33 and I've never really had a job

[JoanneH12]

Hi, I'm 33 and have never really had a job - I worked at mcdonalds for a few weeks when I was 18 but other than that...nothing. I have 3 children, 13, 12 and 5 and I am separated from their father. My 12 year old has numerous health conditions and disabilities so I am a registered carer for her.

I also have bipolar disorder and anxiety which was undiagnosed until 2019. I now take antipsychotics, lithium and a tranquilliser which have helped immensely - I no longer up-end my whole life in the throws of mania or sink into long episodes of suicidal depression. I have a care coordinator who comes out to see me at home every few weeks to monitor my mood and check I'm doing okay.

I see everyone around me moving forward with their lives and careers and I feel stuck but I don't know how to change it. My anxiety is such that I can't take my own children to school - how am I ever going to get on in a work place? Also, I worry if I do manage to get a job with zero experience, when my bipolar does play up (I still rapid cycle, just not to the extremes I used to) I worry that I won't be able to hold down employment.

I'm concerned for the example I am showing my children by not working. I have enrolled at university twice in the last 10 years and have done well academically, however the ups and downs of bipolar, coupled with my daughters ill health have made it difficult to see through and I have ended up dropping out both times.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

If you are medically incapable of holding down a job then don't feel guilty about that. Focus on being the best mum you can be to your kids.

I have friends in similar positions and it's really tough, disability as well as childcare/caring work making it harder to work (or in some situations to socialise, travel, do sport, whatever it is that each finds fulfilling and meaningful).

Of course, you are working, as a mother and carer, and that is valuable work, but if you want more I'd suggest finding out what you find fulfilling and meaningful, what interests or hobbies you can find time and health for and look at whether, longer term, they could lead to paid employment. Small steps in the present can be built on. Shorter courses to build skills, business ideas?

You're a full time carer to a disabled child whilst juggling a chronic health issue - you're wonder woman in my book.

My Mum hasn't been in paid employment since my profoundly disabled brother was born. She has set me a wonderful example and I have enormous respect for her (we're not actually that close as we're very different personality wise but that doesn't stop me admiring her strength and fortitude). I'm sure your kids will feel the same.

I am sorry OP, it sounds like you have really struggled.
Try not to compare yourself to others.

As much as society values work and sees it as a necessity – most people only work because they have to and for every “high flyer” you hear about, there are thousands of people in ordinary jobs just trudging along, working to pay bills, dreaming about retiring or cutting down hours, feeling guilty about not spending enough time with family, etc. That’s why they call it the rate race, isn’t it.

You are a mother of three children and a carer, that’s hugely important work of its own that has real human value. If you are ready to look for employment, maybe consider some part-time options at first, and see how it goes?

You're doing a difficult job caring for your dcs single handed, being a carer and trying to keep your own health on an even keel. That's superwoman material!
Don't compare yourself to others. Maybe eventually you could do something where its related to your own experience with having a dc with a disability and maybe you could work from home?
Either way, just do whats right for you and your family. Your dcs will realise when they're older the reasons why you haven't worked and appreciate what you've done for them.

I'd say you are very successful as you're doing your caring job as well as managing your own health and making a home for your children. Your children are lucky to have you and will realise more as they grow up.

But if you want, maybe you could do something close to your heart that works with your situation. Something creative like art or writing or gardening may give you an outlet and be manageable in terms of commitment.

I know what it’s like caring for a disabled child and it’s a full time job! Could you do a couple of hours a week volunteering just to give you the confidence to be around others and getting used to a work environment? If you’re volunteering you also wouldn’t have the pressure to be there if one of your children needed you. No judgement at all but how do your children get to school if you can’t take them? Is it something you could try once a week and see how you go? Again, genuine question and in no way judging your choices, just curious, what were your reasonings behind having the youngest when you were struggling so much or is it more recent struggles. Whatever it is, just focus on getting by day to day and set small goals. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Your kids will see how much you love and care for them and will never judge you, be kind to yourself.

Hi, thanks for the reply. My mum comes and takes the youngest to school everyday and picks her up again. The older two are in high school so they make their own way.
Complete honesty on why I decided to have my youngest - my bipolar was undiagnosed at the time and my dad was in intensive care. Stress is a massive trigger for me and I ended up completely manic. I started dressing like a goth, wearings wigs, covered myself in tattoos from my neck to my feet, going out all the time, spent upwards of 30k in 4 months. The list went on. It culminated in me thinking I could fly off a car park roof (luckily i was stopped) and pregnant with my youngest. What goes up must come down and I ended up suicidal and unable to function due to depression.

The kids had to go and live with my parents whilst I was very unwell. I was then diagnosed and put on medication and I'm now much more stable but struggling to take the next steps (into employment etc).

You should be proud of all you have achieved, despite such huge difficulties. If I were you I would concentrate in just baby steps like a PP said, in terms of trying to take your youngest to school and building that up, and other similar situations.

Keeping well and caring for your DC is a huge amount to be dealing with, I would put looking for work on the back burner for now.

As for taking them to school once a week, I did actually try last week. I went with my mum to breakfast club and waited outside whilst my mum took her in. Its a really complicated situation but the basics of it is I met one of the other parents (father of a child in my eldest class) at the school in 2015. We started a relationship and he quickly became very abusive physically. I actually believed he would kill me. When I tried to call the police he told me he would set the house on fire whilst we slept if I did.

His child no longer attends the school, however it is a massive trigger for me and it leaves me paralysed with fear. We still live in the house we lived in at the time and around the corner from where I believe he lives now and i am scared everytime someone walks past the house, knocks on the door etc. I am on the waiting list for a council house but the wait seems never ending.

Sorry to ramble just wanted to give the full picture!

I’m so sorry, you’ve really been through it. I completely get your situation now, having experienced bipolar with a loved one (I now know the signs to look out for if they are heading for an episode) it’s all consuming and the feeling of ‘untouchability’ until it all comes crashing down. The fact that you are here and caring for you children with the support of your family is amazing. I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising but I think you’re incredible for achieving as much as you have done with struggles you’ve had.

Based on your last post, is a fresh start what you need, not too far from your support network but away from the house and the school that has these awful memories.

As for work, how about looking for a simpler repetitive admin task you can do from home. It's never going to be well paid but it's a stepping stone back into work and I think the first portion of money earned isn't deducted from benefits. Do not rush it but something like data entry could be a starting point

If you are coping financially, please take your time to get back to work. With everything you’ve been though (just read your last post, that would trigger me and I’ve got no additional mh issues) focus on you and your family and when you’re ready start volunteering building your resume etc. but don’t rush and set yourself back!

Agree with others. You're clearly a really loving parent and very bright, and you're already being a great example to them of persistence and bravery by working so hard to give them what they need the most, a stable mother who is able to care for them and to ensure that only other good influences are able to stay part of their lives.
Down the line, it might be great to have the extra cash and self esteem that a job might bring, but for now it makes so much more sense to focus on being able to take them to school, handle the day to day and see how it goes. Maybe there are some volunteer roles you could do from home, there are quite a lot looking for everything from admin to marketing, and that could be good for your confidence too.

I have rapid cycling bipolar. I was off work for over ten years (I have general anxiety disorder and OCD as well) I am 5 months into a job and its going ok, I am so exhausted by it though

But, I have a partner, only one child with no disablities.

So comparing us would be like comparing apples and pears.

It might be possible, for you to get into work, but dont think that by not working you are setting a bad example to your kids.

Take your time with it, as PP baby steps for you, if that is sitting five minutes away from your home on a bench for 6 months do that, if you try and speed it up faster for anyone other than how you are coping, you will take one step forward and 5 giant steps back and have to build yourself back up to get to the bench, rather than sitting it on for 15 minutes.

Its an exhausting journey and I get it

I'd say being a carer is a job. With your health condition I think having a home and three healthy kids, being a carer and making sure they're fed and happy you're actually doing really well!

I agree being a carer is a job in itself. It sounds like you've had a tough road to recovery and that you're doing really well, and thank goodness you are here for your children.

I am sure that what your children want (and need) is you being as well and healthy as you can, looking after them and yourself. If that doesn't involve being in work that's actually fine.

The situation with the ex partner and school and house sounds absolutely awful and I hope you can find a way to resolve it soon.