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Original poster

So if some of your colleagues went out for a meal one evening and didn't invite you, how would you feel?

26 replies

ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 15:47

This has happened to me and I feel quite put out about it - I wouldn't have been able to go but they didn't know that so it is fairly obvious they didn't want me to go otherwise they would have invited me.

I found out they had gone the following day (Friday) when one of them invited me to be a 'friend' on Facebook and it said on her profile that they were going for tea the night before!!

Our department is seperated into 2 teams and I have always tried to bridge the gap between the 2 to avoid a 'them and us' situation but it appears that is what they want which is a shame.

(It may also be because they are all young and I am 10 years older - and they didn't want some 'granny' hanging round with them )!

OP posts:
FioFio · 06/02/2008 15:50

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Message withdrawn

Oliveoil · 06/02/2008 15:50

over the bloody moon

nailpolish · 06/02/2008 15:52

why would you want to associate with facebook users?

pft

Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 15:52

Fio - I am fairly sure they did not think that someone else had invited me - it was definitely a deliberate 'non-invite'.

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 06/02/2008 15:53

I would feel put out. It has happened to me once and the only way I could deal with it was to assume that it did not reflect on me personally and ignore it. If you dwell on it, it can only upset you.

IdrisTheDragon · 06/02/2008 15:54

I wouldn't be bothered, but I am anti-social anyway.

Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 15:56

There are some colleagues in our department who never come out when we go out so I can understand them not inviting them but I am not one of those - I have always made an effort to go but I might think twice now for any of their leaving/birthday do's etc!

OP posts:
emandjules · 06/02/2008 16:25

i would not be bothered. in our dept, i often go out in groups and don't invite other people. I am sure they go out without me, doesn't bother me as long as we get on at work

MascaraOHara · 06/02/2008 16:28

If it was just you not invited I would be upset to.. and was (for anyone who remembers my Secret Santa thread from a couple of years ago)

Maybe they are friends outside of work though and they just don't know you that well yet.. if they are younger they probably just didn't think to invite you. If you are now chatting with them on facebook, you might get an invite next time.

wannaBe · 06/02/2008 16:36

I've been there.

was in a team of 5 and 4 of them went out on several occasions and I wasn't invited, ever.

In fact they would sit chatting at their desks planning their night out so it was a fairly deliberate exclusion - I have no idea why.

I was upset about it at the time but tbh I realized pretty quickly that I couldn't force them to like me and want to include me so I just put it down to being one of those things.

Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 16:40

Wannabe - how awful. At least they didn't discuss it in front of me (but they are in a different office so they had plenty of opportunity to discuss it in private anyway).

I wasn't the only one invited - we have 3 other colleagues (who are in 'my' team) - 1 is much older, 1 is our manager who I know they wouldn't want to come and the other is someone who never comes as she has a very busy life out of work. As I said, I am the only one who bridges the gap between the 2 teams and have been out with these people before a couple of times so not sure why I was excluded this time .

I have also worked here for years and used to share an office with at least one of the girls for a while - so I know them quite well so it is not a 'not knowing me' issue!

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GetOrfMoiLand · 06/02/2008 16:45

ceebee - are you sure it's not an oversight? Can you ask the one you know the best (and you used to share an office with) outright?

tbh I hate being invited for evenings out - I am not antisocial really (yeah, right) but I spend 50 ish hours a week with these people, I want to spend my free time with my friends and family.

Lulumama · 06/02/2008 16:47

are they colleagues or are you a manager of them? or higher up the ladder, as it were?

Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 16:49

No I am 100% certain it is not an oversight and they know I know about it as I put a light-hearted message on one of their Facebook profiles.

But I have been in work all day today and they haven't mentioned it even though I know this girl will have read my message (but I haven't mentioned it either tbh - don't really know what to say about it).

I like going out for meals as I love food and don't get out much now with DS - and they know that. It is not really the point that I wouldn't have been able to go anyway - there is a principle here

OP posts:
Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 16:50

Hi Lulu - I am slightly higher up the ladder but I am not their manager - and I don't act like I am 'better' or more senior than they are.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 06/02/2008 16:59

i am sure you don;t ever pull rank, but as you are older and more senior, they might not feel comfortable inviting you out., i don;t thikn it is 'personal', IFYSWIM?

whoops · 06/02/2008 17:57

Ceebee - this has happened to me and they have even discussed going out in front of me
It was a little upsetting but I am sociable anyway and have lots of friends that I would rather spend my spare time seeing.

Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 19:40

Whoops - how rude of them to discuss it in front of you! At least I haven't had that to deal with.

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whoops · 06/02/2008 19:42

that just shows their mentality really!
I leave there in 3 weeks though as I've had enough and was lucky enough to persuade dh to let me take a part time position! Hasn't come at a better time really!
Oh well the newbies will be able to brainwash my replacement as I am the longest serving employee there (other than the directors)

RibenaBerry · 06/02/2008 19:53

You said that there are two teams. Are you sure it was a deliberate non invite to you and not a 'let's just keep it to our team'. TBH, once departments get to a certain size, it's not viable to socialise as a whole group. You have to break into sub sets. I think it's only something to get upset about if it's like Wannabe described.

I would not be in the slightest bit bothered myself. Indeed, some of my department do meet up. I'm meeting up with a different group soon. I think it's a bit odd to alwyas be the whole group, TBH.

cat64 · 06/02/2008 19:57

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Original poster
ceebee74 · 06/02/2008 20:51

Cat64 - you have probably hit the nail on the head as I still think of myself as mid-20's (if not younger) but obviously in their eyes I am old. Plus they are all child-free, live with their parents etc. - in fact why do I want to go out for a meal with them anyway

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LOVEMYMUM · 06/02/2008 22:50

I would find this totally unacceptable.

Being ten years older is not a reason to not invite a colleague.

I started a job a few years ago just before Xmas and didn't get asked to the Xmas dinner in a local restaurant. I immediately felt "not part of the team", which came true 8 weeks later when i got fired cos "my face didn't fit"! (Yup, that was the reason they gave, and apparently its legal to do that cos i had no way of proving discrimination).

(A local recruitment agency said that they refused to work with this company any more cos they were very picky about the type of person they employed.)

MegBusset · 06/02/2008 22:57

I have had this happen in a few workplaces. I think people tend to be useless/thoughtless rather than deliberately rude, unless you are a complete nightmare (which I'm sure you aren't!). I think workplaces do become cliquey very easily, one way to get around it is maybe suggest you all go out to lunch one day, then hopefully if they see you relax over a pint they will include you in the next meal out.

Quattrocento · 06/02/2008 23:05

Pleased. Not that I don't like my colleagues - I do like them - but I have so little time in my life - that I would feel guilty about going out for dinner with people who are just acquaintances