Managing emotions in difficult conversations

[oscarcat99]

Without giving too much detail, I have been through a process with my manager where she wanted to make a major change to my role. I resisted this (explained my points and essentially begged her not to do this) and she rolled back the decision the following day. However during that meeting we got into a conversation where I felt she was accusing me of not doing enough within our team. I was pushing back giving examples etc but the connection dropped mid conversation. She refused to resume (I callled her straight away) and after 48 hours of not being sure what was happening, she contacted me to request a face to face 'managed meeting' with a third party.

I have a number of concerns, notably that the independent person is better known to her than to me, and that I don't know what her specific reasons are for not wanting to speak to me.

My biggest concern however is that I have a tendency to get very tearful if I feel I am being told off, or someone is being unfair or not listening. Given the meeting is only half an hour I can't risk not being able to get my side across because I'm a sobbing mess. Any top tips for how best to avoid this would be great.

I have found the following can be useful:

1. Stick to the facts and factual information. I have completed x tasks, my job description says y. Try and keep emotions out of it if you can.
2. Write down what you want to say. Then you can have it in the room, and hand it to them if you feel it’s appropriate. At the very least it will be a prompt for you.
3. Don’t feel pressure to respond on the spot, ask for time out if you need it.
4. Ask for examples or evidence if you don’t feel the accusations are fair or justified.

Good luck and I hope this helps you a little.

If she wants to make a major change to the role and you do not agree, then it could be a redundancy and there are procedures for that. You might also want to start getting legal advice.

The way it is being handled sounds awfully and needlessly confrontational. A redundancy is what it is but she sounds like she is starting to make noises about performance which has resulted in turning up the temperature a lot.

Is the face to face managed meeting with a third party part of your company's HR procedure? Can you check your HR policies and whether you have a say as to who the third party is? If this is not part of HR procedure, I am not sure how your manager can impose this on you or this can be binding on you. In any case, you should ask if you can bring a friend to attend with you for support.

Hopefully someone in HR or who knows employment law will come along soon.

A few things stand out to me.

Firstly, you begged her not to do it? It sounds like you got very emotional and so she went back on it, but actually still needs to make the change and hence the facilitated conversation that's going to take place?

I think from her reaction she's finding dealing with you a bit tricky. Begging her not to make a business led change, then pushing back at her to the point where she doesn't want to resume the call.

I'm not making any judgement of who is right and who is wrong, but you might want to read back what you've written and reflect on your approach. She probably needs to do the same, but you can't control that can you.

I would send her an email asking for clarification of what the meeting is about, so you can be prepared.

It's always tricky when relationships at work break down like this. I manage someone who is frankly difficult, unprofessional and does all she can to bully me including trying to triangulate my line manager to undermine me. It got to the point where I went to my LM and said I'm not going to deal with her without more support, and he ended up having words about the impact of her behaviour and laying down some ground rules. From her perspective I think would describe her actions in the same way as you - she thinks she "pushes back" etc and from her it's often actually just flat out refusing to do work ive asked her to. I'm not in any way suggesting that's what you're doing - my point is that when things go wrong it's the right thing to do to get support and intervention quickly like your manager is to nip the problem in the bud.

Thank you all. I have made a number of fragmented notes which I can pull together into something that has a coherent order - doing this is part of what made me realise that the short session planned is very unlikely to address all this. However without clarity about the specific concern, I can't narrow it down so I think the suggestion to ask for a little more information about what my manager to get out of the meeting is a good one.

Our organisation has a formal mediation process however this appears to be an informal version- formal mediation would go via HR. So I could refuse it, but to be honest that would leave us no better off so it has to be worth a try. Equally as it's not formal I assume I could call time on it if I do not feel it's helpful.

Begging was perhaps a strong word - it's more that I was pushing hard that there must be other options and that despite the points she was trying to make about positive opportunities from this, that for me those weren't valid. It's not a redundancy - it is officially the same role but in a very different department which would lose a lot of the aspects of the role I value. Hard to explain without outing myself!

As an employee who has had management decisions made adverse to my role and as a manager who has to sometimes deliver difficult messages, I think Polarbearfairy has nailed down why this seems a little out of kilter.

It does sound like your manager is feeling out of her depth in managing your emotions hence in asking for a third party to be present, rather than because it is part of a formal procedure. I agree you can call time on the meeting if it is going nowhere helpful for you and to ask what it is about in order to prepare for it.

My personal experience is that once a company decides that a role has to change, there is no point fighting City Hall. Your personal circumstances don't really change things and it is not really relevant how badly the new direction will impact on you personally, except the company may offer more support or give a longer period of time or softer landing. I think that is how you should approach it.

I know you said this is not a redundancy but if they are changing your role into another department and you don't want to go along, then the next logical step is a redundancy because your current role is not longer required for the business.

I would suggest that as your preparation to take advice (CAB, union, employment lawyer), so you know what cards you can play to negotiate the best settlement. It may not come to that, but I suspect your manager has already armed herself legally as she would have been advised by HR.

PS HR is not your friend in this case.

Sorry, I know it isn't clear but there are multiple of us doing the same JD in different departments. My role is still required - the original proposal was to move me to the vacancy and to move someone else to my role. They are now moving that colleague into the vacancy, which I'm unsure why they didn't do before. The conversation about responsibilities not taken on then followed as part of telling me the move didn't take place and came off very odd in the context, hence my 'push back' in terms of giving examples of where I felt I had in fact done that work. She didn't dispute those, just said 'that's not what I meant'. I have reflected hard and am confident I wasnt rude or confrontational - just standing my ground against an accusation.

All that said, I would like this meeting to work, hence why my post was asking for support in managing the emotions so I can make it effective. Spending a week trying to do my job with a manager who won't speak to me, alongside all the uncertainty about job role changes, has been stressful so I am worried my emotions will be high by the time it comes around!

Would she have managed you had you moved into the role in the other department?

Has there previously been friction or differences in opinion between your manager and you and she was hoping to move you to another department to make this no longer her problem? Since that did not work, perhaps she felt she had no choice but to tackle the original issue hence the conversation took a sudden turn?

As regards managing your emotions, you are going to ask her for more information about what this meeting is about, so that will allow you to mentally prepare for what she might say.

As part of the preparation, think carefully about what she had already told you and consider how she might have got the impression you did not do enough or take on responsibilities. Think of ways you can make her more aware of what you are doing or clarify your responsibilities, including how you could improve. However unfair her accusations, it is best not to focus on winning the argument (you cannot truly win, she is the manager) but instead focus on finding a middle ground where you partially acknowledge her point of view (this takes the heat out of the exchange) and work constructively to finding a mutual solution. Think of what this solution could be.

In other words, avoid going head on but try to move forwards sideways to avoid confrontation. If you disagree outright with her (even 'pushing back'), she will naturally use more and more forceful examples. If you acknowledge you could improve, she will be more willing to engage.

But if she continues to be an arse or keeps giving examples you feel are unfair, you can end the meeting. Have some polite words to do this, like 'I would like to reflect on what you said in a calmer environment and ask that we re-group on another occasion'. Dragging things out is also a negotiating tactic.

If you have a clear plan at the back of your mind of how you can manage the worst case scenario (i.e end the meeting), that might help to settle you and make this a productive meeting.

i could be reading into this the wrong way but from your own description you are coming across as difficult. Your manager is finding you difficult - Spending a week trying to do my job with a manager who won't speak to me she wants you out of her team - even if you manage to resist this, you need to think about how you are going to mend bridges because the tension between the two of you will be unbearable - so you might get your own way by firmly pushing back as you call it but ultimately all the things you enjoy about being in your team will seem small compared to the impact of the breakdown in the relationship with your manager. I know she is responsible for this too - she has indicated she is not happy either - only you two know what has gone on before this - but you pushing back, your getting your own way - will not solve your problem.

Ask if you can take in your own 3rd party person.

Agree with having someone else there as support. If it was still online, you could ask to record it.

I get emotional when stressed so find having a script in place helps me. And acknowledge any failings - letting the other side have a 'quick win' diffuses some of the tension. Anticipate what you think they are likely to be focussed on and have some proposed suggestions for those.

What's her management and communication style like?