If you work in a caring profession, particularly one that is heavy on empathetic listening do you find your tolerance for friend's and family 'monologuing' when you spend time with them has reduced?

[sharingiscaringnow]

I career changed about five years ago to a profession that is heavy on listening/empathy skills and overall I really enjoy my job.

It can be exhausting at times and I need a fair amount of downtime. In recent years I've noticed myself becoming exhausted by spending time with friends and family who 'monologue' about themselves and can't seem to hold a reciprocal conversation.

I don't know if work has killed this for me because it just feels like work when friends do this, or if it's a sign that I need a break from work or what.

But today, for instance. I saw a friend I haven't seen in months and months and months. I've been her sounding board previously over a horrible marriage breakdown but things have moved on for her, new house, new relationship etc.

Conversation goes like this:

Her: How are you, where are you working now?

Me: Same place I started in September (I know she doesn't know what I do there as I've never asked).

Her: Ok.

Me: How are you, what's going on with you?

Her: 45 minute monologue about her non molestation order with ex, her new boyfriend, her teenage son's issues, he house renovation.

She's been my friend for well over a decade and I think she's always been like this but it's like I just can't tolerate it any more.

I just wondered if anyone else ever feels like this?

I hear you, OP. I also work in a field that is very heavy on empathy/listening. Due to the absolutely awful life circumstances of many people I meet I sometimes find it so hard to be compassionate in my personal life. I understand that worries are worries and are important to the person who has them, but to me there are degrees. I think it’s compassion fatigue that I’m describing, maybe that rings true for you also?

A lot of family and some friends (neither of whom I see very often due to this) do this to me. It is draining and I resent the time spent when it is never ever reciprocated. I find it bizarre that they tell me the ins and outs of absolute strangers, yet would struggle to explain what I do for a living etc? It makes me very annoyed and that's why I don't put myself in that situation very often.

Not sure what the answer is.

Thanks @crimsonpeak I have experienced compassion fatigue in a previous role when working with a lot of trauma but it doesn't feel like that.

I just feel annoyed and offended that friends don't want to hear me, don't want to listen to me. Just want to meet up and talk about themselves and go on their merry ways.

But I think does it just feel like they have poor communication skills because they haven't been trained in how to listen? Or maybe I just have shit friends, I don't know.

Yes I get it! I have a friend who has a similar job to me, and she uses me as a sounding-board to offload to, but isn’t interesting in listening reciprocally.

@Randobelia that's exactly it! I know all about her life, right down to her ex husband's new partner's court case. And she wouldn't even be able to say what I do for a living?

I did a lot of 'dropping the rope' with friends last October and a few have crept in and got back in touch but nothing has changed.

I also notice with some people they'll ask how work, or family or whatever is going and I'll give an honest answer like "generally really good, the kids are teens now so that comes with it's own challenges like finding a holiday we'll all enjoy" and they'll talk all over me firing off 'solutions' like "have you tried camping? what about centerparcs?"

That I mind less as I get it comes from a good place. But you asked me how things are and I'm just literally explaining. I'd rather you just listened to the answer than feeling like you have to talk all over me. Gah.

Oh that's a real shame!!! Part of the reason I started this thread as I realised the only friend I feel like I have proper, reciprocal conversations with is a trained counsellor.

She asked you how you are and where you’re working, and instead of answering her you shut her down with a short answer? That might not have given her much to work with and depending on your tone (was your annoyance coming through?) she could have felt like you didn’t want her to probe? Could you have taken the opportunity to answer her question and to talk more about you?

Have you tried saying to people that you don’t need them to offer solutions and would really appreciate if they’d just listen? People can’t read your mind.

Also are they really truly monologuing, or do you keep feeding them with empathic questions and verbal nods etc that might make them think they have an invitation to carry on talking? It’s okay for you to not invite any deeper conversation if you’re not in the mood for it.

I appreciate here you might just be looking to vent but there might be reasons you’re getting fatigued that are within your control. Of course sometimes people are just a bit shit too, but often they simply just have their own stuff going on and know how to not take on other people’s stuff.

From a fellow recovering empathic listener! x

That's not how it went but thank you for playing devil's advocate.

Hi Op
I think your type of work is helping you to clarify more one sided friendships/relantships a lot more,
that proberly have allways been the case or have over time become that way,

Plus you naturally need to have a healthy balance with work /home life,
Of course every so often you need a bit of break /or a more longer break to recharge your batteries emotionally /spiritual as a person,
Just like everyone/most people do at times,

I think it's revealing this aspect to yourself too,
Which is not a bad thing,

I think it's real good thing,

I think a well being retreats even a spiritual slant one a mixture would be beneficial to you in a lovely quaint charming location off beaten track 👣 in a quirky building too

You Need to look after your emotional needs a lot better too, and realise you are just as important as them too in your life,

I also think having regular Holistic Therapies treatments for yourself of some kind be beneficial,

Look into doing a hobbies/interests that you are either curious about or put on the back burner in the past,
I sense that you could make extra money out of an interest that if you persevere with pay dividends
It will have the potential to develop in a surprisingly unexpected good way
Go for it..

Is this an AI response?

Or a well being retreat in a quirky location of some kind/way.. @sharingiscaringnow
Be beneficial to you

Let me know what you think,

I am quite intuitive at times

@sharingiscaringnow

What is A1 response 🤔?

I also thought AI

And I agree about the listening. I’m in a similar job. I find people (friends) mainly draining

That's actually really helpful to hear, thank you.

One of my best friends is a train driver - couldn't be a further job from mine. We go out once a week and talk nonsense, it's never heavy. Perhaps I need to focus just on those kinds of friendships than the 'dump and run' ones.

I wonder if the self centred have a homing device for good listeners/empaths.

My friend does this and it’s bloody irritating, I think she’s always done it but now I’m ancient I have less patience. She clearly doesn’t want to hear about anything I have to say, I’m literally used as a sounding board for all her woes. She also resents any good fortune, I moved house and she came round and barely commented. Yet she’ll monologue about the minutiae of her life for hours. I’ve detached from her and feel better for it.

My mother in law is similar, will bang on for hours about complete strangers. She must listen to them. She couldn’t even tell you what I did for a living. We met her with another of her relatives, who was such an incessant talker MIL was rendered silent. She was fuming!

Yes! I also find that I don't care about things out side of work. Or world events in general, in the way that I know I should. It's not that I don't want too. I don't seem to have the energy to spend on it. I love my job, but it can be all consuming at times.

Most people listen to respond, they don't listen to hear.

Yes I work in a role that is heavy in listening/empathic skills and often find people really draining. My husband has a similar role and we've both commented that after a day of working in those roles, the last thing you want to do is then listen to more talking or issues!
I think I've become more aware of people who "monologue" at me and find it particularly difficult. I do also feel that because of my role people often see me/treat me as their therapist and don't ever consider that I might have something I want to discuss. I do find it far easier to be around people who don't want to engage in heavy conversations, rather than those who want to meet up to discuss their issues, vent at me and then move on.

I have realised that people just love spending time with me for free counselling (I’m not a counsellor, but like you, trained in active listening).

Theres one in particular that regales me with the intricacies of her daughters life (new egg cups, sweeping of chimney, even what the sister in law of her daughter is doing….I don’t care one iota!).

She thinks I’m lovely. One of her best friends. I’m reality I find her so boring and draining and that makes me feel bad about myself, even though it’s actually her!

I was successfully interviewed for a job recently. She knew I was going for it. As an experiment, I didn’t mention the outcome for weeks and weeks. In fact, I only mentioned it after I’d handed my notice in. By this point I think I’d heard hours and hours of absolute drivel about her daughter. Really dull, uninteresting trivia.

When I mentioned starting my new job, she suddenly seemed to realise she hasn’t ever asked me how the interview had gone. But I did at least know where those new egg cups came from!

I have concluded, after feeling as you describe so well, that if you're able to show empathy and understanding through great listening, then some people just bask in, lap up, the quality of attention they are getting from you. They don't know why it's so "wonderful to spend time with Jane" or why they feel "jane is such a kind person" because they don't know that people can, actually, engage fully with another person. They weren't taught, it's an unknown unknown to them.

I have a "friend" who asks me, eg, "how is Billy doing at uni" (she thinks she's showing an interest) and I say "billy is struggling with exams, has hives prob cos of the stress, he came home last weekend and I took him gliding". And she will say "ah I've had really awful hives I think it's the cat blah blah". And she will not understand that this is not "conversation". She honestly believes she's interested in me.

I think it's a reflection of our society, and the emotional deskilling that's happened/ing. It makes me very sad and lonely. And fucking cross. Why should I give out, expend my skills, my compassion, and get fuck all back? At least at work you're getting paid.

I used to work in a role like this but left a few years ago as it was all consuming and affecting the personality and subsequently my family and social life. I have to be honest I'm almost a bit phobic nowadays of being talked at about some kind of trauma. I'm deliberately cagey about what I used to do as I don't want people dumping on me. One role I had I actually think I might have a bit of Post traumatic stress from as it was so extreme and intense dealing with so much projected negative emotion all the time.

YANBU. I have compassion fatigue and save my listening for my kids and my few very closest friends. I don't really talk ebout my difficult stuff to anyone as don't find it helpful, and I don't think it's always that "good to talk", it's all become very uncontained people talking about mental health all the time but that's another topic!

I'm sorry you've had this experience, too. It can be a really sad, lonely feeling knowing that someone isn't remotely interested and yet purports to be a friend.

Exactly this! At work I have to keep such strict boundaries that I present as perpetually "ok/good/fine" and yet if I try and answer friends honestly with any difficulties I'm having when they ask they're either not interested or as I described earlier talk all over me offering solutions, usually really obvious ones that it feels infantilising that they've made them.

I had a neighbour completely overstep the boundaries with me recently. Very intense immediately, trauma dumping and basically treating me as free therapy. Messaging late at night alluding to worrying things. I had to be pretty firm and she's basically disappeared. Even other neighbours noticed and commented on her behaviour. She's basically not interested in any kind of friendship unless she can monopolise it for her own interests.