Feels like my life is a fragile house of cards

[SlowlyLosingMyMind29]

Reaching out for some advice/perspective on my current situation.

I work in a high pressure/long hour City job, relatively junior. I am doing okay in the job and enjoy what I actually do, but struggling with life around it/the pressure that comes with it. I have found a rhythm now which has helped with getting by on a day by day basis, but whenever I switch off for a while, I realise that I am very much struggling still with some aspects: I feel like my life is a really fragile construct, I'm constantly on edge with regards to losing my job, feel bad about everything I do, always looking over my shoulder, and I just generally don't feel okay.

Has anyone else been through this at the start of their career? Suspect some of this is bad imposter syndrome, and also due to the fact that my life is very much work at the moment.

I'd be really grateful if anyone might have any advice on this, that might help me gain some confidence and feel less constantly on edge...

Thanks!

Maybe you could deconstruct what's going through your mind, and then work towards solutions ? For example, in terms of deconstructing what's going on:

• "I am doing okay in the job and enjoy what I actually do", YET "I'm constantly on edge with regards to losing my job, feel bad about everything I do". If you're objectively doing okay at work, based on performance reviews, feedback etc., why are you afraid of losing your job? If you enjoy what you do, how come you feel bad about everything you do? Could your fears and negative feelings be general anxiety rather than work-specific? If you can, that might be worth exploring with a therapist, or possibly that confidential employee assistance helpline that most employers offer.
• appreciate that you mention you for long hours in a junior, high-pressure job, but could you try to create some balance/some space/time for you to decompress to help you switch off in a better way? You mention that you actually feel worse when you switch off - have you tried physical activity/yoga/meditation to help you relax and switch off without going into a downward thought spiral?
• what do your friends/peers say? While I wouldn't recommend sharing all these thoughts with colleagues, it could be useful to establish or join some groups at work to feel more connected and create a support circle for yourself.

Thank you for getting back. Those are quite insightful points!

• Generalized anxiety is quite likely actually - I am working on things with a therapist at the moment and it has definitely been helping dealing with the anxiety at work. There seems to be a lot to unravel, and I do think it is starting to help (eg. I can better manage individual situations that make me very anxious) but I still have a way to go there.
• Thought spirals are definitely the issue when I switch off. In terms of activities, I do a lot of physical activity which helps me decompress. I do spend a lot of time alone however (I workout alone, live alone, etc.) so I have a lot of time in my own head if that makes sense. I am going to look for some group activities that I might be able to do to cut down on this time.
• Peers recognise the difficulties and pressures of the job but are better at dealing with it from what I can work out. They establish better boundaries, have more established lives out of work etc. which all help them switch off! You're right about the social aspect/"connection" aspect: this is probably what I'm missing the most nowadays, connection.

Hi Op, I’m a senior lawyer working in one of the big City firms so I understand the pressure. Stress, pressure, lack of sleep and an unhelpfully large salary (which means you have to work all hours to earn it) can all contribute to imposter syndrome and anxiety. It’s a lot to take on and not everyone can or wants to. Have you tried thinking your way through the worst that could happen? What would happen if you made a huge mistake and were fired? Or if you woke up tomorrow and decided this life wasn’t for you? Ultimately it’s just a job, you wouldn’t die and you wouldn’t end up homeless. Take comfort in the fact that you have options and at any second you can choose to walk away.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t encourage my child to work in the City, at least not in law.

Hello,

Thank you for getting back! When I ask myself those questions it definitely does help bring perspective. I would be fine in those situations you're right. I think I fail to actually ask myself those questions in the moments where they would be key (eg. when really struggling). It's easy to end up caught up in an endless grind and lack any perspective whatsoever.
Can I ask - as someone senior in this world - has it gotten any easier at all? It seems to me that it can on one hand get better: hours getting slightly shorter when more senior, more experience so I can imagine tasks being less daunting, and maybe more perspective. However, the expectations must be increased too? How have you managed the pressure (if you've needed to at all) to get to where you are?

Thanks!

Also if I may add, how have you balanced a role like this with "life" happening? I do see people managing to develop on a personal aspect as well as in these roles, they are maybe 5 years down the line from me though, getting married etc. However I also know a few who are 5 years down the line and seemingly having a "mid-life" crisis from having not having managed to balance things... Have you picked up any pointers on this at all?

Can I ask - as someone senior in this world - has it gotten any easier at all? It seems to me that it can on one hand get better: hours getting slightly shorter when more senior, more experience so I can imagine tasks being less daunting, and maybe more perspective. However, the expectations must be increased too? How have you managed the pressure (if you've needed to at all) to get to where you are?

I've worked in the City for the past 25 years and am now relatively senior. It doesn't get easier and the hours don't get shorter (not in my field anyway). The pace and pressure is relentless. What you find daunting as a junior obviously isn't daunting any more but there's a whole new world of daunting work to face, usually at pace and with added responsibility and visibility. And the politics to deal with / survive is awful. I feel like an actor most of the time as you can't truly be yourself (you're always being judged) and you have to watch out for everyone's agendas and adjust your behaviour accordingly. It's brutal and exhausting. But it can also be exhilarating and challenging and rewarding and most definitely never dull! Some people do their best work under pressure (like me) so the City can be a great place to work. But it isn't for everyone.

I use regular exercise as a stress relief (although recent health issues due to long Covid has messed that up) and I look after my mental health as much as possible. At times that means seeing a therapist if I need extra support. Mindfulness helps, volunteer work helps (reminds me that the City is very much an artificial world and isn't the be all and end all), getting out in nature and spending time with animals helps. Travel helps. Basically anything that clears the mind and gives you a mental break, and/or helps to remind you that there are more important things in life than the City! Try not to abuse alcohol, keep away from drugs. Finding healthy coping mechanisms helps. I live alone and I'm single and that definitely makes it harder as there's no-one to offload to and no-one to give support/encouragement. That also means no safety net when/if things go wrong (but by contrast, no dependents that I will be letting down if things do go pear-shaped). Being alone makes it so much harder when you're going through a tough time and that's why I try very hard to prioritise my mental and physical health. It's not linear though. There are a lot of times when it's a struggle. But if you can get through it once, you have to remind yourself that you can get through it again. I fall back on the Victor Hugo quote: "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise."

Wow lots of really useful/interesting insight, thank you @HundredMilesAnHour!

I agree with the exhilarating/rewarding aspect, some of the "highs" from this work seem really extremely high, and help to keep going in the lows.

I have to say I find it really interesting that even at a senior level, people are "struggling" in some ways too. Looking around, I often feel in this role that everyone else has it hacked really, especially those with more experience. I guess it does make sense though that that's not the case, everyone is just very good at putting a mask on!
All the tips you mentioned w.r.t. health/mental health seem very valuable, getting outside, exercise etc. are all things I have found help and I need to make an effort to keep them up. Volunteering too!

Do you have a "plan" to leave eventually and do something completely different? Or you would like your full career to be in the City?

I have worked in professional services all my life. I worked for pwc in my 20s and 30s. Lots of stress and pressure like you describe and long hours/ job being my all / got ill every time I took holiday. I never felt like I was going to lose my job. Ironic really as they made me redundant once I had a baby!

My advice is to use them like they will use you. If its good experience and looks good on your CV keep at it but don't outstay your welcome. If promotion doesn't happen move quick. Move anyway for pay rises.

Be confident because that's half the battle. Be willing to learn and then use your experience to make yourself more essential.

WIN WORK. It's really important to at least participate in business development.

Think about how what you are doing now will benefit your wider career. Look at those people above you not just the ones in your organisation but where do people go and what do they do in their longer term career?

Be focused and don't fall into the loyalty trap. Being loyal is stupid although I don't take my own advice here and I have been loyal to both my old and new firms. At least I'm valued where I work now. They look after me.

It is difficult to have a life outside work. I always prioritised going to the gym. I did still do things with friends. I mostly relaxed on weekends rather than worked. I took holidays and made sure I got some downtime from work so that I could cope with the stress.

Like you I eventually ended up at a therapist who mainly advised me that it wasn't me it was my job and they did suggest that I would be better off working somewhere else and they were right!

Can I ask - as someone senior in this world - has it gotten any easier at all? Yes, it definitely gets easier.

It seems to me that it can on one hand get better: hours getting slightly shorter when more senior, more experience so I can imagine tasks being less daunting, and maybe more perspective. It gets easier with every year because you have greater autonomy, learn how to do your job properly and can delegate. You also earn respect and begin to be treated like a valued and experienced member of your team.

However, the expectations must be increased too? They do, but in a proportionate way. For example, the expectation is that I can close a small deal in half the time it would have taken me 10 years ago because I actually can.

How have you managed the pressure (if you've needed to at all) to get to where you are? I worked out what I wanted and suited me best. As a mid level lawyer I took a pay cut and moved to a smaller firm because I thought I hated the long hours and pressure. I hated the move because I felt underpaid for my skill set and missed the big deals . But it was a good experience because it taught me that rightly or wrongly prestige matters to me and I thrive when I am under pressure.

Also if I may add, how have you balanced a role like this with "life" happening? I do see people managing to develop on a personal aspect as well as in these roles, they are maybe 5 years down the line from me though, getting married etc. However I also know a few who are 5 years down the line and seemingly having a "mid-life" crisis from having not having managed to balance things... Have you picked up any pointers on this at all? You are in the toughest stage of your career so right now it will be difficult to develop your personal life. I think that’s pretty normal for most high pressured careers though.

In terms of how my life looks like, I got married at 30 and had a child at 31. I spend time with my child in the morning before school but don’t see her in the evenings when I am working in the office 3x a week. When I am in the office I get into the zone and don’t like to be interrupted but most of my colleagues with kids leave the office around 6 so they can have dinner and bedtime with their kids. They then log back in in the evening.

My sister is a teacher and also has a child - she struggles just as much as I do with a work/life balance and has no more free time than I do. But overall, I am less stressed because I can throw money at most of my problems but she can’t.

sorry my response is all over the place. My child keeps asking me questions and interrupting my train of thought.

Do you have a "plan" to leave eventually and do something completely different? Or you would like your full career to be in the City?

I don't have a 'plan' at present as my health issues have completely screwed that up and I need to focus on getting healthy again first (I caught Covid at work and I'm one of the unlucky ones that long Covid has affected so badly that I'm now classed as having a disability). I feel like I'm in a holding pattern at work and this year will either end my career or I'll be back on track. It's that black and white unfortunately and could go either way at this stage. I can't even begin to tell how horrendous it is. And frustrating and scary and a million other things, most of which aren't good.

Subject to the above, I want to stay working in the City because I do actually enjoy it. When I was in my early 30s, I looked at leaving and becoming a personal trainer instead (someone actually said to me that I spent so much time in the gym that I might as well get paid for it). I dipped a toe in the water by doing a gym instructor course during my holidays and that was enough to make me realise that I would miss the intellectual challenge I get working in the City too much (and that as PT I'd have to work with clients who weren't highly motivated lol). Being in a training group with someone who spelt 'knee' without the k (!) was an eye opener in terms of intellectual challenge (sounds pretentious I know) but it was a shocker when you realise that you're acclimatised to being surrounded by super-smart, driven people and not everyone is like that.

I also did a short fixed term contract in the not-for-profit sector (during a period of redundancy when Brexit had killed the job market) which was interesting but made me appreciate the pace and challenge of the City - the NFP told me it was 5 months worth of work but they could only afford to pay me for 3 months. I completed the work (to rave reviews) in 2 months. Again it made me realise how much I enjoy the pace of the City, and that it suits me, and that I wasn't ready to give that up (although maybe long Covid will force me to give it up now but God I hope not!)

There's some really good advice here. I'm 21 years in the workplace now and have had many roles in the banking sector. Absolutely use them like they use you as PP suggested. In that time I've been shafted over during maternity leave, paid less than male counterparts and basically not got rewarded any more for busting my guts compared to colleagues who do very little. But in the last few years I've really learned to play the game. I put myself forward for a project in my old team fully intent of using that experience to get me a promotion which I've now done. And the role I'm in now will give me what I need to move external and get a big salary uplift (which is hard internally). Focus on your journey.

I really really appreciate all these answers, thank you everyone who has taken the time to formulate such useful advice!

I'm out and I've skated over the most recent answers, I'll read more thoroughly later. I like the "using them" idea very much - I have very much been letting them "use me" since starting which is probably quite natural at the start of a career. I have not been "using them" in the slightest, but I can see how having such a mindset would help me on the day to day, consciously knowing that I'm getting something out of it all myself! Lots of food for thought there as with all the other insight. Thank you!

Hi there. Firstly I feel for you. I had worked in corporate leadership positions for 15 years and set up my executive and team coaching business a couple of years ago. I remember the last 5 years of my career as a senior leader, I dreaded the mornings or the the days when you go back to work after a long break. Although I was a senior at that point, I think it still applies the things what has helped me to push through those 5 years.

1. I had an honest conversation over several months with myself, just involved lot of thinking and reading...about the reasons I am in my job and realised that most of the reasons I entered my career (pay, status, down to silly things like wanted to be part of the commuting and feel all grown up) were not important to me any more
2. Once I realised that I wrote up the reasons I am still in the profession and things which would impact me if I would leave such as pay
3. The next one was the hardest, I had to write up what values, benefits I would look for if I would change, mine was pay, flexible hours, ability to commute less, working with people and feel like I am 'giving back to society' by supporting people in some way
4. Then I worked on my 5 year exit plan. I started to do courses which I was interested in and studied Masters in Executive Coaching part-time, realised running my own business will give me flexibility I needed as by then I had 3 children.
5. That feeling of dreading to work was not so strong any more as I felt I am working towards something bigger and my day job was helping my plan..at that point I started to appreciate it again..I was in it for different reason now and I found that reason.

You might get to point 1 and realise that you love your job and career and just need to spend more time with people, sleep and eat well and value your abilities enough not to be scared of losing your job. The thing is if you got a role already in the city, I believe you have a drive to sort whatever life would throw at you, even if that would be losing your job. You need to value yourself to be valued by other people. Wish you all the best.

So January has been and gone, and I've been trying to apply some of the precious advice here: try to get more out of this world for me rather than just let this world use me, have a think about an exit plan, work on establishing exactly why I'm doing this etc.
It definitely helps sometimes to be able to take a step back when in the thick of it and be able to related back to these "facts", to gain some perspective.

One thing I do wonder about these days is relationships - whether friends or romantic. My close uni friends are abroad, so I don't have a pre-existing support network nearby. Most of my friends here are people I know through work, which is great in some aspects, they understand exactly what I'm going through when needed. But it can feel very insular. Is this a standard phenomena? And that leads me on to more romantic relationships - they are a struggle: I don't have time really, and it can feel quite lonely. Friends around me are either long time single, in non-serious "situationships" or a rare few are dating people that are (or have been) in the same company. Has anyone been through this? I guess at some point we just have to force ourselves to dedicate more time to this?