Trouble settling into team

[newjobwoess]

Has anyone had experience of this, new job, absolutely love the role itself but just feel so lonely and horrible in the role. The core team have worked together for 15 years plus, a few newer members 5 plus years. They come across very much like a family, know absolutely everything about each other, go out together etc. I consider myself friendly but I take a while to get to know people, it's just the way I am, I'm not particularly anxious I just need the extra time to break the ice and get to know people.

I feel like I'm not accepted in this role because of this but I can't pretend to be any other way. It's starting to bleed into where I just feel like I can't be bothered now to get to know people because it seems to be 'tell us your darkest secrets/life story or nothing' and it's coming across really negatively from me.

It's making me miserable sitting in an office with people talking like family and getting nothing when I try with the initial small talk. It's such a shame as it's my dream job. Has anyone been through similar, what should I do aside from leaving.

How long have you been working there?

I started a new job a few months ago and felt like I wasn't fitting in, I felt like they didn't know what to make of me. I'm also like you, friendly but take my time before I feel completely at ease. I'm quite shy at first so that makes it tough. Being the boss's PA also put me in a weird position.

It does get better, for me something just clicked one day, a couple of them asked me where the boss was (he was away with work) but that broke the ice for me. Then a couple of weeks later I was inducting a new starter and I realised I was no longer the newbie. I don't talk about the deep and meaningful parts of my life, I mentioned to someone about my marriage being a mistake, I told my boss about my hen night but that's because they came up in conversation. I chatted to someone recently about going clubbing. As you chat more you get to know people more. You don't make friends instantly

My boss has always had my back (and we hit it off staright away) so even when I was feeling adrift he was there as a support but I'm now fully accepted into the team.

As I say it does get better just give it time. You are not only meeting new people but learning a new job. Everything will be quite intense at first. When you find your feet with the job, you'll find yourself more at ease with people too.

Thank you for this.
I've gone from a job of many years and knew my boss for well over a decade to a new place.I was very much part of the family.
The people are quieter and 2 women have taken a bit of a dislike to me.
No idea why so I'm hoping the Xmas hols can be a reset and they accept me when I return.

The organisation I work in is like this, practically all 3000 of them have been there since God was a boy. I've been there over a year and am still "new", I expect to be naturally moving on somewhere else to further my career before I am no longer classified as "new"!

In my experience these sorts of places/teams can be pretty impenetrable as they are comfortable, probably got a bit complacent and slightly lazy over the years and don't want anyone to disturb their status quo.

You sound like me on the taking time to get to know people, I treat work as work and I don't want to get to know people I work with particularly beyond being civil, professional and a bit of benign chitchat. I don't want to know about their lives in depth and i don't want them knowing about mine! In those everyone has worked here for years places you can find people get offended by this as they begin to feel
entitled to know what's going on in your life. Many years ago I actually had someone complain to my boss because I wouldn't discuss my personal life with them 🤷🏽‍♀️ I have since perfected the art of giving away enough to make people think I am sharing everything, when in fact I have shared nothing.

However - there are always newer people in the same position as you are and I find solidarity in seeking them out and making my own networks. You've not mentioned what size of org you work in but is this an option?

@newjobwoess
I was in the same situation I was with my old company over 15 years, knew the place inside out, everyone came to me for help. I had friends across departments. Coming into a new job, with people who had been there years is hard. My boss is also new to his role so they didn't just have him coming in with new ideas but his PA as well.

Also what you describe in your second post is what you describe in your first post but in reverse if you see what I mean. You were in a company for a long time, knew the boss well, part of the family etc. Its exactly how you describe this new team. I would think any new person to your old team felt exactly how you're feeling now. You'll be accepted just like you accepted the new people in your old team.

@SideshowAuntSallly Thanks for your reply, not sure which second post you mean though? I agree with your reply though.

Thanks everyone, I'm probably going to give it a few months and then review it as it's making me miserable. @Polarbearyfairy That's awful! Hopefully your manager/s did not take that complaint seriously!? It's a big organisation but all in our own bubbles if that makes sense so would be a bit tricky but something to think over.

Thanks everyone. :)

@whatisforteamum Good luck, feel free to post back about how you are getting on and give me some tips! Also, happy new year all!

Well I go in fresh today....raring to go and I get a happy New yr.
Later I see the black looks again and even sighing.
The odd thing is I came from a place where everyone respected me.
The new lady was chatting to the others and hushed up when I appeared.
Leaving was better so I hope slowly slowly the can get used to me.
I don't know why they are off with me and it maybe jealousy.
It is just so weird.

One of them applied for the job I have and didn't get it.Happy n year all.

@newjobwoess apologies I misread the other post and thought it was from you.

Well today there were fireworks.
I overheard one woman say we would be done quicker if she worked harder meaning me!
I've been letting things go as I've heard them gossiping and giggling .
I said we could swop tasks.
She didn't like that.So she kicked off.
I started to do her tasks which was not a problem and the boss overheard. I asked if I was lazy
Came to find her side of the story...we are not at school.
I ended up saying just tell me if I failed my probation.
The boss said I hadn't and they want me there.
I've never had to deal with such immature behaviour since school.
The person involved clearly has issues as they have got an injunction against their neighbour and everything is someone else's fault.