Leaving work at work

[Racingcargreen]

How can I leave work at work? How do I stop going home and thinking about things?

Due to childcare arrangements I start and finish work earlier than most others. I tend to log on and check my emails on an early evening so I have heads up about anything I need to deal with in the morning - this is beneficial to my anxiety as I like to mentally prepare what my day is going to look like.

But then tonight, I opened an absolutely shitty email. I've spend the last couple of hours stewing over it. I'll have probably mentally written a reply tonight which will help tomorrow morning. But I'm spending my whole evening ruminating over things.

Even if I hadn't checked my emails/received this email, I would probably be thinking about things I need to do, I haven't done, should have done differently. I just can't turn off.

How do I do it?!

Hello,
I am exactly the same and maybe someone will come along with a more defined answer. For me its just about having that willpower (like not eating that chocolate biscuit when I'm on a diet 🙃!!). I have done exactly the same, read my work emails and a certain email or trail of emails have infuriated me and its spoilt my evening/weekend/leave. I refuse to do it now. My time is my own time and I've learnt this since burning out in a previous job. I will after a period of leave read my emails the night before so I'm prepared but that's as far as it goes. I don't get paid enough anymore to get ill over things outside of my control.

Sorry to hear that OP, I have anxiety so sympathise with your situation.

You say checking in the evening helps with anxiety - I think when you do this you’re opening up the possibility for it to ruin your evening (as it has done today).

What kind of job do you have? Do you need to be ‘on’ a lot or contactable outside of working hours? Personally I think enforcing strong boundaries helps with anxiety more than trying to constantly know everything; that way lies madness because i) it’s impossible and ii) no one cares as much as you. For the time you are paid to be working, do the best you can and be conscientious and engaged, but in your own time stay away from obsessively checking work email if you are able to because really that is the only way to find peace.

I haven't managed to perfect this! But what I do is end the day feeling like I've done everything I can. I also write my to do list for the next day so I know I've got a handle on everything. I have a weekly meeting with my line manager and make a point of asking for feedback or if I've missed anything. He's not terribly great at praising me, so I do this so I know he's happy with my performance. I don't drink during the week because that's a recipe for a 2am wake up stress session. But sometimes you do just have to accept it. Like getting an email tonight - the good thing is you're formulating a response over a few hours rather than sending one in the heat of the angry moment (one of my downfalls).

I'd also echo @Biscuitlover456. You care way more than others. And also, you are doing enough already. What you can do in the time you have, is enough. Sometimes it just has to be.

Thought it might be helpful to share here a thought that helps me when these times pop up.

I remember that whenever I say ‘yes’ to thinking about/doing work outside working time I am in effect saying ‘no’ to something in my personal life.

Thank you for your lovely comments. I guess it ultimately boils down to willpower, forcing myself to switch off. That's easier said than done! I turn my work phone off when I'm on leave but I stupidly once checked my work emails on my personal phone, they're not linked up and I physically have to log in, but the temptation is there now I've figured out how to do it.

The email was from a partner who is well known to be difficult. She's got stuff going on in her personal life, but she always is so negative and unpleasant to be around. We are making some changes and I know she won't be happy about it, all I did was send an email saying we need to have a catch up about things going forward and the reply was completely unjustified but not surprising. My line manager is the CEO and I'm making her come to the catch up to explain things as they are the ones requesting the change, as well as moral support for me!

Department manager, generally don't need to be contactable whilst not at work, but there are occasions when staff are working beyond office hours for events that they might ring or text with a quick question, but no, generally I don't need to do anything once I step outside the office.

I agree, I care too much. I don't need to know if I'm not there. I'm not paid enough for the time I am there let alone doing extra work or thinking when I am not!

I'm going to do this. A to do list for the next day/coming days.

If I think of something when I'm not at work that I need to do, I text my work phone. Then it's out of my head and I don't need to remember to do it.

I absolutely empathise with this @Racingcargreen

In fact I'm sitting in bed now, phone in hand, trying really hard not to look at my emails.
Vie had exactly the same experience as you many times, where a difficult email has ruined my day / evening/ weekend.

For me it is purely down to willpower, which I lack, and trying to do other things.
It's the anxiety that makes me look.

Good luck!

I could have written this myself. I find it so hard. My work has adopted bring your own device so I now have all my emails and work docs on my phone. I too like to mentally prepare my responses but it affects my personal life and I have bad anxiety so makes it all even worse. I am on holiday for couple weeks this year abroad and I really need the willpower not to do it there! Sorry not much help but you are not alone.

Thank you @Haribosweets ❤️ look after yourself

And @Alwaysworryingoversomething ❤️ and anyone else who cares too much to the point that it's detrimental to our self care

Do not look at emails after you finish work. Turn off the computer and phone and leave them turned off. I have a desk pad with the days of the week on and before I quit for the day, I note down the next day's meetings and what I want to achieve. Then I close it all down and that's it.

I've made the mistake of doing what you're doing and the last time was just before a holiday that I desperately needed and it was from a director telling us that our work patterns were to drastically change and I spent the entire holiday worrying.

Try and have a cut off routine as well so that if you work from home, you go for a walk or you exercise or meditate afterwards. And dont forget to do the same beforehand. Get "to" work feeling like you've travelled and that it is separate from your home and keep it that way.

I've read way too much stuff saying that we are mostly stressed these days because we no longer have periods where we zone out and do nothing. We're always online or checking "stuff" like our phones. Our brain is frazzled by the information overload and by always being on guard.

And on that note, that's enough of this, I'm off to read a book. And yes, I suffer badly from anxiety but I am starting to control it via meditation, diet, exercise,, journalling, volunteering and learning coping mechanisms. It takes a while though.

Make it harder to log on, so take emails off your phone and lock the laptop in a cupboard. Then, read 4000 weeks by Oliver Burkeman, as he explains how dealing with email just creates more email.

Find a new role model. A colleague who does the minimum, says no to 'opportunities' and clocks off on the dot.

We're conditioned to despise skivers, shirkers and piss-takers, but actually these people have the right idea. Work means selling your life by the hour: don't give it away for free.