Senior role and really struggling

[Sunneededalways]

Hi

Not sure what I’m looking for but could really do with some advice please. I took on a new role last autumn, it was a big step up for me in terms of responsibility but there have been a few things that have happened which have really knocked my confidence.

I feel so overwhelmed and have never felt work anxiety like this. It’s constant and I feel I like I never stop thinking and worrying about work. It’s affecting my sleep to the point that I’m using sleeping tablets a couple of times a week and I have started CBT therapy. I don’t feel like there’s anyone at work that I can talk to about how I’m feeling.

I’m just not sure that I can keep going but I’m involved in quite a few high profile projects. If I left now, I would really be leaving them (especially my team) in the lurch and I would feel awful. I’m also conscious that I’m in my 40s and leaving somewhere after less than a year would really limit my job options after.

What do I do? Do I just stick it out for the year and try and cope better with the stress? Or do I throw in the towel and feel like I’ve really let myself and others down?

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How can I get through this?

Take a deep breath, sit down with paper and a pen and write out all of your tasks.

• Do you need to do them all or could you delegate?
• are they all within your remit or should they have been allocated elsewhere?
• have you correctly prioritised them, are they all as big/urgent as you are treating them?
• do they need to be done at all or are they busy work with no tangible outcome?

What else is making you feel overwhelmed? Write it down then come up with a plan to tackle it.

If you've been put in charge of people are you utilising them to their full ability and desire. One of the most important things as a manager is to have a succession plan. There should be people in your team who want to develop and have the capability to do it. Train then, give them tasks to do, let them support you and gain experience to support their career progression. Conversely if you have people in your team who are not performing, have no desire to improve and are creating work then don't allow them to drain your time and energy. Start Performance Improvement plans, give them the necessary tools and support but no more than is necessary, they have a responsibility to drive their own improvement. Follow the company policies, be professional, be fair but don't do the work for them.

Ask for leadership training and support if you need it, do your company offer training or mentoring programs, if not is there a peer that you admire and want to emulate that you could ask for unofficial mentoring and guidance?

I literally want to hug you because I've just posted about my new job ( lots of responsibilities) which I'm sick with nerves and anxiety over. I'm now for the first time ever getting weekends off, yet I'm sat here almost crying at the thought of going in on Monday.

I've no answers but other than to say I feel the same. I can't leave because my other job went bust and we now need the extra money so I can't quit. Im waiting in your responses

I've been there, and all I can say is things definitely do get better. Now 2.5 years in and I'm generally coping well. Also, always keep in mind a date after which you can leave, just in case, so it always feels time-limited (which helps me, at least). Good luck!

No harm in job hunting but I think it would be very risky to pack it in without a job to go to, especially in your 40s. Maybe ask for coaching so you can offload at least, might help with coping until you can find something new?

I've been there! Not to the point I wanted to quit (more like that now after nearly three years, I had a lot of energy and it was better to throw myself into work rather than think about the pandemic), but I recognize the unprecedented levels of responsibility getting to you :/ Christ, my first month in this position is literally a black hole in my memory.

At my most panicky, I would get yellow sticky notes, write out EVERYTHING I needed to get done and stick them on a door. Then I'd arrange them into Do it NOW (on top), Can wait (middle) and Has to wait (bottom). Then I'd not allow myself to touch the middle or bottom categories until the top one was empty. Generally a good productivity tip is "do whatever you least fancy doing first". Easier said than done but it does work. God, the feeling of relief as the door emptied of notes!

If you've got a nice yoga studio nearby, I highly highly recommend going. You're not allowed to think about anything but your breathing and your poses and there are some very easy going ones (like yin). Your instructor will remind you not to let intrusive thoughts come into your head. It kept me sane the first year. I miss it so much right now (the nearest one now is shit) I'm seriously considering the hour commute back to my old one...

Delegate. If somebody else can do it, let them.

If nothing works, you should probably leave for the sake of your sanity, but try to learn a few techniques to manage before you get that ugly blot on your CV.

If you need help prioritising then I like the Urgent-Important matrix, once you've used it for a little while it becomes automatic, you can look at a task and immediately prioritise it without really thinking about it.

Great advice from PP's - I would add work on your network. Find the person/people in the organisation who you can open upto. They will have been there.
It's not weakness asking for help even at senior level. It's just the way you frame the discussions that's important.

Only at a more junior level but I had a business coach about 3 years ago who said if one of your team asked for help/feedback what would you do. Why do you think that your senior wouldn't feel the same....might not be completely transferable but she's got a point.
No one wants you to fail.

To me it sounds like you are doing just fine. I say that because you say that by leaving you would leave them in the lurch. That suggests that they need you and are doing well. If you weren’t, then by leaving you wouldn’t be letting them down. I think stick with it, believe in yourself, write down your daily feelings in a ‘happiness’ journal, and this time in 6 months/ a year reread your entries and see how far you have come. Best wishes.

Fake it until you make it!

Or do why my ex boss did, fake it until you get a new job and then others will pick up the pieces once you've left.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime really useful advice - I am also in a similar boat and really needed this. Very valuable advise , thank you .

Is there anything that is particularly stressing you out? I used to be in a position like this and had a 'red list of problems.' Written in red at the top of my to do list. Things that I knew that if I could sort those, I'd feel better.

Write the list, try to sort those things asap on Monday and then the rest of the tasks will feel a bit easier.

Google 'imposter syndrome'.

Wow, thank you so much all. You really have given me lots to think about. I think you’re completely right about the prioritisation and delegation. I feel like I need to do everything and that I’m wading through mud all the time - but how much of it all really adds value?? I’m going to print out that matrix and start writing out my list tomorrow.

I like the idea of keeping a journal too. I know I had a really bad night week before last where I had about three hours sleep, but this week I can’t even remember what it was in particular that I was worrying about that night!

Will keep coming back to this post and reminding myself of the things I can do to feel more in control. Thank you

To add to what @FatAgainItsLettuceTime has posted, when considering that matrix, think about it from the perspective of the organisation.
It took me a while to realise that I was the one who had to stand back and make that decision. I might have three or four people demanding my time and an immediate response as they thought their thing was urgent and critical and it was my role to assess those along with things which other people who didn't shout as loudly were doing and then decide which, from the organisation's perspective, mattered most and prioritise that. Just because someone is shouting the loudest doesn't make their issue the most important. Just because someone is senior doesn't make their issue the most important (although it is more of an indication that just shouting loudly). Just because you find something easier to deal with, doesn't make it the most important (although sometimes it's worth doing it so you tick something off your list and feel as though you've achieved!).

Can you work out what is causing you stress?

Is it the volume of work, the juggling of projects, managing difficult subordinates, giving presentations, writing business cases or other nerve-racking tasks. Then prioritise the order in which you tackle them and the projects.

Although you have moved up to a senior role, you are still not super human. People need rest and down time not breaking down and burning out. So I should speak having spent the last 3 years burnt to a crisp. A lot of that time was spent getting a business case for a team, training them and building systems and processes and educating the users/fee-earners and getting buy in from management. It was brutal but that's now largely done, so I can now breathe. I could have quit any time, but just soldiered on because this company gave me a chance and I felt some loyalty to try.

The difference is in a senior role, you are the one to have to explain clearly what you need and then convince the higher ups to get it for you and your team and why they should (i.e. good for the business and the projects). Yeah, you have to solve your own problems.

Are you senior enough that your organisation would fund a coach? If so, a grown up conversation with your manager or senior HR lead about the scale or your transition and your strong motivation to do your very best and your desire to have a coach might be interesting.

main thing your coach will say is you CAN do this, make time to think, don’t set yourself against a standard nobody else is meeting either. But hearing that said to your face regularly can be very helpful!

@Sunneededalways how are you feeling now? I’m in a similar boat, and feeling very incompetent and overwhelmed. Sigh.

Sorry @DustyDoorframes I’ve only just seen your message. It’s been a bit of a week so had come back to re-read some of the messages here as they really helped last time. I do think overall I’ve been feeling better and I do feel I’ve come a long way since writing the original message. The main things that have helped is trying to focus on the things that really add value and ultimately asking for help. I’ve been given access to a mentor who has been incredibly helpful and who is very good at reminding me that well-being comes first.

How are you feeling now? Were you able to put any of the advice into practice? Don’t forget that we are our own worst enemies sometimes and sometimes we need to tell that mean voice in our head to STFU!

If you haven't read it, the book that the urgent/Important matrix comes from, the 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey is one that got me through many a sticky situation in a high level job or two.

Oh l’m so glad things are feeling (mostly) easier @Sunneededalways !
In some ways me too, in others not
so much. There is a huge challenge on the horizon which I am jointly responsible for and frankly I’m scared! The other parts I think I’m more or less ok with now. I’ve actually got an interview next week for a position which is definitely a step down, albeit interesting and equally paid, and I’m in a quandary whether it would be career suicide…