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Original poster

Should I quit my job?

18 replies

MegaMouseNorrie · 28/03/2023 18:30

I have a relatively interesting job, fairly poorly paid, but with good conditions and reasonable long term prospects. I work 3.5 days. My husband has an extremely well paid job with a commute. During the week I do all school/nursery runs, shopping, cooking, dog walking, covering kids illness, school admin, homework etc as well as my own work. The logistics are fairly mind blowing for various reasons. He usually leaves while I'm organising (young) kids in the morning and gets home after they're asleep and I've cooked. We cannot jeopardize his job. We outsource cleaning etc and have childcare for my working days but I'm exhausted and have no time for any hobbies/exercise which seems nuts considering our household income. We don't have any family help. The logical solution is to quit my job, or try to get a sabbatical. My salary is inconsequential and I expect everyone else would be a lot happier and less stressed if I wasn't working. But I'm so loathed to turn myself into the family support human with all the longer term risk that entails, particularly after finding a job I don't totally hate and am good at. Do I struggle on and hope it's easier when the kids get bigger or do I give up work? I may get a sabbatical but it's not guaranteed.

OP posts:

runforyourdog · 28/03/2023 18:33

I think it would depend on how old the kids are, how much he gets paid and how much you get paid.

Plus if you will be happy being a SAHM or if you want a career longer term.

lucylantern · 28/03/2023 18:38

Personally I’d love to be a SAHM but it doesn’t sound like it would be a great option for you since you enjoy working.

Could you book an extra day for the kids in childcare so that you have a day to yourself every week?

How long until they start school as that will also give you some breathing space on your non-working days.

Lemonjade · 28/03/2023 18:51

I sympathise. I am in a similar position, as "family support" defaults to me as DH's job requires him to travel a lot.

I'd say it is worth exploring other options before quitting, but it seems pretty clear that you need to make some changes.

Can you drop down to 3 days a week? Being "on" for the extra 0.5 day is probably more stress than it is worth (from your perspective anyway). Agree that additional childcare would help to create some time for you to have a break.

If a sabbatical isn't appealing to your employer, you could look at parental leave? The last time I looked (a while ago), your employer cannot turn down your request but can ask you to defer it to a more suitable time for the employer. I think the maximum is 4 weeks per year, which is better than nothing. And would give you some breathing space.

leafygarden · 28/03/2023 18:56

I say stick with it. It does get easier as the kids get older. I went back full time when my youngest was in Year 5, and was very glad I’d kept my skills and confidence ticking over in the meantime.

QuinkWashable · 28/03/2023 18:56

I wouldn't. 4 years ago I thought I had a happy relationship, all was well, 3 years ago I thought we had some issues to work out, but we were still planning our retirement together. 2 years ago I found out he'd been up to all sorts, and I was so grateful that I'd held onto my career by the skin of my teeth and determination not to risk my future, because otherwise, he would have had me over a barrel and I would have been totally screwed.

I know it's hard. What else can you let slip/outsource? Do whatever it takes to make it through or you will regret it when it comes to getting back to work either because you want to, or because you have to.

green2468 · 28/03/2023 19:07

As above I wouldn't quit. Try go to 3 days or even 2 if possible and outsource other things if needed.

I also thought I had a happy life but I was a SAHM and the worst happened to me.
Just consider all options and consider where you would would end up if a split was to happen.

swanling · 28/03/2023 19:35

That all sounds illogically unbalanced.

Instagramearworms · 28/03/2023 21:35

I agree with those saying to extend the childcare. If you can afford for you to stop working then I am assuming you can afford for a bit more childcare (although i kmow its bloody expensive!)

Then you can use that time to do some exercise and have some downtime etc.

Do you get any free time at the weekend, or after your husband has come home? He needs to he pulling his weight when he is around so that you get chance to relax a bit too

AnuSTart · 29/03/2023 07:10

If he earns so much you need to get full time childcare which enables you to have a day to yourself. It makes no sense to not.

Do NOT give up your job.
This is foolish and you will be the Family Support Human, which suits some people (mostly women) but not that many I don't think- not long-term at least.

I gave up work for 4 years. It took me 10 to get back to an even keel in the workplace.

Elsanore · 29/03/2023 07:20

Get the children into childcare full time- 5 days proper full days E.g. 8.30 till 5. Try to use the free time for yourself not for catching up domestic drudge.

Get more hours from the cleaner and add more jobs to the cleaner's list like changing beds, ironing, laundry.

Take up something - doesn't matter what- e.g. Parkrun that takes you off out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend and DH is in sole charge of kids and it's a set in stone routine. Make sure to go for breakfast in a cafe after the run! Or equivalent.

Top tier bonus level: Book a holiday with a friend, no partners no kids. Make this an annual occurrence. If no friends up for it, take yourself off somewhere for a night or 2.

Carve out space in your life for you!

Unemployednobody · 29/03/2023 07:30

I'm unemployed. I was made redundant but because I'm also "primary support" and DH travels a lot with work - I have struggled hugely to find a new job that fits.

So I'm left as a SAHM. It's not as fun as you think it is! I miss intellectual conversation, challenges and my own money.

It's taking such a long time to find a job because I live in an area that's backwards and hates part timers. But we also don't have good wraparound care at school (it ends at 4.45pm).

I'm pretty sure that my area hates women too since last week I was directly asked IN AN INTERVIEW "Can you explain how a woman like yourself could do the role you applied for?"

Literally the most depressing thing ever.

Don't be me @MegaMouseNorrie

Original poster

MegaMouseNorrie · 29/03/2023 09:26

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your thoughts. To answer some of the questions, I earn very average UK salary pro rata, his is more like 300k, so you can see why it feels like I'm maybe being selfish keeping the job when it's making everyone's life more stressful. I can't really reduce hours any further due to the nature of the work sadly. I think I've thrown money at most things I can but always worth thinking about other ways to reduce my to do list without adding to the mental load! There's loads of things I'd like to do if I wasn't working but I'm just concerned the drudgery would expand to fill the time available and I'd end up with no career to go back to. I think sabbatical might be worth a shot.

OP posts:

WeeBitOfWoo · 29/03/2023 09:34

More childcare is the answer. At least for one of your days off. And that day should be for you to rest, exercise, have a day off basically. If your husband earns £300k he should be using some of that to make your life easier, not turn you into the unpaid help. I’d even consider a full time nanny if I had that family income.

Don’t give up work. Your kids won’t be small forever and it will get easier.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 29/03/2023 09:36

If your salary is low I would drop the half day. It will make a huge difference.

GOODCAT · 29/03/2023 09:41

With that income I would keep the job, but outsource as much as possible. Long term you need something for you that is not kids, home, exercise and socialising. You need work or some form of project or extended hobby. It is much tougher to get the work side if you take an extended break from it.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2023 09:42

With such a huge salary, can you afford a nanny-housekeeper? That would take care of school & nursery runs, potentially also dog-walking and some admin or some meal prep.

Don’t give up your job if you find it interesting. If you’re hesitating you know you don’t want it. Throw extra money at a housekeeper role.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2023 09:51

MegaMouseNorrie · 29/03/2023 09:26

Keep your job. Honestly.

It's so hard to get back into work after a gap. I feel your pain, I really do - I am full time and a single parent and it is UTTERLY exhausting. I still wouldn't give it up in your shoes.

Part time home help/housekeeper/sanity saviour would be my solution in your circumstances

underneaththeash · 29/03/2023 10:24

I’d work backwards - what time would you like for yourself, what would you like to do hobby wise, or do you just want a bit of time by yourself in the house?

it may just be something easy like joining a gym with a crèche, or an extra morning at nursery. It may be you want a babysitter/nanny on a Sunday morning.

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