Do your DC come before work?

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As it says really. I'm 45 with 2DC who are now at senior school. Both myself and DH have always had NMW work that fitted in with DC (school drop offs, plays, field trips etc.) and as mum I have changed jobs to fit in with DC so I as a parent are there for them after school and able to drop off/pick up. It is what has been important to us as a family. However I am now finding despite enrolling on training courses etc. over the years I cannot progress. Anyone else find this? Have I been wrong all these years to put my DC before finding roles in London (for example) that allow progression but perhaps little time for DC over the years. Help! I feel at the bottom of the pile!

Hello there,

I am in a similar situation to yourself in that since having my DC have always done work that fitted in with family life and these have generally been NMW. I figure once my DC are older I will concentrate on me a bit more. For the time being I am enjoying being a mum and being there for them. I've never been career minded anyway lol

Well there's no point having regrets now, it won't change anything. I personally think it doesn't need to be all or nothing and have managed to make progress in my career but without sacrificing too much at home, the paradox is the more senior you get the more flexible it can be. Anyway, it's not too late, have a look at the public sector, lots of different career paths and it can often offer more flexible working that can work around family life.

I've had to put mine first as I'm a lone parent. I hope I can increase hours and maybe improve my skills once they finish school.

Well, yeah, I suppose so. I've been in the position twice where part time has been turned down so it's keep an ok paid job or leave for nmw. Sadly both times I wasn't in a financial position to accept the cut in salary

The old ‘having it all’ fallacy. I don’t think there are many people who have highly paid, stimulating careers with lots of progression who are also around for the vast majority of their DCs waking hours. You have to chose where your personal balance is. As a PP said, no point regretting what you can’t change now - you did what was right for your family at the time, but all choices do come with a price.

@VivaVivaa it is completely plausible at secondary school age in many parts of the public sector and no doubt private too, I am civil service at a senior grade in a fulfilling career working predominantly from home, flexitime, never missed a parents evening, school assembly etc etc, as are obviously my colleagues. I'm not going to proclaim to "have it all" as that is subjective, but it is completely possible to have a career and family and a balance them well, it's as much of a disservice to women to make it sound like it is completely unobtainable. There is a middle ground between being 2 x CEO household working 80 hours a week to working NMW with no attempt at progression in a misguided belief it is the only way to manage family life.

Too late to have regrets now. Personally I worked my arsed off to get to where I was in my career before kids. Having kids didn't mean I was going to give that up. I had a year off after Dts and went back pt until they started school. It still took me a good few years to get to where I would have been if I hadn't had a year off and 4 years pt. If I had had another my career would have been further stalled.

It's hard enough to get back into your own field after ml / pt / sahm never mind getting into a new one.

I put my children first but it doesn’t mean minimal wage jobs. FWIW, I have always worked full time and put my children in nursery and wrap around care. What I refused to do is to trade in time with children for a higher paying job for flexibility, lots of travelling away for work, or long commutes. I also spend all my annual leave with my children.

Having a more senior role actually can mean flexibility in work hours. Between DH and I, we have not missed a single sports day, school assembly, concert or nativity. (We are both higher rate tax payer, though I read somewhere than 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 of those getting child benefits have to replay part or all of it anyway. So lots of parents are higher rate and it’s very common). Now with WFH, either DH or I are doing pick-up and drop off. We aren’t paying for any childcare anymore. DC2 is in junior school now and it will only be another 1.5 year before she can walk home herself and no more school runs needed.

There is no point in regrets. Also are you sure you aren’t being comfortable in pursuing anything more than NMW jobs? Part of me not changing jobs is because I am comfortable and content where I am. I have no drive to chase more money.

Also are you saying you didn’t progress because you didn’t go for jobs in London? London is one of the ‘no go’ for me career wise because I would have spent too much time commuting. Even now with hybrid working, I have thought about if I were to accept a London based job, the maximum days in office for me will be once every 2 months.

There are jobs that are above NMW outside of London. Have you looked at those?

Thank you for your messages. I have always worked in the CS or local councils but doing administration work which admittedly is slightly above NMW. I agree that you don't have to work in London to earn better money but I used London as an example. I have as mentioned in my post done courses such as secretarial to make it onto the next rung of the ladder but they have been FT or out of county for example.
When my DC were younger WFH was never really an option and neither were there so many flexible options else of course I would have taken that option.

I never had the opportunity in my younger years to study due to living amongst some very difficult circumstances (I won't elaborate here). So when I had my DC and met my DH I was simply happy supporting them all doing PT work as DH is/was a high earner. I have moved around in LA and CS to different departments to get experience but it generally leads to nothing. It may be that I've now lost my confidence and not able to push myself forward. I don't think I've been wrong to put DC first but I don't think this has to be the end for me. If anyone has any ideas how I can get over this hurdle I would appreciate it.