that feeling/ dynamic is coming from.

The other person in the team at the same level as me is a very successful, dominating, opinionated character. I suspect most people are intimidated by her. I'm much softer, which works for the role I'm in, but I feel like I'm seen as weak. They idolise my colleague and want to all be like her. The reality is, we all have different skills in the team and we compliment each other. One of the new staff was insulted to be compared to me rather than her, which I think is where this post is coming from!

I don't think it helps that I'm overweight and quite happy in my own skin, whereas colleague is superfit and is out a gigs etc put effort into staying young and relevant.

Myself and colleague are both early 40s and young staff 20s.

Rather than 'weak' how about the words 'settled' or possibly even 'unambitious'? Which is fine when you are in your 40's have had some experience in life and know what you are doing in your job. You've got nothing to prove and you know your worth - but they are not qualities that are prized in your 20's and really nor should they be.

You and the 20 somethings are speaking a different language - you are possibly even giving off the same vibe as their parents (and when I was in my 20's I had an absolute horror of being thought to be anything like my parents, so uncool and staid I thought then!) , whereas your colleague by, as you say, 'putting effort into staying young and relevant' is still speaking theirs, which is something they can relate to. She is what they want to be - experienced and sure of herself (which they are probably not) but hasn't 'settled' into the tedious responsibilites of middle age as they probably perceive their parents - and perhaps you - have.

I wouldn't worry about it, as long as no one is being bullied no one is doing anything wrong. Being soft is fine, and in a 40 something is a good quality, calming and easy to be around, but in business it isn't something to aspire to be or to emulate necessarily when you are in your 20's.

As for what makes me respect someone I work with or not - if they turn up, do their job, are honest, reliable and not lazy or regularly shift their work on to me then I respect them. I'm closer to 60 than 40 now so older than you and I work with all ages from 20's to my own. Some of the 20 somethings are more responsible than the ones my age - and I respect them more becasue of it!

Integrity.

Integrity, loyalty, hard working, calm under pressure, experienced and knowledgeable. However twenty somethings are likely to value different qualities. They also have a different mindset about work life balance, they are more likely to take sick days, MH days and less likely to stay late or do unpaid overtime. They do have more of a sense of entitlement in the workplace often not matched with their ability or experience. They are impatient and don't cope well with stress or anything negative. A lot of generalisations here I know but all in all OP I would not worry too much about what they think.

I dont respect people who are lazy and don't do their jobs effectively and then make mine twice as hard.

I did a terrible job chairing meetings for a while (long story). I have immense respect for people who make meetings productive. Action points, hold people accountable. Boy do I despair of pointless meetings.

Also, Folk who offer unique & very helpful insights. People who get done stuff they said they'd do. Also people who listen with respect & explain well why they may take different decisions, very factually. People who engage & take other people's views on board.

@WeegieWan Thank you for that perspective. I do suddenly feel like I've crossed into being 'parent aged' ( even though some of the younger staff are less than 5 years younger than me). I'm well respected by peers denies and have always been one of the youngest in the team until now.

I am settled snd respected by my colleagues. I work in the caring profession so being 'soft' is not unusual in the job role.

You are right, 20yos value different qualities and I can see the current 20yos value ruthless ambition and also another staff member who is beautiful ( with boob job and botox) above another member of staff who is fantastic bit doesn't go for aesthetics. It's rather depressing!

@SilverGlitterBaubles Thank you. I'm finding the latest under 30s quite different to manage. Bravado but with shaky self confidence underneath and strong boundaries( which are not a bad thing) which make it feel less ' team like' and more individualistic and like it's hard to push them out of their comfort zone.

We have a new 20something member of staff starting next month who has a reputation for being difficult to manage and I don't want to come across as weak!

I like all your points of respect @lljkk

people who are good at turn-taking, active listening, making a conversation not a monologue. When I chair meetings, I make sure the quieter colleague are given air-time. I also point out to team members who cut over people when they're in the middle of saying something, that they need to improve their listening skills, not formulating what they want to say waiting to butt in!

Meeting commitments, agreeing to doing something and not giving lame excuse as to why it hasn't been done 3 weeks later 😊

Colleagues who acknowledge different perspectives.

@ElTingo is your manager/team leader doing anything to set the culture in your team. If the behaviour you describe was going on in my team I'd be having words about it, as it's very damaging. A lot of managers think that open competition between team members increases productivity, in most cases it doesn't, it does the opposite, it creates a toxic dog-eat-dog environment. I won't tolerate that, it's very stressful. I call people out on bad behaviour.

@daisychain01 my manager is fabulous and used to be very present in the team and set a respectful tone, but the dynamics have changed and she is now more remote. The team used to be close, but hugely overworked. Now we have more (less experienced) staff, so my role is more teaching/delegating/ managing than the hands on frontline role that I ended up due to poor staffing.

Interestingly, I think they treat my manager a bit like me, with less respect than my colleague as she is also warm/ friendly and has no pretence of being cool/ young.

Also OP just curious as to how you feel that they have less respect for you than your colleague?

@SilverGlitterBaubles they have discussing issues with my colleague -things behind my back, rather than speaking to me directly. Not anything major but it's annoying.

Lots of messing around in the office and comments which cross the line when I am in charge.

Refusing to do certain tasks for me (which are in their job role) and asking me to do them as they don't feel confident. They wouldn't dare ask colleague, she has openly said she would ' go mad. Meaning my task list that day is bigger. I do delegate them back and offer training if they are not confident, but this issue still occurs for me and not my colleague.
General comments about how fantastic colleague is and wanting to be like her and pulling faces at being compared to me.

I do get that their perspective is different and I can see why they idolise my colleague. She's confident, assertive and takes no shit.

I'm thinking you need to change your approach OP, less soft and more firm with these people if they see you as a bit of a pushover.

my manager is fabulous and used to be very present in the team and set a respectful tone, but the dynamics have changed and she is now more remote

I'm not convinced your manager is that fabulous. She isn't managing the team and disrespect is creeping in. She needs to be more present in the office, not all the time but set some regular days per week to get things back on track. Being a nice or intelligent person doesn't necessarily qualify someone as a good manager. To be that, the person needs to set the cuktural expectationd of respect with a clearly stated routine, especially as some members of the team are in the early years of their career.

Can you confide in her and get her to acknowledge that the atmosphere is becoming toxic. She won't be aware if she's always wfh.

cuktural expectationd = cultural expectations

@SilverGlitterBaubles I think you are right. I've strayed into pushover territory with this new work set up

@daisychain01 I think some of the problem is she is no longer as physically present to lead the team and set the tone how she used to. She would definitely listen and want to rectify this.

We have always been quite friendly and casual as a team, but I think I will have to put on a more professional front from now on.

This is an interesting question OP. It sounds like where you work is quite image-driven; I can’t recall thinking in previous jobs that more conventionally attractive colleagues commanded more respect than others but perhaps the demographics are quite different to your industry.

Anyway, in general these qualities garner respect from me: honesty, reliability, good naturedness, good listener, helping others, being knowledgable and experienced, being even tempered, able to be tough when needed and being kind. Especially in managers!

We have always been quite friendly and casual as a team, but I think I will have to put on a more professional front from now on.

very wise. I never let my guard down at work, it doesn't pay in the long run - familiarity breeds contempt as they say.

Just wanted to update this almost one year on.

2 of the staff junior to me have moved on and new ones have come in to our team (standard for job role in our team) The dynamic is so much better and back to what it was previous - open, honest, trusting.

In hindsight one young staff member (who was very charming but underneath the veneer of confidence had low self esteem) had what can only be described as an increasngly obvious weird co- dependent relation with my colleague at the same level as me, which got clearer and clearer as time went on(lots of dinners after work, gigs together and babystting her kids for her). She hugely flattered her and my colleague completely fell for it and would not have a word said against her- very strange as she normally quite objective and keeps her distance at work. None of this was said in the open but young colleague would drop little hints about the meet ups.

Other staff members noticed the same dynamic between them and the subtle passive aggressiveness towards other peopld from her. This changed the dynamic of the whole team and seemed to make the less confident staff have an even bigger confidence wobble.

It wasn't obvious what was happening when I wrote this but I can see it clearly now.

The lesson I've learned is trust my senses when the dynamic doesn't feel right!

Thanks for update. x

That's a great update.