Husband and work

[justamamax3]

Id like your opinions on this one , i am aware that this may seem trivial to some but its eating me up!

Hubby and i have been together for 17 years, blessed to have 3 healthy children, very lucky to have a nice house, get on well and currently not struggle financially.

however - hubby has always been a tradesman from school (30+YEARS) , talented good at his job , well paid , could be earning very good money , he has declared in the last 2 years that he doesn't enjoy it anyway , i empathized and we agreed he could should explore other things if he wants, (very lucky to be earning enough from me to support our house / mortgage and lifestyle) However, he seems to go from one job to another now with months and months in-between doing nothing , hes lost his way it feels ? we have discussed how this just feels unfair to me i work 36 (sometime more) hours a week, do the majority of club and school runs and carry the mental load of our house , we have discussed that it stresses me out when he leaves one job with nowhere to go . i do not resent that hes taking lower paid jobs id rather he enjoyed what he doing and know hes / we are lucky that he can even consider this , however it just all feels so wrong, why shouldnt he be out the house all day like me , why should the struggle be just not me.

he is helping around the home more than he was, BUT if i had that much time at home it would literally all be done with the mental load of the house ticked of too . im aware men just dont seem to see the to do list around the house or consider most of what need doing.

I cannot reduce or change what i do (self employed and detrimental to my business if i did.)

i am trying to be patient and supportive but feel like hes just now work shy and i genuinely cant seem to handle it! its grating away at me , we have no other issues that come to mind - i do love him, im just feeling hard done by in this situation.

so am i being out of order ?

or would you feel the same ?

Have you said to him EXACTLY what you've put on your above post?

Have you always worked outside the home yourself?

Step 1) express to him exactly what you have expressed in this post, talk it out

Step 2) he makes some changes based on what the root cause of this pattern is

Step 3) if he doesn’t, then you stop making up the extra. ie you stick to strictly only working 36 hours per week, you don’t do any housework when he’s not working, he does the school runs etc.

What professional careers advice has he had? Did he have psychometric testing to work out ideal careers? If he’s done this quite blindly without specialist careers input then no wonder he’s lunging from one job to another.

“im aware men just dont seem to see the to do list around the house or consider most of what need doing.”

Sorry but this is no more true than saying all people with blue eyes don’t pull their weight in the house. Where is the to do list, do you both have access to and and can add to it? We have a joint notes on our phones that we can both add to and tick off. I would say our chores are evenly split, each picking tasks that we prefer. I think you need to have a chat with him and split tasks equally. If you carry on just doing it of course he won’t notice that something needs doing. If my husband is away I often forget to do the cat litter as he always does that job and it doesn’t even register with me.

none, this is such a good point - thankyou ill take a look at where he can get such advise and suggest it to him - thanks

none, this is such a good point - thankyou ill take a look at where he can get such advise and suggest it to him - thanks

seems to be like this with all of my friends TBH . If i do a list he will do nothing , left to his own devices he will do some of the bigger things that need doiing i.e bathroom / ironing ect , however he will miss all the small bits , sptep over toys , ignore dusty skirting boards and sticky windows , ignore the rubbish and leaves in the front - the list of little jobs is endless, they just do not occur on his radar! im sorry if i caused offence its just any men i know seem to be the same as this - they just dont notice !

yes i have always worked in the office, cant change that with my job.

i have told him all of this , and it did end in a argument to which he did apologize, he cant seem to understand why i feel like this . he also voiced his frustrations with how things have gone, but doesnt want to return to his old line of work.

Be careful suggesting on here that the person who is at home the most (and working the least) should do the majority of household chores.

why should i be carefull suggesting that ? its an imbalance in my house, im not suggesting it for everyone else!

I find that so odd, maybe it’s where I live, friend group, etc., but I know no men like this. My brother isn’t like this either. Most couples I know both work full time, so maybe there is that and they are both expected to pull their weight. If anything a couple of the men do substantially more in terms of housework as their wives work longer hours.

I just think gender stereotyping is lazy and doesn’t benefit anyone - especially women. Women aren’t born with a ‘cleaning’ gene. I don’t see my male gay friends living in squalor or my female gay friends living in a prestige show home. Some people have different standards and it’s usually the person who has the higher standard that does most of the work and feels it’s unfair. Most of the time it’s down to lack of communication and unwillingness to compromise in both sides.