Failed at going back FT after maternity leave

[StressedSquirrel]

Sorry. This is long!

Canvassing for a bit of advice on what to do with my career. Pre DS's birth, I had a good mid-senior position in my field (market/social research).

I started a new job after my mat leave ended, because I thought it would fit in better with family life (100% remote). DS has been in full time nursery, and without the hybrid commute it was (in theory) easier to be home every day when he got back from nursery.

The new job turned out to be a nightmare (extreme micromanaging and insane turnaround expectations). I lasted 4 months, but I handed my notice in after two weeks, where my DH had to do all nursery pick ups and drop offs, and I was also working on the weekends to deal with the workload. I had barely seen my DS for a fortnight and was stressed to the hilt.

Anyway, I am now looking for something else (luckily I have some savings to tide me over while I search).

I am worrying that my industry is just not compatible with family life. The hours are regular a lot of the time, but every so often there are these crunch points, like a writing proposal for new work.

Before I had my DS, I would just crack on late into my evenings when these weeks happened. However, now I have DS, I feel extremely guilty doing this, as it means I don't see DS that evening and I have to shunt all the evening childcare onto my DH, who also works full time. I also lack the energy that I used to have for pulling these intense work weeks, as I have a 14-month old.

DH and I are aiming for a 50/50 spilt of childcare. DH is in a different industry, with far more flexibility over his hours, and earns more than I do. He hates the idea of my career suffering as a result of having DS, so he is doing whatever he can to help me. However, me continuing to work full time in my industry has led to DH having to do more childcare than me.

I am thinking my options are to take a much more junior role, so that I don't have to be involved in the proposal writing stress and extra hours that comes with that, or go freelance.

Interested to hear from anyone else who is in a career that has these manic workload weeks punctuated throughout the year, and how you manage it with DC.

I appreciate that you’re aiming for 50/50 childcare split as an equal parent thing, but is there any reason why it has to be completely 50/50 at all times? realistically, how often do these intense weeks happen? Can it be one of those things you just suck up, knowing that it will even itself out again at other times, and there are times when you can do more childcare and your DH does less?

How often do these intense weeks happen and do you know about them in advance? Perhaps DH could use some leave to cover them?

If you took a junior position how difficult would it be to progress again down the line?

It's very hard to predict. Sometimes you can go months with no proposals, and then at other times lots of proposals have to be submitted in quick succession.

In terms of warning, I get told maybe a week or two beforehand: "we'd like you to work on proposal X". When it happens, existing projects don't stand still, so it has the effect of adding 1/3-1/2 to my workload. If this coincides with plans for family activities it's pretty miserable.

I am not sure what the effect on my career would be in terms of going more junior. Part of the issue is that proposal writing is seen as something you need lots of evidence of to progress to the next level up from where I am currently. This means that doing loads of proposals will inevitably be added to my annual goals/objectives in any role at my current level.

I’m basing my response on my background on consultancy, so ignore any irrelevant bits.

DH has a similarly busy-but-unpredictable job, and our approach is to muddle through. DD is 3 and it’s worked so far.

We don’t stick to carefully doing 50/50 - of one of us is busy the other picks up slack. I have more ‘standard busy’ periods, but her travels more. It probably evens out. When we’re both manic we book more nursery hours or granny steps in.

It wouldn’t make sense for either of us to be more junior - there’s just as many hours but less pay. But we are both happy to stay at our current (senior) levels while the kids are tiny - we’re doing enough to do well, but we’re not putting in the energy needed for promotion.

The key really really is that we’re both doing it. No way cold I carry on my job, but also feel I needed to do more than 50% of household stuff.

Do you have to work full time? You won’t get this time back with your child

I work in sales so understand about proposals and stuff.

I went to back FT after DC 1 and (most probably) will do after mat leave for DC 2. I have a fairly hard and fast rule that I'm unavailable between 5 and 7 and then if necessary I am back on my laptop.

DH understands the nature of my job and also my work ethic so is happy to have his dinner on his own/bring me dinner in my home office etc.

Where work is a bit quieter I tend to finish a bit early and pick kids up early from nursery etc.

Also I outsource as much boring stuff as I can so weekends can be for fun family time - even if that's just bobbing around at home

So it's only few weeks at a time you would miss out on being the one doing the most? I would just get my head down on those weeks but I also have a strict time out policy so if the task can't be done in my working week it doesn't get done, I'm good at my job so work just suck it up. Could you skip lunch or start earlier say be at your desk for 6am and DH drop little one at nursery so your still putting the hours in but can do pick up? I lived on a diet of caffeine when DS was little it does get easier he's now got loads of activities where I drop him off and get jobs done whilst he's there. Remember you might feel like your missing out but little one won't remember these years.

My job sounds similar. I invested a lot of time into strict 7pm bedtime for my kids, meaning if I ever need to log back on once they’re in bed, I can. Works for me.

Can you go freelance and work on one proposal at a time?

Outsource more help for those crunch points- eg cleaner laundry service, batch cook meals, takeaways, ready meals.

It’s really tough isn’t it? I returned to my own job, where I managed a team. I gave in my notice within a few days of returning from ML, to become a team member with far less responsibility albeit with the associated salary decrease.

The children are 10 and 12 now and I haven’t climbed the ladder again, out of choice. My two have additional needs, I may have done so if they hadn’t. I do plan to move upwards again when they are more independent; I’m late forties now, if I can have say 5 years on a better salary before retirement (Local Government pension, am aiming to retire at 60), my pension will be better. For me, family time is more important. I still work FT but it’s from home, I finish at 5 and don’t have to have to work evenings and weekends.

Evening work is no good once they ditch the 7pm bedtime in any case. But lots of families do manage with parents working longer hours, horses for courses.

Good luck with your decision.

With logging back on, I have tried this, and it just doesn't work for me. Before I had DS, I would just carry on working - might finish at 10 pm or even midnight, but I had the energy and momentum to keep at it.

Since I had DS, I have tried stopping at 5 and logging back on at 7.30/8.00, but two hours of playing with a toddler is tiring. I find that when I log back on I am far more tired and can't remember exactly where I was in the task. It's basically like the toddler and family stuff took the last bit of energy that, pre-DC, I could have used to get the extra work done.

I am also contemplating doing four days a week and keeping DS in nursery full-time. That way, there would be a buffer day for when my workload is high and on weeks that it's not, I could use it to deal with the never ending life admin that seems to come with having a kid.

I would say in all honesty the life admin ramps up as they get older and childcare gets less solid. Nursery then bedtime is the simplest your evening is likely to be. At this age the tough thing can be sleep deprivation, sickness and general neediness but as they get older you need to fit in homework, parties, activities etc, feeding them dinner before bed, listening to friendship woes etc. I don’t say this to be gloomy but more if you are thinking about how sustainable your role is, try and have a view to what things might be like at 4/5 when they become a bit more complex and you don’t have the benefit of nursery.

I have busy periods when things kick off and have had to learn how to log back in post bedtime (which is later). My 3yo is easy of an evening, my 6yo takes up much more mental energy.

In your situation I wouldn’t step down to a more junior role. If it’s sporadic and only for a few weeks that your DH has to do 75/25 but that’s not all the time, that is v manageable.

In my experience you want greater flexibility as they get older. School shows, after school clubs, homework etc. Greater flexibility tends to come with more senior roles which you’ll have worked up to.

Everyone has different priorities. My DC are v well adjusted and we have a great relationship - they benefitted in lots of ways by me being at work FT in a senior role. The situation you’re describing is why women’s pay decreases. What should happen is your DH pick up any slack for those times especially when they are happy to.

And PS you didn’t fail. You worked for an unreasonable micro manager and the culture wasn’t compatible.

If you work in market research, do client side roles exist in your area of expertise? I am in a client side role (think along the lines of Head of Insights). I don't have kids but many others I meet in similar roles move over from agency side, I think because the hours are much more regular and the workload more balanced throughout the year.

With 50/50 parenting I think the key is to take the child's life as a whole. You can't split every job 50/50 (I mean your partner couldn't birth the baby could they) and sometimes one of you will have to do more than the other.

It sounds like you have a very supportive partner which is great. If he's ok with it, it's fine for him to take on some more while you drive forward to get to a position where you could swap a bit.

I went back full time after my first and it is hard and you do need to put some boundaries in. You can't be working all night like pre kid days. However you can work smart during the day and be a bit more selective on how many fucks you give.

Agree with many of the comments on here. Also, you haven’t failed.

i also did the logging back in after bed time thing for many years. It was the only way to keep on top of things.
i also worked 3 days a week for a while - but kept my seniority. This was tough but made a massive difference as it meant that I didn’t feel like I was missing out on being with them but on those 3 days I could give it everything with DH stepping in to do more on those days. I have twins though which drove some of my decisions - nursery fees for two, plus knowing that I wouldn’t have any more children made it easier for me to decide on part time.

Obviously they started school at the same time at which point I went up to 4 days. They’re teens now and I still work 4 days and have been promoted way beyond where I was when they were born.

I would definitely look at doing 3 or 4 days if you can. If you keep at your level you can progress and when you’re more senior it’s just easier to have more flexibility to be honest, which you need when they’re older. If you remain in a junior position that will be more difficult. Yes, it might take longer to progress. It doesn’t matter.

I also work in an industry where some weeks are just nuts. Make sure if you’re putting in extra hours on those weeks, you take some time back when it’s quieter. Log your hours for yourself if you need to, so you can track it.

Unfortunately this is true in many sectors now. My best advice is counter intuitive, rather than step back, get more senior quickly so that you have more control. I know it sounds like the wrong thing but I have more flexibility than I did 5 years ago because I’m planning the workload.

Can you hire a Sat morning nanny so that you can in quieter times see your DH and in busier times do some work without it impinging on your evenings. I did this as a teacher for a while (madness and shouldn’t be needed of course but it very much was!). It meant I could finish at a reasonable time and not be working late into the night during the week. I know it sounds like seeing less of your kids but it worked out I saw them more.
Now I’m in a more senior position I’m able to afford to go part time.

If your DH is happy to step into the breach and do more childcare so that you can keep your job - grab that with both hands. Your career has already taken the hit of being female, having a child and taking maternity leave. He has male advantage of higher pay and being praised rather than penalised for taking on childcare. Dropping down a level for less pay will affect your future earning potential as well as your career earning potential. Dropping down to 4 days will mean all of that life admin falls to you on your 'day off' and when the crunch comes, you will have life admin and work. You are in a great position to share this burden with your DH...