Feeling conflicted - to return from maternity leave or not?

[CutiePatooties]

Okay, so before I started mat leave I was in a state! I got signed off a couple of months before I went on mat leave due to stress at work and mental health.

I was diagnosed with EUPD just before I went on mat leave as well and the perinatal mental health team told me that due to hormones etc all the effects of EUPD were heightened during pregnancy and that’s why I struggled to work at that time. They’re encouraging me to go back to work and assuring me that I’ll be alright. I’m just not too sure about that.

I get that a lot of people probably feel a mix of feelings when returning, so I don’t want to make a rash decision. However, my union have told me they can ask for a settlement agreement whereby they’ll ask for an agreed reference, paid gardening leave up to a certain point, an agreed announcement to other staff members and to not have to pay back my additional maternity pay.

I don’t know if this is the best option, though. I’ve made a list of pros and cons about working/not working and they seem pretty level. If I don’t go back then I’ll have to pay my childminder over a certain notice period (not sure what that is, as I couldn’t see it on the contract) and I’ll be letting her down as I’ve had this in place for about 9 months and she’s turned others away during that time. DH tells me not to worry about her and that she’s not bothered about us, but I can’t think that way. So letting her down, especially when she’s mentioned she’s turned other mums away, I just really struggle with that idea. Massively.
Then there’s the fact that being at home hasn’t helped my mental health at all. I don’t drive any more (now too scared to), don’t go out the house, I keep me and baby stuck indoors all week which can’t be good for her either.
Then there’s obviously the money side of things. We just about scrape by with me not working. I’ve taken a year off on maternity and the last few SMP only payments have meant we’ve had months with the bare minimum. It would be nice not to have to struggle.
With all this in mind, it’s a no-brainer right? Go back to work. If only it was that easy.
Before I got signed off, I started thinking everyone had it in for me, that other staff hated me, I was very isolated, found the work/life balance really hard, completely overloaded with work, got pulled up on my professional conduct in front of other staff (I spoke to another member of staff about a meeting I had with a union rep involved- I know, that was stupid) and pulled up on my performance in front of other staff. I was put in a building completely out of the way of other people and spent my lunchtimes sat in the staff toilets just sobbing. The workload meant I had no time with my eldest DD, so that would only be the same, except x2DDs. Workload to bring home + 6 year old DD + 11 month old + maintaining everything at home + EUPD I’m just not sure if I have it in me to manage/cope.
I do feel like work would be happier if I didn’t return. There’s one member of staff I would say is my friend, but mostly I have a way of pissing people off/grating on people so I think they’d love it if I didn’t go back and I’m 99% certain management would agree to a settlement agreement based on experiences I’ve had with them in the past. I do agree I must be hard to work with, though. A part of me feels I should allow them to get on with things, without having to deal with me being a problem.

I’m really torn and confused so I’m sorry for rambling or if any of what I’ve said isn’t coherent.

I think in your situation I'd pursue a aettlement but at the same time apply for other roles. You.re not working just that particular workplace hasn't worked out.
Financial stress is no fun either and it would be hard on your husband to have to have the burden all on his own.

It sounds like your life would become very small if you don’t go back to work. Already, you have given up driving and are staying home. You are young, what will your life look like 10, 20, 40 years down the line if you disengage from the world now?

Are you getting enough help with your mental health? What is your husband doing to share the load and support you? You don’t have to work full times, maybe try a phased return with support and see how it goes.

I have been in a similar situation re returning to work and I left. I don't have EUPD but I have a family member who does and she doesn't manage to work and she doesn't have children.

Firstly I used to be a Childminder. Notice is usually 4 weeks notice, but it should be in the contract somewhere. Perhaps someone could help you look through it? Have you paid a deposit or anything? If not, all you need to do is let her know. If you have paid a deposit then it's likely non refundable. Speaking as someone who has seen countless Childminders have parents pull out, I can promise that if they know as soon as possible it's much easier to sort out. It's better for them not to put it off, as hard as it is for you. I've known someone parents just not turn up on day 1, or even do a week and then just not pay. Please don't worry. Just be as honest as you can. A phone call would be best so she can tell from your tone how badly you feel, or an email. Most people would be understanding, I know I would. If she's turned people away she might even have a waiting list and it shows that she gets regular enquiries.

You don't mention what sort of job you do. It sounds like something totally different would suit you better.

Stop and think about what sort of work life balance you want. Do you want 3 days a week or term time only, do you want to work from home or in retail? Think about how you want to share the housework and other things with your dh and how life would look in an ideal world. Honestly I think you should go for the settlement agreement, it's a good one and it will give you breathing space to find the right thing for you. You don't have to quit and stop working but think you have valid concerns about managing THIS job.

Definitely try and go back to work! You can always stop working if it gets too stressful. Go back and set yourself a time limit, say 9 months or so, and see if it's doable.

Thank you so much for replying!

it looks like an even split - 2 saying go for the settlement agreement and 2 in favour of going back to work.

I think it’s true that this particular job isn’t helpful and that doesn’t mean I can’t find a different/more suited role elsewhere. Think I’m leaning towards opting for the settlement agreement and searching for another job.

I definitely think being in work will improve your mental health and well being.
But it doesn't sound like your current job is a good fit for you and it's going to cause you stress going back there. I'd start looking for something else where you'll be happier. What about part time work?

The way I see it is that you have very valid concerns about work life balance that people without your diagnosis face in a different way. I don't think being at home full time would benefit you. I think finding a new job that you really enjoy would be much better and a settlement would facilitate would help you to do that.

@PoBaFla @MaverickSnoopy thank you. I will start searching for a role that I will enjoy/will suit me better.